Toy Soldiers MAG

September 19, 2008
By Michelle Mar BRONZE, New York, New York
Michelle Mar BRONZE, New York, New York
1 article 0 photos 2 comments

“Why are you here, Vanessa?” asks the woman with the bun. Two blond ringlets fall behind her ears and I want to yank them, to see if they will straighten when you pull them.

“I don’t know,” I mumble. She looks at me irritably, pen poised like a dancer at the top of her notepad. “Because of my grandma,” I relent. My voice is hoarse. We have to drink tap water here, and I’m really an Evian kind of girl.

“Vanessa,” she says sternly. I hear the undertone in her voice: You know that’s not why. And I do, minimally. But I don’t speak. My ears are itching for the headphones that have filled them almost nonstop for the past two months. My eardrums quiver at the unnatural silence

“Here at Horizons, the first step toward mental health is taking responsibility for your actions,” she lectures. I tune her out, mentally rapping what I can remember of Eminem’s latest. She leans forward and for a second I think she’s going to slap me. She doesn’t, though. She just looks me hard in the eyes. “You do want to get out of here, don’t you, Vanessa?”

I don’t understand why headphones have to be contraband.

I am one of only two non-suicidal patients. The other one is here for reasons I don’t understand. He raps Eminem in the halls too, but with a fierceness I can’t quite muster, talking back to counselors and swearing at the receptionists. I just don’t care that much.

My tray of kosher vegan-friendly cuisine has two Lexapros and one Topamax where the milk carton should go. All around the room, kids take their medicine like candy, joking as the pills dissolve on their tongues in smears of pink and white. I take mine quietly in a single gulp. I’m not practiced enough yet to swallow them dry.

After lunch, everyone gets up and silently moves the table to the side and pushes the chairs into a circle. A counselor enters, his glasses askew. I reach up automatically to check that mine are in place, but then remember that they took them and issued me contacts. They said glass is unsafe, that even if I don’t want to hurt myself, someone else might ask me to help them.

I wouldn’t though. I’m not here to cater to someone else’s agenda, to play Kevorkian to their wounded souls.

A girl with a bandaged wrist nudges me. Time for group.

“Hi, my name’s Natalie, and I’m here because I slit my wrists.”

“Hi, Natalie,” we chorus. I mouth the words because if I say something out loud, that means I’m here.

The rapper boy is next. He’s wearing black nail polish. From before, I guess. “Hi, my name’s Randy, and I’m here because I pushed my father down the stairs.”

“Hi, Randy.”

It goes like that for a few more people. Then it’s my turn. “Hi,” I say. This is only my second time in group, and this is the first time we’ve had to say why we’re here. Before, we just had to say how long. “My name’s Vanessa, and I’m here because I hit my grandmother with a chair.”

There is an uncomfortable silence. Suddenly my pride is leaking away, my remorseless acceptance of my actions crumbling at my feet. “She’s, like, 50,” I snap. “And she goes to the gym. I mean, she’s, like, this big,” I say, holding my hands as far apart as they can go. “Don’t get mental images of this weak old lady with, like, white hair. And the chair was ….”

“Vanessa,” the counselor says. “That’s enough.”

I realize that I am leaning forward. Abashedly, I slump back like a sullen child.

Newbies don’t get to watch TV, but Randy recaps it for me anyway. We’re not allowed in any rooms but our own without two counselors to supervise, so we lean against the reception desk. He tells me about some show on MTV. I tell him about how much I miss my books and computer. He tells me how badly he wants a cigarette.

What strikes me as more painful than anything is the fact that I don’t want to go home. I know I won’t do what I did again, but the circumstances will be the same. I’ll still be in my grandmother’s condo with my mother, who’s the reason why we can’t live in our house. My clingy brother will be there with his stupid stuffed snowman, and my grandmother will check the computer history to make sure I’m only going to kid-friendly sites.

The only company I want right now is Eminem’s. And failing that, Randy’s.

Or my father’s. But he’s in New York with his new girlfriend, and I … well, I’m not.

“So this one time,” Randy tells me, “I stole my cell phone from the nurses. And I was just standing there trying to think who to call. ’Cause who do you call when you’ve been stuck in a hospital for six months? I wanted to talk to everyone I knew. But I knew I had, like, ten seconds, so I ran to the bathroom and stood in the shower and turned the water on.”

