Today is the 3rd of January. This was the day my life would change. Quite drastically, I might add. I didn’t know this when I got up this morning. The morning was no different than any other morning, besides the foot of snow delivered to my tiny town in Bloomville, Ohio, overnight. I woke with an early start, like usual. I got in the hang of waking up early after having my first and only kid, but Kennedy was much older now, making a life of her own now. My job as a parent was complete, but my job as a nurse continued. Helping people was what I did. It's all I’ve ever done. It made me feel valuable.
There wasn’t some gaping hole in my life that needed to be filled or anything. I didn’t aid others to fill the emptiness in my heart. To be honest, my life was good. I had completed almost everything I wanted to do in my 50 years of life (besides travel to Greece). I married my high school sweetheart, Dawson, and we lived a long and happy life together. Kennedy was my biggest success in my life. I even managed to score my dream job. I was a lot happier than most people, and rightfully so. I  pitied the people who rushed into the hospital at 3 in the morning with a fatal emergency. Sometimes, you don’t get to choose what happens in life. And I had a long and lucky life.
The mornings were constantly a rush of time. I had showered, dressed, cooked breakfast for Dawson and I and warmed the car up in 90 minutes. Time always swirled by. Work was a constant state of dashing and panic. We nurses had been trained to always keep calm in an emergency, and let the clients do the panicking for us. For me, it was no problem. I could take on any task. I had been working as a nurse for 20 years now. I could perform this job as easily as you eat. Naturally.
I grabbed my outdated cell phone before work. I had one text in my inbox, which was obviously from Kennedy. She was the only one I texted. She was really the only reason why I had a cell phone in the first place.
  -Be safe out there. Roads are looking slippery this morning.-
Beaming, I replied a thank you and told her to do the same. I shoved my cell phone deep into my slick, beige pants, and gave a quick kiss goodbye to Dawson.
I hopped into my red van, turned on my favorite classical tune, and was off on what was another adventurous day. 
The hospitals during the winter was mostly filled with flu-infested people and people with physical injuries. The summer, in my opinion, was a lot more intense. People were more active during the heated days. They were more stupid, also. I made small talk with my co-workers in the back room during my breaks, and put a smile on my face for the patients. The digital clock on my desk zoom by. The red letters all blend in together as time seems to fast forward. People run in and out of the hospital in seconds, all in fast-forward. Time was always changing for me. Mostly, it went fast. Fast was comfortable. Fast was the normal. I liked it that way.
The time reached 4:15 when my boss, Deryl, gave me the ‘ok’ to leave for the night. Perfect. I had just enough time to go home and whip up something for dinner. Kennedy was going to stop by for dinner. This was an ongoing tradition every Friday. I grabbed all my belongings and rushed out the door before something blocked my way from leaving- which trust me, it happens.
My old, red van took two tries to start up. The van felt like it was just as old as I was. I didn’t wait any time for the car to warm up, but instead, I jumped on the road. Friday dinners were always the highlight of the day.
The classical music was turned up as much as my elderly car could take. A sense of peace flew through me like it had so many times before. Classical music was a good way to relax after a day of a stressful job. I hummed along to the melody, and felt myself sink into relaxation. I auto-piloted my way back home, finally taking notice of the trees dressed in snow. The howling wind shook the trees, and the crystal white snow danced in the wind. It was beautiful. And distracting.
Driving became an extension of my arm. The car became a part of me when I was on the road. It was something that just came instinctively. I didn’t think about applying the gas or the brake. Only when the car started to defy you, and go against your orders, are you thrown and smacked with confusion. I drove down the icy roads, slipping. I lost control of the car like a man who has failed to train a dog. The dog ran away without even paying attention to the orders being barked at him, as my car demanded its own control. I stepped on the brake, but with defyance, the car kept going. And the worst part was, I was heading towards an intersection, and a black wagon was turning left right in front of my eyes. Right in front of me. In front of death.
So, I’d have to say, this is the exact moment that will transform my life. I had two options facing me at the moment, and I had a split second to choose. The answer to me was obvious. I didn’t have to second guess. Maybe it was the nurse in me, maybe it was just me. I grasped the wheel, the only thing in my control, and swerved to the right, and stepped fairly on the gas. Just by a hairline had I missed the car in front of me, and instead, ran right into a guard rail. The screeching sound of my van meeting the guard rail was the last I heard before the car tipped over, and smashed onto its side.
