Who Is "She"

April 4, 2017

She wakes up to her phone alarm. As she gets ready she wonders, what’s the point? There’s no need to get dressed or brush my hair because they’ll still see me the same, but I can’t let them get the best of me. She tells herself this every morning. She goes into the bathroom to put on her makeup, her only confidence booster and barrier of protection against everyone else. Before she leaves she takes her pills.
When she gets to school the judgemental glares toward her and whispers about her go on as usual. She keeps her head down and walks quickly to her first period. Making sure to not make eye contact or any human interaction on her way. She’s the first one to her seat as usual because everyone is still mingling in the hallways and she has no one. The teacher says a forced but gracious,”Goodmorning.” And she responds the same. She really wants to and tries to believe that her teachers care about her and understand her problems and are a support system for her to fall back on. But she knows all too well that they probably look at her as something different just like everyone else. They’ve even talked about her in the staff room during lunch.
As class begins people begin to flood in and go to any seat of their choosing, the teacher never cared where they sat. The last person in is usually the one who has to sit closest to her, something nobody at the school likes to do. She goes about her day with her head down and trying to ignore all the side glances, looks of disgust, and being looked at as if she were a sub-human to everyone else and not worthy of even breathing in the slightest bit of air. During lunch she always sits by herself in the corner, on the floor. She had a group of guys she sat with before...but when they found out they moved tables and forever had their bags placed on any empty seat there was and never moved them for her.
After she finishes with her food she goes into the bathroom. The nurse’s bathroom. The nurse never looks to fond to see her either. This is by far the worst part of her day everyday. She has to walk all the way to the far reaches of campus to use the restroom when there’s literally a girls restroom right outside of the cafeteria. She always tries to hold it in but can never seem to and sometimes goes twice a day. In this restroom is where she feels the most isolated. Not even being able to use the girls restroom because god knows what trouble that would stir up between all the students and parents. Who even knows what the staff and administration would do to her. One time she was late for her next class because she just broke down and started crying relentlessly because she knew what unfair and inhumane concept this was, but no one else seemed to. Not even her own parents who just told her,”It’ll all be over after highschool, I swear.” or ,“It’s just something that you have to go through right now. It’ll make you so much stronger in the end.”
In her following period there’s a substitute and it doesn’t occur to her till they take roll. The substitute calls her a name, a name she has tried to leave in the past so many times before. A name that she want to have no correlation with. A name that stings her ears and breaks her heart to be called. It feels like everyone is staring at her and giggling. The substitute repeats the name once more, this time louder for everyone to hear. And it pains her dearly to have to speak up and announce her presence to the whole room. But it pains her even more to have to correct the substitute on her name. This happens quite often to her and she wishes that it was something like this that ruined her day, but her day was ruined the second she woke up.
Occasionally she has a good day, however,  when she has the pleasure of walking into class and there is a new student. Then, she has someone to actually talk too for about fifty minutes free from any judgement. But eventually they find out about her as well and and distance themselves as far away as possible from her as though she was a disease. She constantly feels that her whole world is just a black hole of infinity and she is placed by herself in the middle of it all. In complete contrast though her mind is a wild world of chaos and emotions banging themselves against each other and she is helpless to control any of it. She can barely control her natural body at this point.
When she goes to her classes she tends to go the way with more supervisors or security, just to be safe. She wants to believe nothing will happen to her in the wide open like that and being called a “freak” and a “disgusting creature” doesn’t necessarily help. No matter what she will always have that repetitive fear in the back of her mind that someone could attack her, for no reason, and a constant questioning if anyone would help her or if they would walk by. Maybe post later on social media a video of it labeled that she deserved it. And when she goes home the mixture of pills and stress and hate unleashes like a flood on her parents. She know she shouldn’t but it all comes out over the simplest of things.
This is how her days go everyday nonstop. And when an occasional compliment flies her way she almost cries from happiness. The best day of her life so far though is when she was gifted by her doctors with the two pill bottles labeled with Hormones and Estrogen. These pills might seem like nothing to most but to her this is her lifeline. The only possible way for her to physically meet her body goal, not counting the surgeries that will follow in the soon future. They are the reasons for the chaos developing the in her mid but they are also the reasons for her being able to live because she knows that without them she would have probably taken her life by now. And who would have cared about the school “freak” dying. Maybe someone would wish her parents their condolences. Would her relatives and the rest of her family even go to her funeral. She hasn’t talked to any of her grandparents since they found out. Every once in a while she gets a letter from her aunt and uncle on the east coast. Her cousins and family on the west coast have disowned her at this point. And her older brother hardly even talks to her when he comes home to visit. But even through all of her current and past hardships and the ones that she knows are sure to come she likes to focus on the possibility of a brighter future. A future filled with love and happiness towards her. A future where she can walk about and not be judged. She knows somewhere deep down that it will always get better.

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