November 7, 2016

They say when you die, your life flashes in front of your eyes.  I never thought that was true until now. My whole life story is printing out right in front of me and I actually care.  My whole life I didn’t care about anything, I was trapped in my own mind.  I think I was just scared. I didn’t confess my feelings or show my emotions. I was like a person hiding behind a mask.  Faking.

It all started when I turned thirteen, the year my grandpa died. That was when I changed. My grandpa was a big part of my life, and no one even noticed how much of an impact he was on my life. I was devastated when he died. No one, not one single person asked if I was okay and that hurt, I kinda just figured no one cared. My parents never noticed my sadness, well it wasn’t really sadness it was more of carelessness. After that I just stopped caring.  It was like dominoes, when one falls all the rest go down one by one.

As the story of me is printing ahead I see me in the halls. Blonde straight hair with bright green eyes. White jean shorts and a blue and white striped tank top. Flip-flops on my feet and a bracelet resting on my wrist. I’m walking in the middle of the hall, people calling my name, “Carrie, hey!”. I’ll say “Hi” then keep walking forward. As I see myself walking through the halls I just think  how could no one see the sadness in my eyes, the pain right in my heart.  I would be able to see it, but I know what it looks… Cause I’m it.

As I focus on the video peering out in front of me I remember the exact day, it was Friday, April 1st of my Junior year, a month before this accident. This exact cloudy day I was going to Kyle Mclish’s party.  It all started when I woke up to the buzzing of my alarm. I put on my dark washed jeans, and my teal flannel, I walked into my bathroom and started on my make-up. When I raced down the stairs I ate breakfast and went out the door. My dad, Bryan was already in his car about to leave for work. I could see him through the window but it wasn’t that clear. All I could see was his body, not his face though. Only because of the reflection of the sun bouncing off the windshield. 

As I pulled out of my driveway I drove slowly knowing my dad was watching me. But as soon as I pulled out of my neighborhood I sped 20mph over the speed limit. I knew it was dangerous but I didn’t care. During school the police officer would always come once a year saying “If you speed, you’re going to eventually die. It’s better to be late then too end your life.”. Kids would always gasp and say how blunt he was being. But whenever I speed I always think of what the officer said and that would make me drive even faster.

When I got to school my best friend Kaitlyn started walking next to me. I didn’t say anything to her and she didn’t talk to me, we were just thinking. As we turned the corner Kyle shouted at us saying “Party at my house tonight, be there at 7.”.

Later that day Kaitlyn and I met at her house. I sat on her bed as she was going crazy about what she was going to wear. I swear the house was about to blow up with all her fussing. 

After she decided what she was going to wear we got in her silver Toyota and drove to the party. When we got there Kaitlyn started talking to the people she first saw, as I just stood behind her nodding my head. Then Kaitlyn and I went to the “dance floor” and began dancing.

After dancing for awhile I went to the couch and just sat down on the black leather couch. I sat with my body leaning back and my arms at my sides. I just started thinking and one thing led to another and I just began thinking about my life. How I didn’t care about anything, how I didn’t live my life, how I just waited for my life to past. As I was thinking I knew I shouldn’t live my life the way I’ve been doing it. But I didn’t really know how I was suppose to live it because I’ve been faking it my whole life. “Bang bang!” I heard. That’s when I finally fell out of my thoughts.

As I watched myself on the screen I knew exactly what was going on, what I was thinking. I knew I was thinking that because everyday after that deep thought I thought about it. I thought how I was just faking my whole life.
I always thought about it but I never did anything about it. I wish I actually did something about it, but all I did was only think about it. I needed to take matters into my own hands and actually do it. But I guess it was too late. It’s too late because right now I’m in my flipped car on this snowy winter day and no one has spotted me.
I should’ve changed, made my life more memorable and I should’ve actually cared. I didn’t though. But I guess that’s okay, it may not of been my ideal life but I still got to experience a lot of cool things and find out a lot of things. For instance they say when you die, your life flashes in front of your eyes and I found out that’s real.

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