January 21st, 2009

I have always noted my indecisive personality, I mean it is quite evident due to my constant averseness to answer any simple question or my hesitant approach to determine what to do and how to even achieve what I might insist on operating throughout my day. With that, we can plainly assume that I am completely unaware of what to address within the short span of three-hundred and thirty-six pages that this diminutive journal possesses.
Perhaps it was not an intelligent idea to use a pen, it does not seem very much appropriate hence my situation but then again maybe it may advance my thinking skills and assure a conclusion to my continuous doubts.
Momentarily, I am unsure whether or not to represent myself in the means of, “normal.” For example, “Hello, my name is Christopher but my acquaintances propose me as Chris and I favor the color blue as well as purple and the various shades between them.” Personally, I prefer to claim the fact that I absolutely despise being attached to the label of Chris and my favorite color does not consist of a plain blue nor purple but it is in fact both a “slate-blue” and “medium-slate-blue,” the two seem equally grand so it is not apt to come close to identifying a single color to be superiorly dearest to my vision.
Am I to depict myself by stating how I graduated high school with a five point O GPA or that I am thought to be as an introvert? I have found that my writing exceeds my speech for I stammer more than half the time I begin to speak, I find that I can not grasp a simple, “how are you?” An extensive amount of opportunities have passed me where I could have lifted a finger to express my judgement on a certain idea or converse with another individual but as expected, I balk and ponder for an alternative anything rather than exchanging sets of futile words and hoping for a breakthrough in finding an intimate companion to share insignificant stories to pass the time with. Would it be more appropriate to initiate my discussions with a more modern, “sup” or would it be much more extravagant to introduce myself with, “Hey, how are you?” Either way, It consistently fails and they all perpetually frolic away, never returning for another session of small talk. I guess we can take in the consideration of me not being convinced of my methods to access an A-B conference between myself and somebody, although blame cannot be brought upon me because I have proven more than once that it is not of my ability to simply bring on an amiable identity. To be sincere with you, I genuinely acquire a very lonely state in which a satisfying book would serve the role of a friend and I would read days on end until I’ve accomplished finishing the entire series. I never read novels. I typically demand a more dramatic closure than the exemplary subtle one they convey to us readers.
As a hypocritical statement, I would prefer to add that I don’t perceive an ending to this journal. It is not at all credible, this whole writing scheme. Trying to be “explicit” with all my emotional affliction, at least that is what my mom had told me with the most aching glare, as well as my therapist.
Now please, only for the sake of my mom and dear therapist, allow me to disclose my case in the manner of distinguishing my past or some sort of recognition I presume you can call it. At a young age per-say, I have been characterized to be quite the extrovert. All of my moms associates would chuckle at the view of me prancing and making a mockery of myself for the ample laughter and commotion they would build. Whenever that occurred, I’d be swept away into another room to settle down and accept the most benevolent kisses. My father had been an immense component to my life, as a young boy I highly came to favor him in times of need and anxiety rather than my mom whom I’m more than appreciative towards the fact that she’d deliver the entire universe into my bare hands if only she had the capability to. At this point, you may have the hunch that I was a foolish boy for we should all favor our moms over our fathers but not always does that habitually arise.
To my memory, I recall a colossal event in which my elementary school sponsored a state wide science fair and as usual I would adhere all the rules compelled upon my fellow classmates and I. My creation was a simple dainty and bitty volcano made of the stereotypical baking soda technique, I probably descried a couple hundred of different volcanoes but I didn't mind hence in the back of my childish brain I assumed that mine was in fact far more advanced than the ones just like it. To my surprise, I in fact did not win nor did I receive a ribbon of 3rd place but instead I attained one stating, "Thank you for being a part of our science fair!" My father was not there that day.  The following hours thereafter consisted of me prancing about the house, waiting to display my casual prize to my father. I did that for a week straight. My mom was awfully quiet the whole time.
I awaited three years for any sort of presence but received not even a card, I lost hope and disposed the ribbon. I should've attempted to create a more liberal project in which could be viewed as a unique idea. Perhaps I should've made my volcano explode extremely hot magma and have that result in it deforming. If I have just advanced my project I'm sure my father would've been very much proud and I'm almost certain he would've kept his place for a trophy. Well, honestly I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'll continue another time.