Can't Leave Yet

February 9, 2016

   I can't leave yet. Not now. Maybe when I get to high school, but not now. I can't leave yet. I wouldn't be able to. I want to know where I'm going, I'm not sure how to get there. I don't know when I'll get there, so I can't leave yet. I don't know who I'll meet. I don't know what they'll be like, so I can't leave yet. Bu tif I stay, then I never will leave at all. For now, all I know is that I can't leave yet. I can't say goodbye. I suck at keeping calm and drying my own tears. I'm like a baby that can't go to sleep on its own yet. I need someone to help me along and then finally let me go. Do I have to leave yet? Please say no. But I want you to let me go. Where else will I go to? I have no other home than here and the wild, wild outdoors.

   When I was younger, I had dreamed about this for years until I met work, bills, stress and loneliness. Loneliness has been my one true friend for years. It was like an ugly barnacle stuck to the bottom of a rickety wooden ship. I just adjusted to it after a while. I learned how to keep it hidden form prying eyes and spectators. Stress is my mortal enemy though. I couldn't handle it. It tried to tie me down and yell in my face, whisper behind a covering hand, hit the children, hypnotize family members and worse, controlled me for almost ten years. I broke free of it just two or three years ago. I cried and cried. I never want those people back in my life, that stress, those bills, pointless money and the mentally deteriorating loneliness.

   That's why I can't leave yet. I love these people too much. I would die without them if the fighting didn't kill me first. I can't belive I'm saying this, but I think I can just stick it out for now. I like, no, love this place. If there was no fighting, it would be kinda boring here. If there was all love, peace and rainbows, it would be really annoying. This is a balanced family with some life struggles. I don't think I will leave. Just not yet.  

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