Awkward and tense, the air in the car suffocates me. I feel as if my throat is caught between two giant hands trying their hardest to stop my breathing. I know how this will end; yet I continue to dig myself deeper into the pit of despair that has had me trapped for so long. I shouldn’t do it, but as I look into his eyes I lose all thoughts and worries and just keep digging my hole. I watch as my hands slowly rub his leg, creating a small circle of heat with my nervous energy. His jeans, smooth as silk between my grasp. Suddenly, the jeans transform into his hand, one that seems rough and calloused with all of his hardships. “I can’t do this to myself,” I think as I delicately trace a pattern on the inside of his hand, a path on a treasure map that leads me straight to his heart. With every stroke I can feel a new spark of electricity between us, intensifying the feelings trapped inside the small car. But then, I am no longer alone on one side of the car, my body now tightly embraced in his tanned arms that seem so strong to me. The music of the car penetrates my ears and radiates throughout my body, killing me slowly as that one stupid song replays over and over in my mind. My heart starts to sink with my thoughts, yet I lay silently with my head on his chest as I listen to the soft heartbeats that echo within my ears. They drown out my feelings, giving me the strength I feel I need. I look up and gently stroke his face, soft and young yet rough with the stubble of a man. “Oh, how things change,” I say softly in my mind. Our eyes lock and I can see the passion and desire smoldering in his quiet eyes, blocking out all of the other emotions that I know he truly feels. We both know we’re lying to ourselves and I can feel the tears coming as my heart begins to unravel at the seams. I know I can deal with this though; I’ve lived through it before. I’ve lived through the pain, the tears, the hurt, everything. He doesn’t know and I won’t ever let him know. He thinks I’m strong, but the truth is that I’m so much weaker than he thinks. Finally, the thoughts are broken with a simple kiss. His lips, soft gentle and experienced, slowly move together with mine hoping to forget our past. With each kiss, a moment erases for him. I know that he hopes with time we will forget everything that still burns in our hearts, and with every last kiss I can feel him slipping away, slowly saying goodbye to me. The irony burns me deep to the core as I realize that as we kiss my memories grow stronger. Everything floods back in my mind like a fierce, cold river. My body aches with the pain; only it knows how tortured I truly feel. I push back against his chest, tearing our lips apart quickly. His eyes look to me with questions and wonder, but I can’t manage to speak a word. I open the car door, exposing myself to the cold outside that not even my jacket can shield me from. “Wait!” I can hear him yelling from the car, but I am already running full speed toward anywhere else. The tears blur my eyes as my feet carry me away, ripping blisters in my feet as I run. Suddenly I trip, falling straight to the ground, but before I can hit the ground my eyes open and I realize that I’m still in that same small car. I’m still digging my hole deeper, still sinking farther into that pit of despair. I’m still stuck, still slowly ripping myself apart. I’m still what I dread and fear the most, me. So I kiss him one last time, a symbol of goodbye for the both of us, and I finally put down the shovel I’ve used to dig with for so long and begin to slowly pull myself out of that deep dark pit. And as my memories start to fade, just know that yours will too. We’ll never remember, I promise.
Beginning of the End
January 15, 2009