Here I am again. Laying here, looking up at my plain white ceiling. The shadows around me are closing in. They never go away. They never leave me alone. The only safety I can find is in sleep, but they are always there when I wake up.

I look over at my alarm. 8:15. The bell is ringing loudly. My roommate has left a while ago. I get up to go to my 8 am class, but it’s not because I want to. I go so my parents money is thrown away. Me going to another state for college, flying me there, sending all of my stuff. The amount financial support they have given me, and I am throwing it away. My family has always been loving and the only person I don't feel socially awkward around is my sister.

I look up and realize I have been standing, staring in the mirror for about 10 minutes. I look at my body, see the shadows surrounding me. On my head, grabbing my arms. I shrug them off, and grab the clothes closest to me, throw my shoes on and leave the small musky room.

I walk down the long hallway, each step feels like it’s weighing my body, my heart, down. The shadows are on my back, making each step harder. I open the main doors out and I am instantly soaked. The rain hasn't stopped now for 2 weeks. It’s making it even harder hard to go outside. 

I walk through the rain to to my first class. The rain leaves a bruise each time it hits me and my eyes sting. I look down hoping that the rain will mask my tears as I walk up the steps to the class hall.

I walk in, accidentally letting the doors slam and all eyes turn to me. Judging. Hating. Embarrassed I find the first seat that's open and sit down. I open my computer and see in the refection three shadows, two on my ears and one covering my eyes. They tell me “Everyone is judging you.” “No one likes you” “Your 30 minutes late, why did you even come?”  

I want to hide and leave, but this will never stop. It’s been happening for 2 months straight and I don’t know how much more I can take of people hurting me. Of me disappointing people. I finally look up to see people are packing their bags, talking about going to parties, hanging out after after class. As I admire all of their confidence, I see my roommate. He was my friend, is my friend. I want to go say hi but my feet are locked in place. Two shadows look up at me with a sickening grin and I just walk the other way.

************

My feet are cold and wet as I walk back through the rain. There is a slight buzz in my pocket.  I take out my phone and see the bright shining face of my sister.

“Coddyyyyyyyyyyyyy” She yells at me. We haven’t talked in awhile so I know why she's happy but she’s being loud and annoying.

“Hey Sis” I say plainly

“So for this weekend, I come in …….” She trails on, and on. I love her but I just really don’t have the energy to deal with this right now. The shadows have wrapped themselves around my chest, Squeezing it.

“CODY” I hear her pleading.

“Oh yeah, sorry the rain here is loud” I completely forgot about her, “Hey I’ll call you later okay?”

“Okay.. Love you” The words should bring me comfort but right now they just hurt me. I just want to hide.

“Love you too” I hang up as fast as I can.

************

I’m almost to my dorm room now. I just want to sleep and escape. The shadows have engulfed me now. I am numb to the outside world, but the pain on the inside is too much for me to handle.

I stumble into my room, Looking for anything that will make me feel or not at all. I grab from my roommate's stash of beers and edibles. I chug two beers and eat a whole cookie, I still feel nothing but everything at once. The shadows are squeezing my heart and I need more, I grab my stash of sleeping pills and down them all while chugging another beer.

I lay down. My whole body feeling numb. All I can feel now is the squeezing on my heart increasing. My eyes close. I wait for anything to happen, for the high, for sleep, or for me to be gone.

As I’m slowly slipping away, I hear something, in the distance, like someone is calling for me across a lake. I try to open my eyes but I have no more energy. All I can do now is drift slowly away, like a boat on that lake.

**************

A steady beep starts to wake me. The sound is somewhat comforting. I feel warm and safe. I slowly open my eyes. The lights are bright and the beeping is at its full volume. I graze my eyes across the room, seeing machines, a window, and a girl sitting in a chair crying. I see my sister.

“Sis?” I say confused, why was she here? Was she the one calling out across the lake?

“Cody!” her head jolts up as soon as she hears my voice. She runs over and throws her arms around me. She's sobbing and I can barely make out her voice through the tears.

“I’m so glad you're okay. If my plane wasn’t early, I don’t know what would have happened. I missed you so much. I’m so sorry you were stuck out here. Mom says that you are coming back after this semester is over”

I look down at her, not knowing what to say. I see her hair's a mess, the remnants of her makeup are streaming down her face. Her arms around me, but I don't feel suffocated like usual, I feel warm. Safe. Loved.

I realize that the shadows are gone. They aren’t attached or around me anymore. I feel no pain in my heart. My chest isn't going to explode. The voices are gone.

The whole time I kept pushing away the people I need most. But now I'm never letting them go.