But, I Digress

July 8, 2015

I find that I am often the source of my own obstacles. The way I am, and the actions I take (or don’t), are detrimental to my existence.  For instance, I never finish what I write. I fear that I might reveal more about myself than I wish others to know. It’s a fear I am incapable of explaining. A paucity of rationality. It is foolish, and complicated. Maybe I could blame a lack of temerity in my writing abilities, but it feels to be more than my insecurities spilling out onto paper; or not spilling. It scares me to think how much non-fiction is in a fictional story.  “Writers reveal more about themselves in their writing than they do their characters”. Crime television taught me that.  If I were to finish a story, and write a perfect ending, it would be erased immediately. The ending I write could be the one key to unlock my true desires that should only be known by the electrical boards in my computer and my-self. My files are filled with stories with no endings and sentences interrupted by nothing; like “That never—“, or “She would dream—“. I wish I could call it “symbolic” or “dramatic effect”, but this is a different intention. Perhaps it is a peculiar trepidation, but does it really differ from a fear of commitment or love? Fear is one of the many things that stop me from living a full life.
Sometimes I just feel like leaping off the top of building just to know the feeling of taking a chance. I have always been cautious; never being secure of my decisions, even if it seems to be the opposite. I am ashamed. Some of us have a quality that lets us act in an instant; not using our brains to make things happen in seconds. I am not one who has this ability. I thought playing it safe would always be easy, and painless. But the latter, (I’m just realizing), is completely wrong. It’s a different pain. You lose friendships, relationships, and loved ones. You lose memories that could have been made, or happiness that could have been gained. I guess I could blame my trepidations, and I guess I am. But what is saddening is that, in this scenario, you can’t blame your friend or parents; there is only yourself. That, (to me), is the worst part. Knowing that it is all of my fault, and no one else’s. It’s also the idea that I am missing so much, and I can’t do anything about it. Sometimes I don’t mind me being reserved, its apart of who I am! But extroverts, they don’t know the pain of watching opportunities go unused because you are afraid.
Truth be told, I have yet to overcome my obstacles. They will always be here with me. But, why I chose to write about this particular issue instead of one I had already resolved is because I know I need work. I know I can find a resolution to my fears, and I want everyone to know that I am trying, and pushing to be the better me. Finding your specific faults is easy, but solving them can take a lifetime, and I am ready to start repairing myself, like an old Mustang.
I admire people who are able to maintain a life of secrecy and mysteriousness. I have an admiration for Salinger and his ability to become a hermit; so recluse. Avoiding the everyday annoyances of people picking and prodding at you for information you don’t wish to share. Even though I admire him, maybe I fear I will become him. To not branch out in school, or to not meet new people. Maybe I fear—

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This article has 6 comments. Post your own now!

ellwist said...
Oct. 19, 2015 at 3:24 am
I liked the Salinger bit there, and especially the ending. Your emptiness reveals your whole--the fear, the quietness, the infallible yet at the same time meaningless. You've revealed more about yourself in the spaces between paragraphs than anyone ever could within words. Good job on this one. The title is especially clever.
gladinorsk This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 15, 2015 at 9:00 pm
Okay, you said the point of this was "to allow others to feel, and relate to who I am". The forthright style in which this is written, though, does not engage the emotional/connecting side of me. You seem to be just chunking these facts at your reader without giving much of a reason to care. (And, as Andrew Stanton said, "The greatest story commandment is: Make me care.) Also, your second sentence left me thinking, well, duh, everyone experiences that. Or at least us Type Sixes (see my other com... (more »)
gladinorsk This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 15, 2015 at 8:51 pm
First off, let me suggest you google "enneagram type 6". Enneagram is a personality typing system, and much of what you just described sounded to me like the description of a type 6 personality. (I'm a Type 6 myself.)
KittyKat1419 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 19, 2015 at 9:01 pm
Love it. This is a great piece of writing, and it takes a lot of talent to write something this good. I love reading all of your work, especially the poems. Keep up the good work!
KatalyticReaction said...
Jul. 17, 2015 at 9:23 pm
Completely agree with @Beila on this. This kind of writing belongs in more of the "Personal Experiences" section of non-fiction. It's, like your title explains, a wandering of thoughts and not a progression of events like a fictional story (and that's the problem; it's not a story). I think you have great writing potential, but if you want to write fiction, then you should focus on building characters and plot rather than a baseless, floating series of tangents. I wish you good luck and all the ... (more »)
BeilaThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 15, 2015 at 8:44 pm
I like what you did with the ending, but on the whole, this piece didn't really capture my attention. Especially as fiction, I think you needed much less telling and more imagery or hinting at things to allow the reader to think in between the lines. At this point, you're just making one statement after the other about yourself, and it even starts to sound melodramatic, even though I realize that the idea behind this piece is honest and real. Work on leaving more up to the reader so that you dra... (more »)
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