I’d like to say that the moment I died, time had finally slowed down for once, and gave me a moment to appreciate what was left of my life. My beautiful, grown child and my husband will forgive me in time. They will understand why I chose what I did. But, time did not slow down. It kept on going its usual, fast space. In fact, I don’t even remember smashing my head on the glass and dying almost instantly. How did I know I was dead?
Well, I stood only a few feet from my crumbled car, with other cars surrounding it. Nobody paid any attention to me. The man who had been in the black wagon had stopped right in the middle of the intersection. In fact, he took a few moments to realize what happened. He ran up to investigate the car.
“Yo! Are you alright? Can you hear me? Hello? I’m calling the cops, just hang in there!” Little did he know I was already long gone. I could see him shivering in his single sweatshirt. Didn’t he know that it was January? Cop cars showed up soon, and they evacuated me from the car immediately and pronounced me dead. It was hard to freak out. Here I stood, invisible and watching police wrap my body up in a bag. But I was no human anymore. I didn’t feel human. I didn’t feel the cold anymore. The wind went through my body. I felt no pain anymore, no stress of life. All I felt was gratitude, and extreme happiness. I was grateful for the life I once had. I was happy because, well, why not? There was nothing to be sad about.
Wait. Was this heaven? I was still on earth. There was no clouds or angels or some man in a beard who judged little humans on earth. There was just me. My spirit. My soul. So now what?
The man had to be in the early 20’s. Oh man, did he have all of his life ahead of him. He was obviously shaken up from such an event like this. The cops interviewed him right away, and got his side of the story. I stood closely by, and eavesdropped on the conversation.
His name was Ethan. He was 23, and lived alone in an apartment not far from here. Not that I was worthy of judging or anything, but he didn’t seem like the most aspiratious of people, but I got the sense, deep down, he had a good heart. Was this my purpose now? I saved Ethans life. I had sacrificed my own. I knew there was something off with him that needed… fixing. It was like instinct. This was my job. My last and final patient.
The cops had deemed him innocent, and not tried with murder. You could see it in his eyes. They knew he was innocent off the bat, but they were just following rules and had to interview him. It was a long time before Ethan could leave.
One cool benefit of being well, dead, was that I didn’t always take the form of a human being. I didn’t have to take the form of anything. There was no way to describe the feeling. There was no feeling to describe. I was just there, in the air. Everywhere. I saw everything from every angle and time wasn’t the same at all. I could jump from one place to another in a fraction of a second. I could sense others emotions around me, but not be overcome with it. And, I wasn’t just learning all of this now. It’s like I had always known this, but just temporarily forgot. Humans got so wrapped up in their own lives and troubles that they forgot what was important to them. And they forgot the purpose of life. And now I knew for certain that was why I was here, following Ethan back to his apartment.The empty looks in his eyes, the loss of excitement in his tone was all very revealing to me. He was very unhappy with his life. He just didn’t fully know it yet.
With a key in one hand and a phone in the other hand, he unlocked the white door to his apartment. I wasn’t surprised to find a dingy, dark apartment with little lighting. The white door was chipped, the thick air lingered in the air, like even the air particles itself was tired of the same cycle every single day. He threw the keys on the kitchen table full of empty plates and plastic cups. The couch welcomed him with an unexcited sigh,  he slumped down, hovering over the phone still in his hand. I could see the aura of exhaustion and a crave for alcohol flow off him like a lazy vapor, slowly drifting off of his skin. The phone in his hand vibrated twice. Even an aura shot out of that, too. That aura was all electric, so the aura flew out instead of Ethans slow moving, slightly depressed aura. In fact, every single object had some type of aura. A chair, the tv, the tiny hamster in the corner. Everything gave off vibes and energy and it all affected each other in some way. Some more than others.
