Monday, January 25, 2016
I did not know life was so short until something happened to my father. Today was a really hard day and I was not prepared. No one was. I remember this day and will always remember this day. I woke up like every other day and followed my daily routine. Brushed my teeth, made my bed, put clothes on, and started to walk to the school building. Attending a boarding school is good for the most part. I ate breakfast. Toast with cream cheese, avocado, and lemon, then took my meds and headed to my advisory. The day went on like every day until one pm in the afternoon. Janet the executive director found that I was headed to study hall and asked that I join her in her office. When I walked into the office I saw that my therapist Marie was sitting down with tears rolling down her face.
“What is going on,” I asked as I sat down on the couch,
“It is your father,” Marie said.
I responded, “What happened to him. Is he okay ?”
“He had a heart attack and died,” Marie told me with my hand in hers.
All of a sudden my whole world stopped and I was stuck in a world where nothing moved except me. I couldn't stop thinking of why and how this happened. Bringing myself back into reality I cried and cried. I wanted to scream and throw objects. “It is not fair,” I said to Marie and Janet. They knew this was going to be really hard for me so I lied down on her couch. The next two hours I spent in her office wrapped in a blanket. Being cooped up in Janet's office was becoming suffocating so I dragged myself to start up group and the rest of the day I cried and slept.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
I know I have not written in a couple days but I have been busy and emotional. Do you ever feel like your life is going great and then some event happens and your world comes crashing down? You can’t even breath and everything around you stops moving. My life has shattered because of one person. My father had a heart attack and died. And tomorrow I am flying to Connecticut with Marie to attend his funeral. I never thought that my first funeral would be my father's. My father and I were really close, so when I heard that he died my heart broke. Learning that your parent who you were really close to has died is the worst feeling in the world. You're in denial first that the situation did not happen. I don’t know if I can handle attending this funeral. Trying to hold it together is all I can do.
Friday, January 29, 2016
I am writing on the airplane right now because I don’t think I will have time later to write in here. So, I don’t know what it will be like at the wake but I guess I will find out soon. Marie is currently with me because no one wanted me to go alone on this flight. I miss my father. I don’t want to believe that he is dead. I can’t believe it.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
The wake on tonight was difficult. My cousins were there. As well as my family and the casket where my father laid. The room was nice. There were chairs lined up in a couple rows and in the corner there was a big screen that showed a slideshow of pictures of my dad. I then hugged my brother, sister, mother, and some other people. I did not know what to do so I started walking around the room. Vases of flowers were everywhere. Most of the flowers were around the casket. I looked at the cards that the flowers held. “So sorry for your lost. Thomas was a great man.” I read in one of the cards. “My thoughts are with you.” Another one read. I was tired of reading the cards so I sat down in an armchair. A few minutes after a man walked into the room and told everyone to say our goodbyes. First, my cousins went up to the casket and said their farewells. Then my mom's parents and my dad's parents. And finally, it was my family's turn. My brother, sister, mother and I all walked up to the casket holding hands. My mother said something but I couldn’t hear it because I was in my own headspace. When we were all finished with our goodbyes we headed out to a car and the driver drove us to our house. By the time we got to the house, there were so many people there. Both my dad's mom and my mom's parents were there. Our cousins. And a couple of my mother's friends. That was about everyone who was there. I walked into the kitchen and there was food everywhere. Cookie baskets and fruit baskets. The fridge was full of sandwiches. My mom asked if I wanted to sleep at the house or in the hotel with Marie. I told her I did not want to be in the house. It was too emotional. The only time I was in that house was Friday night and Saturday afternoon. Yesterday after the funeral my family and I went back to the house. I found Marie and my mom in her room and asked what was going on. “We were just talking.” my mother said. “I was wondering if I can keep something of dads.” I quietly said. My mother said I can take a couple of his shirts. The next thing I was doing was walking over to his wardrobe and looking through his t-shirts. Grabbing the t-shirts one by one I finally found one. The t-shirt was white and had a vineyard vines logo and a design on the back of the t-shirt. The design was three different colored green lines. At the end of all the lines, there was a vineyard vines whale. I touched the soft shirt and held back my tears. I couldn’t be in that house anymore so I told Marie that I wanted to go back to the hotel. I held on to five of my father's t-shirts and walked down stairs. Saying goodbye to my family last night was probably one of the most difficult things I had to do. Right now I am in a car headed to JFK airport with Marie. I will never forget this past week. I don’t think I am going to write in this journal for a while because I don’t think I can handle it, so in conclusion, I will write when I very much need too.
Monday, February 29, 2016
I know it has been a while since I have written in this journal. But I have been trying to focus on school and therapy. The school has been difficult because every little thing reminds me of my father. The worst thing that happened today was that I found out my father did not have a heart attack the day he died. He actually took his own life. I had to find out one MONTH later! Why would he do such a thing? I know he was depressed because he was let go of his job as the senior vice president-chief financial officer and administrative officer at CBS News in New York. That's a big title. Just because he was let go of his job does not give him the right to take his own life. HE HAD A FAMILY. I will never understand the reasons why he did what he did. Hating him is too easy and I will never forgive him. The pain is so real that every time I think about him all I think about is what he did and why. The thoughts were so overwhelming and the feelings hurt so much that I shut it all off. I don’t care as much as I did when I did feel emotions. I now ignore and avoid talking about him in therapy sessions and avoid calling him my father because if he was my father he wouldn't have taken his own life. Sometimes when I start to think about him I shove all the feelings back down. Marie tells me that it is not healthy to not feel emotions but I don't care. She also tells me if I don't care then I am not human and I do not have humanity. Not feeling any emotion is better than feeling all the pain. I will push through and become a stronger person at the end of the day.I will be who I am and not let his decisions affect my life. The one thing that I know in my heart that is true is that I will be okay because I am always okay.