Can I trust you like I trust myself?

January 22, 2009
If I had all the money in the world, I still wouldn't tell you what I'm feeling right now, because quite frankly, you wouldn't understand. No one would. That's why I won't tell. Not a soul. Unless, of course, someone proves to me that they can be trusted to understand. Somehow I doubt that will happen though, because well, people have tried it before. They make me think they love me, trust me, want me. Need me. But then I turn around to see or hear (or more correctly, don't see or hear) them keeping things from me. Vital things, pieces of information. I hate it, but since they do it to me, I have no choice but to do the same to them. To not tell. To let my thoughts and feelings rot inside of me. It's sad, really. You do not know how much I would love to dump all of my feelings on someone. To know that I can trust them. Wow, does that sound cliché or what? I hate clichés. For one thing, I don't know how to use the freaking word. For another, I don't know how to spell it. Thank God for auto correcting computers. But anyway, that's what makes it fun. It makes you look smart. Hah. My insides are ripping apart. Like someone shot a sleek, silver bullet into my stomach where it decided to stop and have a party before leaving me to a slow and painful death. As lame and cliché as that sounds. But like I said, (or maybe I didn't. I don't know) No one cares. Or they wouldn't understand. Or even if they would, I know I couldn't trust them to help me. But why would they? They can't even trust me with vital information. Well yes. They could trust me, but apparently they don't know that. Probably because I can't trust them? Why trust if you can't be trusted -- right? Oh look. People are more like me then I thought.



So yeah. Do you want to know what I would tell you if I could trust you? Really, do you? You care enough to want to know? No, you don't. You are juts a curious, nosy, human. Just like me. Except other's don't give in. And I am about to.



Yeah. Take a breath. Read on. Go ahead, while you have the chance.



~What I would tell you if I could trust you~

First, I would tell you how much I love you. That if you ever left me, I would want to die. But I wouldn't, because that's what people do. They leave you.

Second, I would tell you that you can trust me with anything, and the more you trust me, the more I will trust you. I would tell you that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I am honored to have you in my life. That every time I think of you, a smile comes to my face. I would also tell you how pathetic I feel. Like I can not handle my own life. That is why I am writing this in the first place. I would tell you that I feel unworthy of your life, and that you shouldn't waste your time on me. But then I would say how I need you, and that I hope that you don't listen to my thoughts, but that you will stay with me forever. I would tell you how small the world makes me feel. How hurt I feel when it tells me that I am worthless. But I believe it. So I would tell you how much I appreciate you for believing in me. That you are amazing at making me feel needed.

I would tell you that I am not really who you think I am. That I'm not some fearless Goody-Two-Shoes. I would tell you that I do get scared. Scared that I am unneeded, unwanted, unloved. I would say how I wish there were no rules and no laws, because I break them all in my mind anyway. I would tell you that I still need your support, and even if I don't act like it, I love you more than life itself. But I can't trust you. I can't trust anyone because nobody will take time to prove to me that they would understand.



So there you have it. What I would tell you if I could trust you. But I can't trust you. And even if I could, you wouldn't understand. Nobody would.





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