The phone in Ethan’s slouched hand had a text from a woman, who was named Sierra in his cell phone. The words read in tiny letters, “Where are you? Don’t think I don’t know what’s been going on. Can you please just answer me?” The minute Ethan read the text, his aura slightly changed. He now felt regret. Like, he knew he was going to get caught. I think he loved her, deep down. He put the phone down on the couch next to him, debating if he should answer. He decided against it, and instead, turned on the basketball game. He was dwelling on a certain memory. I could tell the memory was fresh. Exciting. Now, he looked at the memory with hatrid. And the pictures became clear to me. There was another woman. Classy, Ethan, classy. So, was this the reason I was here? Just to get him to stop playing around? Well, there was one way I could communicate with him. I had to let him know I was here in his presence. And I knew just the way to do it. I felt power rush through me, and memories of my old life came flushing in in a second. In fact, it was almost every single memory I had experienced in life that flashed before me. I had to make Ethan see. I was here, and I could help him. I will help him. I knew exactly where to take Ethan. In his head, I was there, controlling the environment around me. I controlled his thoughts. Like a strong day-dream.
A tiny school playground grew in front of me and Ethan. I knew this playground well, because it was the playground at my elementary school. My imagination grew here, I ran around and played mostly by myself. And right in front of Ethan, was a 6 year old me. I felt like I was actually here, at the school, outside in the fall air. But to Ethan, this felt like nothing more but a strong daydream. A vision in his head. He noticed me as a child right away.
“Whoa!” He said startled, and took a step back before stepping forward just a tiny to really see if it was me.
“No way…” He whispered. Little me just bounced along on the hop-scotch, minding my own business. Ethan took more time to take in the scenery. He didn’t notice the place at all.
A tough 4th grader walked straight up to little me, taunting me like I wouldn’t care.
“Leave me alone!” Little me cried out. I remember how hard it was for me to blurt out those 3 words. I thought I sounded brave back then. Looking back now, I realized how weak I sounded. With one push to the chest, little me fell to the ground with my dignity, on the break of tears.
“Hey!” Ethan called out, but they couldn’t hear him. A teacher, my old teacher, walked up to scold the bully, and remove him from the playground. Mrs. Harrison didn’t even bother to help me on my feet. So, there little me lied, watching the 4th grade bully walk away with a nagging teacher behind his ear. Little me let the tears fall. She did nothing to him. Ethan tried helping her up. But his hand went right straight through hers.
“What the…” I could feel Ethans heart beat faster. He was starting to lose his cool.
And then the playground vanished in a snap, and we were back in Ethans apartment. He jumped to his feet, his eyes jumping with his body until he cooled down and thought he was alone. He wanted to believe he was alone.
I would convince him. I would let him know I was here. I was here to help. He ran to the safety of alcohol for the night. Drinking, watching basketball, and ignoring the calls and texts of his girlfriend was the highlight of his night. Right before he decided to sleep for the night, he took notice of a signed birthday card on his kitchen cabinet. The birthday card was made out to a man named Spencer. The bottom had a tiny note, written out from Ethan. -Happy birthday, bro.- Ethan sighed as he put the card back down. He didn’t have any intention of sending the birthday card. His aura changed to a little faster pace, but it was off. He was angry. His thoughts were filled with hurtful words. Some were not said in his own voice. I guess the other was Spencers. His own brother. I saw a man in a suit. He looked just like Ethan. Definitely a brother. Miscommunication and the feeling of authority was a perfect combination to ruin a brotherhood.
He went off to his tiny bedroom, bed unmade and clothes on his floor. It represented a bedroom of a teenage boy. He let himself drunkenly fall onto the bed. He was out snoring pretty quickly. But I had all the patience in the world. I was not going to give up on Ethan.
White flowers, a white dress, champagne, and all your loved ones gathered together can be one of the happiest events of ones life. For me, my wedding had been something I’ve cherished all of my life. Ethan walked inside the reception of my wedding. Instead of this being like a strong daydream, this was just like a dream of his. Inside, all the women gathered in a tiny crowd, all squealing and jumping around like a bunch of fangirls. And then there was me, standing with my back towards them in my silky white flawless dress. My hair was pinned up the most beautiful way. I really did feel like a princess at the time. Me in the vision held the bouquet about my head. She held the excitement for a moment. I missed this. While Ethan paid attention to me in my wedding dress, I noticed Dawson, admiring me from a distance. A wide smile spread across his face, unhiding. Suddenly, the bouquet went flying in the air.
