When you don't even know youself.

February 8, 2009
Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.
- Lao Tzu

It was dark, people were running scared. I was standing their alone, afraid. I didn't know what was going on, then again what more do you know or feel when you 16? When you 16, alone, and the only thing in the world you could ever want is truth, and answers. Like what's happening? Where am I? Why was I here? What was happening? How did I get here and most importantly, where is my son?
Chapter 1.
It was 4 days after my 16th birthday and school just started today. I walked down the stairs and through on my black hoodie over my typical white tank and I could already smell dad cooking. The same thig as he did every morning since mom Lana well disappeared. But I dident think about that much, I didn't want to. I had other things to deal with as it was. After all I felt things were a little off lately and my bulging stomach vibrating once again, you would think after 4 months I would be used to this odd sensation but I wasn't. Would I ever be? After all I was only 16.
I passed the long mirror in the hall way on my way to the kitchen but doubled back to glance at my appearance. My shoulder length black hair was straight as usual with my bangs neatly pinned to the side as they always were. My black jacket over my jeans was fitted and also looked neatly. But my white tank was forming fit to my belly which was now beginning to take its shape. The bump was small yet still their. People would start to take notice not that every one didn't know already. ' ness!, come on lets go you going to be late' my dad called from the kitchen. Yeah 'late' that was a good word. Very, very late. So I zipped up my hoodie slung my bag across my now forming belly and headed to the kitchen. This was something that I had no idea how I was going to continue to hide, after all he'd have to notice sometime right?
' have a seat Vanessa, you foods..' I interrupted him. ' yeah dad I know on the counter, we do this every day remember' I didn't mean it to sound mean, or angry it just go tedious that he said the same thing every day for 6 months. ' what time is Elaine coming to get you?' Elaine was my best friend, with a car always a bonus for with out her I'd be walking. And that wouldn't be the best in this condition. I sat down to my breakfast of toast and cereal scooting in the chair as much as I could hopeing my dad was to busy to notice anything as he did every day. ' dad don't forget I wouldn't be home until later tonight, Im going to look for a job after school' lie #1 of the day, when in reality Elaine was going to drive me to the doctors as she did every month since the first time she did in July. ' that's fine ness just give me a call so I know when to have dinner ready k kid?' I hate lying to him im going to have to tell him really soon I cant hide the inevitable. I got up from the table and put my dish in the sink. And headed for the door once I hurd the hoonking of Elaine's car. ' hey Vanessa, don't take this the wrong way but I think that shirt is getting a little snug on you, are you gaining weight?' like I said inevitable right? ' yeah dad im just stressed a little I'll be fine' lie #2 and it wasent even 7 yet wow arent we on a roll. ' alright dad see you later' ' by kid have fun' and out the door I was,.. we that is..
I walked out the door and of course leave it to Elaine to be impatient. She was honking the horn while the music was loud using her rear-view mirror as a make up mirror, fixing her eyeliner to bring out the Red-brown tint in her spiky hair. I climbed into the front seat and sighed . I had an idea of what I was getting into today, but at the same time I wasn't sure of how things were going to turn out. I had tried my best to keep this secrete, well exactly that but you know how high-school is especially in a small town, everyone knows everything and everyone. Elaine turned down the music and knew how I was feeling, after all she was my best friend she knew everything. She didn't have to even ask, she just knew. ' you still haven't told him yet, have you?' I knew which him she was talking about I just looked out the window and shook my head.
'Ness, babe you cant keep this a secrete you know that right? Ness, I'll go with you if you want'
' thanks El, but I know this is something I have to do its inevitable I just don't know how to tell him, it'll ruin everything'
' ness, he'll be their for you and help you he really will'
' god damn it El, why couldn't I have just gotten the abortion?'
' beacouse you know in your heart you want this baby, and theirs nothing wrong with that'
Elaine said finally pulling out of the driveway. But that's where she was wrong, im 16-years old what business do I have wanting this baby? But it probably had something to do with the fact that I was always alone. No matter how close of a relationship I have with some one, I have never felt like someone really and truly loved me. Like someone needed me as their #1 their first choice. I never seamed to find that but if I do have this baby then I know this baby will love me yet at the same time, im insigne for having a child at 16, what is wrong with me?

Luckily the car ride wasn't long so I couldn't think about this too much. We pulled into the parking lot and into the middle open spot closest to the exiting driveway. As we got out of the car I slowly turned to close the door and I herd a slam and immidently jumped. It was only the sound of Elaina shutting her door. Damn I was jumpy today wasn't I?

' why so jumpy Ness?'

' just a little anxious I guess, im fine'
Lie # 3 of the day. Eli came over to my side of the car she knew the really reason I was so jumpy.

' Vanessa, it'll be fine I promises I know your scared but you have to tell him sometime, better he find out from you rather then the rest of the school' she went to hug me and I hugged her back that doesn't mean I believed a word she said thought. But she was right, I had to tell him. Today.

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Jackiexoxo said...
Mar. 25, 2009 at 9:12 pm
This story goes deep beyond into the thoughts and feelings of pregnant 16 year old.It was truthful and very heart-warming.This is a teen must-read.
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