“Who’d you call?” I ask urgently. That detail makes his whole story. I want him to say it was his dad, or his girlfriend, or his drug dealer. I want him to say that it was the most beautiful conversation he ever had.

But he picks at his nail polish and says, “This kid from my psych class. I asked him about the homework.”

I sit there, stunned.

“He was all, ‘Dude, you haven’t come to school in six months.’ I didn’t know what to say, so I hung up and gave the phone back to the nurses.”

“Wow,” I say quietly.

On my eighth day at Horizons, Randy and I find a small radio in the custodian’s closet. We search for Eminem songs for a good 20 minutes. Finally, we catch one, just as it’s winding down. We mouth the words that are bleeped out, and I stare into the blinking red light of the radio like I’ve suddenly recovered my sight after 30 years of blindness.

When I am discharged, my mother comes in her maroon minivan to pick me up. My brother is with her, clutching his stuffed snowman. Pens and pencils are contraband except in the common area, so that’s where Randy and I stand. We write our phone numbers on each other’s hands, though he tells me to send letters to Horizons “for now.”

I promise. My resolve crashes, and as my mother’s heels click past the reception area, I shudder. I’d rather stay at Horizons for seven years than go back with her. What hurts is that I can’t choose. I could fake a suicide attempt, but I know I won’t. Something in my face lets Randy know all of this. “Hey,” he says in that raspy way of his. “Hey. You be a soldier, okay? Don’t let them get to you this time. Be strong.”

I close my eyes. “Like Eminem,” I say quietly.

“Yeah,” he says. “Okay? Say it.”

“I’ll be strong,” I mutter.

“No,” he says seriously. “Say what I said. Say ‘I’ll be a soldier.’”

“I’ll be a soldier,” I promise.

Randy kisses me on the cheek. Casually, because that’s all we’ve ever been. “I know you will,” he says.

I walk to the car with my chin up. When my mother hands me my headphones with her familiar cluck of “I wish you wouldn’t listen to this,” I tune her out without any help from the music.



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This article has 240 comments.


on Jun. 11 2017 at 10:23 am
HereSheIs BRONZE, Wellesley, Massachusetts
3 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." -Plato

Love your characters

freeday15 GOLD said...
on Nov. 10 2013 at 6:07 pm
freeday15 GOLD, Paramus, New Jersey
18 articles 0 photos 62 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Love is Blind" i truly believe in this it is in all of my pieces, and if u read between the lines then u will find it there...

I didn't think this story was going to be this good to be quite honest lol, but it was really good. I enjoyed the playing of words you used with the Eminem. I also like him, and this gave another meaning of it. Good job!

on Aug. 14 2013 at 11:04 am
dejarenee SILVER, Goose Creek, South Carolina
6 articles 0 photos 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Write to Liberate"

I love this story so much!! I love the whole eminem usage and refference. brilliant!  

on Jun. 14 2013 at 11:37 am
CallMeAria PLATINUM, Vancouver, Other
30 articles 27 photos 73 comments

Favorite Quote:
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON :)

Perfection. Everything about this story is perfection. You've perfectly captured music fandom, and an addiction to music :) I love the setting, the cast of characters and when Vanessa tells everyone why she's at Horizons, I was floored. It was unexpected and out of the ordinary, and it just added to the feeling of the story. At the end, when the mother says "I wish you wouldn't listen to this" is the perfect ending because 1) most music addicts like me have heard to countless times and 2) the mother doesn't realize how important and vital it is to the girl. sorry, I'm rambling :) but this is probably my favorite story on TeenInk right now

on May. 23 2013 at 8:27 am
RoyalCorona SILVER, Grand Rapids, Michigan
7 articles 0 photos 290 comments

Favorite Quote:
All of us fave failed to match our dream of perfection. I rate us on the basis of our splendid failure to do the impossible. -William Faulkner

I thought that this story was amazing and fluid, allowing a nice view of the thoughts in Vanessa's head while still allowing some to the imagination such as why she hit her grandmother with a chair. I would love to see a sequel to this just so I could find out why she hit her, it rather ends in a cliffhanger. 

on May. 12 2013 at 8:14 pm
Loki@221B BRONZE, Newtown, Pennsylvania
3 articles 0 photos 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity."
-Edgar Allan Poe

