I don’t have a last name because a last name ties you down. A last name means you belong to someone or some family. I don’t. Some people call me a drifter, I don’t mind. It’s true in a sense, I run, I run, I run that’s all I know. If an obstacle comes my way, it’s simple, I run.
Still, I felt, I couldn’t fully run from this; I’ve gotten too attached. His name was Adrian. Our story was quite simple. We met in a library then went out for coffee and the rest was history. There was a problem, though, I was suffocating. I’d never stayed anywhere longer than two years. At least that used to be the case. I had lived with Adrian for over three years and needed a break. So I took a break, left a week before my birthday. A gift to myself I thought. I sat on a bus and was gone, I left him a note.
Every special thing needs to end. Otherwise, it won’t be special anymore. I loved you dearly, but notice the -ed. The feeling I once had disappeared a short while ago. I am truly sorry but I needed to leave. You were an important chapter in my life, but it’s over. Honestly, our story was beginning to feel awfully dry.
~ Yours Ivy
Discovering myself has been my life goal. I was giving up that goal if I stayed with Adrain any longer. I felt a tear running down my cheek, I quickly wiped it away. They kept on reappearing, and suddenly I had difficulty in breathing.
“Having a bad day, chocolate generally helps,” a man sat down next to me and offered a piece of chocolate.
“Thanks,” I replied, a little annoyed that he approached me, I wanted to be left alone!
“I’m Julius, you are?” Julius stretched out his hand to me.
“Ivy,” I answered coldly, ignoring his hand. Julius looked slightly taken aback. I continued ignoring him, thinking of where to depart the bus. Having no idea where I was heading, I left the bus at the same time Julius did.
“I hope you aren’t following me, you are pretty and all but I’m a married man,” Julius said jokingly. It was then that I warmed up to him a little.
“Sorry, if I came off a little rude…” I started timidly.
“Nevermind that, what brings you here. You look unsure and a little lost.” Julius interrupted.
“I’m not sure where I am. I can’t go home, scratch that I don’t have a home.” I confessed, reality hitting me, “I have no idea why I’m acting like this, why am I so unsure of myself. I’ve left home before. I’m used to it,” I said out loud, more to myself than to Julius.
“If you need a place to stay, my house is just down the corner. My wife certainly wouldn’t mind,” Julius offered. I nodded, gratefully being at a loss for words. I walked by him, hugging myself as if to keep myself together. We went to his house wordlessly. He sensed I wasn’t in any mood for dull conversations.
“Amanda, we have a guest. She’ll be staying with us for some time,” Julius announced, while a petite woman standing no taller than 5’2 approached me.
“Aren’t you a beautiful little girl. Follow me and we’ll get you something to eat. You poor thing, you look like you’re freezing. How about, after you eat, I’ll run you a hot bath. Ooh, I have some clothes you could borrow, my sister’s. She’s about 5’6, that’s about right.” Amanda spoke and spoke. I was too exhausted to interrupt her. Not physically, but emotionally. I ate whatever Amanda gave me, without the faintest idea what it was. Afterward, I took the promised bath. I stayed in longer than intended. One question popping up in my head, If I called him right now, would he take me back? Or better yet, what if I stayed the night and went back to him. I couldn't think of anything other than the idea of going back to him, everything else was robotic. I opened the doors and descended the stairs.
“Do you have a phone I could borrow, it will only be a quick call,” I near begged Amanda.
“Here you go sweetie,” Amanda handed me an unlocked phone. I dialed Adrian’s number. It rang for a few long seconds.
“Hello, who is this?” Adrian answered the phone, “Hello?” I couldn’t speak. Why did I call him? I left him! I quickly clicked the end button and dropped the phone.
“I..i..i’m sorry, I’ll replace your phone if it’s broken!” I said backing away from the phone, pressing my hand to my mouth. With Adrian, I was suffocated, but to a degree I was happy. Without him, I was free but felt nothing but despair. A pair of arms enveloped me, I fell into them.
“Sshh dear, it’s all okay. Whatever happened, it will be over soon,” Amanda whispered soothingly. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, feeling something I missed dearly. I felt a sense of belonging.
“I should be leaving, thank you for the…” I was interrupted by Amanda.
“Nonsense, you are our guest. Now listen to me, it’s okay to break down from time to time. You don’t have to put on a brave face all the time, especially not when you are hurting.” Amanda gave me a motherly look, “Now, why don’t we sit down with a cup of coffee and tell me what happened. Julius is out buying some groceries, so we can have some girl time!” Amanda did a small dance, I couldn’t help but laugh a little.
“Whenever you are ready, I’ll lend a listening ear,” Amanda prompted, preparing the coffee. She put a mug in front of me and sat down. I took a sip and debated whether or not to tell Amanda the whole story.
“I never stay in one place too long, I never feel like I belong. When I do stay too long, I feel suffocated. That’s what happened with Adrian. We had been dating for about a year when he asked me to move in. I thought I could change, I honestly believed I could. Still, a couple months ago, I started to feel suffocated. Whatever magic was between us, had ended. I thought I could ignore it, but life with Adrian became so dull I couldn’t bear it any longer. So I left him a note and took a bus out. It was supposed to be easy, but I had gotten attached to him,” I explained, tears welling up in my eyes, “I have commitment issues…” Amanda didn’t let me speak anymore.
“What baloney, honey listen to me. Don’t let some fancy pancy doctor put a label on you. The truth is, you haven’t found someone to make you stay. Simple as that,” Amanda said wiping away my tears.
“You’d make a great mother you know,” I said laughing, I felt liberated.
“Oh, don’t I know it,” Amanda joined in, laughing. Just then, Julius entered the room, placed his hands on her shoulder, playing with Amanda’s graying hair. He looked at her lovingly, and joined in, laughing.
The sparkle that shone as they looked into each other's eyes was the light of being at home; being complete with one another. Perhaps, I never know, that could be me one day. Not alongside Adrian, but instead someone who makes me belong, with whom together we would make countless stories that would never grow dull.