The women screamed louder, jumped louder, and even pushed other women out of the way. The bouquet fell into the hands of a woman in slick, black hair. Oh, I remember how annoyed I was when I found out when my literally crazy cousin caught the bouquet. She had rubbed it into everybody's faces for the rest of the night. Even to me in the vision! But, I watched myself bite my tongue, smile, and just run off to my new husband to dance. I didn’t let my crazy cousin get to my feelings. I just brushed her off my shoulders. I let her have her fun. I had my own life.
Hoping that Ethan caught the message, I took him out of the vision. He woke with a startle. He almost screamed.
“Hello?” He called out. He looked out into the ceiling, thinking that I’d be in the air.
“I’m going crazy. I’m absolutely crazy. This is not happening.”
Oh, but it is, Ethan. He knew it. He knew he wasn’t crazy.
“What- what do you want? Why are you here?” He tried to ask. Yeah, like I’d just respond. If I could just talk to him, I wouldn’t be sending him visions of my own life, now would I? But, I couldn’t help but feel blissfully happy. This was the first step in helping Ethan. He didn’t know this, but he was going to make some big changes in his life. I was going to make sure of it.
Ethan slowly accepted my presence. He never told anybody about me. We went by, day by day, and I gave him more memories of my past life. I never felt any regret for my choices that lead me to this mentorship. The memories got more intense over time. The fight I had with my husband on my honeymoon, the high school peer pressure to rebel and have some illegal fun. Ethan got to know me more and more every single day, and I knew his true personality. Girl after girl, he never connected himself with anybody. He never let himself feel anything. He thought my memories were pointless. Until I gave him the memory of my last day. The moment I had decided that giving my own life up was worth saving his. The moment he realized that all of this was so that he could change. Start over and have a better life. It took 3 years.
The crowd buzzed calmly, full of college students. There was such a diverse amount of people here. So many auras. But, the only one I cared about was Ethans. I couldn’t believe it had already been 3 years since the anniversary of my death. Ethan never forgot. He even got into contact with my family. Seeing my family as a spirit wasn’t some longing, sad event. I was happy. One day, when the time was right, I would be rejoined with them.
Not only did Ethan contact my own family, he even reached out to his brother. Spencer wasn’t all open arms in the beginning, but I continued to nudge him towards his family. In time, he kindled his relationship with his brother and helped Spencer bury the hatchet.
Ethan and I became very close friends, even though at times he questioned if I was really there or some imaginary friend he made up. He learned my life through my memories and visions. He would ask about my job, and my home life, and I gave him what he asked for. I got to know him just by being with him. He knew, too, why I was there. Bringing him face to face with the fact that his life was off track was the hardest part about this journey.
Across the auditorium of college kids was Sierra. It wasn’t long until Ethan and her broke up. She knew all along about Ethans loyalty. He tried everything he can to make up for it, but in the end, she was hurt too badly. He was guilty. He lived with the consequences of his actions. That was 3 years ago. I think finally he has learned from the mistakes, and forgiven himself for the mistakes.
But that is what life is all about. Making choices. Ethan sat down at one of the seats, tapping the eraser of a pencil against his knee. He didn’t slouch anymore when he sat. He had more patience with people. He understood them a little more.
“Is this seat taken?” A tall girl asked him. She hair had more volume than it needed and her eyes were pounded with makeup. But, she had beauty. Everybody here had some kind of beauty.
“No, go ahead.” He gestured towards the open seat.
“I’m Sam. And you are?” Oh. A very confident woman.
“Ethan.” He spoke louder over the crowd.
“Hi Ethan.”
“I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but you don’t seem that interested in a biology class.” Ethan observed. She giggled, and disagreed with him.
“I’m a complete nerd when it comes to science.”
“Yeah, I can relate.” They were off into their own little chit chat. I didn’t need to pay attention anymore. I didn’t need to help him anymore. Ethan was not the same person when that car accident happened. My job here was finally done. There was no more help to be given. No more mistakes he had to fix. He knew now what he wanted in life. He went to community college, got help from his family, and he even wanted a family and kids someday.
Me being here was now pointless. I had to move on. I looked down at Ethan for one last time. He still had such endless possibilities. Slowly, but surely, I let myself go and just vanished.