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When He Loves me

When he loves me, it’s like I’m the only girl in the world. The only girl who will ever matter to him. The only girl to see past the abuse, to realize he’s the only one that could ever make me feel this way. So loved, but so alone.
He knew from the start, that I was the one. The one to come home to and the one to keep him under control. His passion for life, made me fear for my life. He took everything so personal, and took everything out on me. I feared for the days he’d come home early. I’d have no time to prepare, prepare myself for him. There was never anywhere to hide. He owned me, every part.
Forgive and forget that’s all I wanted to do. He brought me to life and saved me from myself. My own self-destruction. Before him I’d always been alone, closed off to the rest of the word. He led me out of the dark and shed some light into my life. Lighter and lighter my life became until it all shattered.
He used to be so kind, you could see it in his eyes. He was my king and I his queen. The memories I have of him, or the man he used to be, remind me why I stayed with him that night.  “Bring me another babe,” the drinking never stopped. Every drink brought more pain. The angrier he got, the more he doubted my affection for him. “I give you everything, everything I have. And you still treat me like this, like I forced you to be with me.”, with every line he throws a punch. To the chest, to the face; wherever he’d like. He tells me he loves me, that he’s the only one that will. No one could ever love me, not the way he can. But, the pain he inflicts is never enough. Never enough to scare me away. I pretend I provoked him, that his actions are justified. My fault never his, he did what was best. He needed to keep me in line and make me the perfect wife. During these moments I hate him, I hate who he becomes. I want to leave him and think of ways to escape, just leave while he’s at work. All I have to do is run out the door, to freedom.  And start a new life, without him. But, after the pain subsides, my love for him returns. He holds me close and whispers into my ear. “I love you Lily, I’ll never let you go.”
With these words I fall for him again, I see the glimmer of light in his eyes. The warmth of his body and the beating of his heart. They make me feel safe; like I’m the only girl in the world. Like I’m the only one who matters, he loves me for who I am, and who I used to be. With him there is hope, hope for us and hope that he will get better. He strokes my hair and my feelings come rushing back, feelings of hatred but mostly love. Love that never seems to fade, “I love you Jack, don’t ever let me go.”

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