Amazing! I couldn't stop reading it (and I love Eminem)

on Jan. 7 2013 at 12:53 pm
In_Love_with_Writing GOLD, Easton, Pennsylvania
12 articles 0 photos 389 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillipians 4:13

I loved reading this. It was really good :) Can you please comment and rate some of my stories? It would be really nice of you.

on Nov. 13 2012 at 9:22 pm
AnubhutiKumar PLATINUM, New York, New York
41 articles 0 photos 8 comments
Love the ambiguity!  

on Nov. 1 2012 at 10:26 am
MarieAntoinette2014 DIAMOND, Scottsburg, Indiana
54 articles 2 photos 238 comments

Favorite Quote:
Isn't it ironic? We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones who ignore us, love the ones who hurt us, and hurt the ones that love us.

Music is life people. 

on Sep. 23 2012 at 6:22 pm
vballgirl99 BRONZE, Atalnta, Georgia
1 article 0 photos 28 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Practice makes perfect"

There are no words to describe how good this was!! Make sure to keep writing!

. said...
on Sep. 1 2012 at 5:41 pm
This is amazing!

AriShine GOLD said...
on Sep. 1 2012 at 4:48 pm
AriShine GOLD, Norcross, Georgia
13 articles 0 photos 131 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Whatever you are, be a good one." -Abraham Lincoln

This is absolutely well written. I love it! These characters are intriguing, as is the situation. Thank you for writing this!

on Jun. 5 2012 at 2:04 pm
ignorance_is_bliss PLATINUM, Memphis, Tennessee
27 articles 0 photos 45 comments

Favorite Quote:
"This is what it is, this is who I am
This is where I finally take my stand
I didn't wanna fall but I about to crawl
I met the one with two scarred hands"

-Newsboys, Born Again

anything i could say..wouldnt be amazing enough. so..as to say.....a picture is worth a thousand words? well, this is, as well :)

on Apr. 23 2012 at 9:34 pm
_ella_herondale BRONZE, San Diego, California
4 articles 2 photos 224 comments

Favorite Quote:
"...If the Thames that ran beside them...recalled a night where the moon shone as brightly as a shilling on the same boy and girl... and thought to themselves, 'at last, the wheel comes full circle,' they kept their silence."

Woah this was good! I rarely am speechless but right now- I'm speechless!

on Apr. 1 2012 at 9:03 pm
MeHeartYou SILVER, Springfield, Virginia
5 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. i make mistakes, I'm out of control. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best! :)

While i was reading, i totally forgot about everything else around me. I really felt like i was there. Loved it :)

Puyruf said...
on Mar. 21 2012 at 6:56 pm
Puyruf, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
0 articles 0 photos 7 comments
Absolutely brilliant! It  seems so real. Please keep writing, I love this and can't wait to see more.

on Mar. 9 2012 at 10:03 am
Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 773 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it is the only way to survive in this world."

Great detail! Loved this! :)(: Does anyone think they can join my RP called: The Power Of Secrets (A Dragon Riders Tale)? I only need two more people, and if anyone wants to be a bad dragon rider that works for the evil king, there are three slots. Thanks! (Sorry for advertising)

KatsK DIAMOND said...
on Feb. 6 2012 at 8:16 pm
KatsK DIAMOND, Saint Paul, Minnesota
57 articles 0 photos 305 comments

Favorite Quote:
Being inexhaustible, life and nature are a constant stimulus for a creative mind.
~Hans Hofmann
You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.
~Ray Bradbury

OMG i've kinda wondered what this was like! good job the details were really good. you mad e me feel like i was there

eliana924 GOLD said...
on Jan. 25 2012 at 5:00 pm
eliana924 GOLD, New York, New York
11 articles 0 photos 116 comments
Wow! This is so chilling. You made it feel so realistic by not just telling things flat out but rather letting details slip in within the flow.

on Jan. 25 2012 at 1:20 pm
thatclarinetgirl12 BRONZE, Point Pleasant, West Virginia
2 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
"everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing it's stupid."-Albert Einstein

This awsome! makes me feel bad since i almost went postal today when my friend wouldn"t tell me when he was going to return my mp3 player. I would never last that long without it. keep writting!


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