One heart is all I need. I liked the thought of two hearts beating in sync; two hearts entwined, united as one- a you and I, you and me, a we- but only one heart is necessary to keep me on my feet, happy, whole, and free. I opened my heart to you, you said you gave your heart to me. I desperately wanted the clouds to open up, and all the sky to sing. I wanted to get all your mess and all your dirt beneath my fingernails, to let the rain then wash me clean. I wanted to breathe your breath- your exhale to be my inhale- you to breathe mine, for us to breathe each other, inhaling adoration, exultation. Your sweat to be the supplements that kept me alive, healthy, breathing. I wanted to need you. I wanted our movements to ebb and flow like the mighty tide, our added velocity to equal more than the greatest multiple of pi, our life to be pure, simple, and strong like a little child's prayer. You were my idol, and I, with everything I had, wanted you to love me the way I thought I loved you. I wanted our hands and hearts to interlock like the many closures of a wedding dress, the separate teeth of a hair clamp locking together, the bars of a prison gate, meeting in the middle and sealing our fate... but I thought it was destiny. And it was supposed to be magical, but your mess was a cesspool. Your dirt- your mud- congealed and choked me until I couldn't breathe anymore. I couldn't be me anymore, and you became something like the Lochness monster. No rain- cold, clear and clean- no stream- fresh or saline- no tears- no matter how many slipped, tripped, and fell, making a trail through the dirt on my cheeks- no, nothing could wash me clean, not as long as I was attached to you, and you held onto me. Breathing your essence was poisoning and slowly killing my vitality, to continue synchronizing with you would be to sign myself off as a casualty... Sometimes love means letting go. Sometimes though you love someone, you have to love yourself more. Walking away is not always easy, but you owe it to yourself. One day yourself will thank you. One day I'll thank myself. Cuz one heart is really all I need. I liked the thought of two hearts beating in sync; two hearts entwined, united as one- a you and I, you and me, a we- but only one heart is necessary to keep me on my feet, happy, whole, and free. I don't need you to make me happy. I don't need you for me to be me.
A Single Heart
June 30, 2016