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December 5, 2008
Kris10 is like chilling at home;; text it.
It seems to happen to us all. We wake up one morning and the world has shifted in such a way that every thought we have seems surreal to the previous days. Where your best friend can hear one rumor and automatically assume that’s its true. Where your entire circle of friends can shut you out just because one person says they should. Maybe they were never really my friends at all.
Reason’s they weren’t my friends:
Sarah was always the ring leader.
That’s all I can think of. Man, I just want to leave this school. And I
hate this stupid blog. I mean, it’s really cool that I get to spend an entire class on the computer writing, but I never know what to write about. I really wish Mr. Simon wouldn’t have assigned this for our creative writing class. It’s supposed to be a writing journal but he never reads it, so I’ll just write what I want to. Only two minutes left of this class; luckily its Friday though.
I’ve been having problems at home, dealing with my new step mom. She just totally doesn’t get that she can’t walk in and pretend to be my mom, she’s not. Sometimes I think it might be better to live with Mom. Even though I’ve only seen her, and my home town four times since they divorced six years ago. Dad is sending me off to Mom’s for the weekend because he thinks I’m “emotionally disconnected”. My dad, the Oprah schooled psychologist. So onward, to sweet home Mississippi.
December 6, 2008
This cannot be happening. Not happening.
Why this cannot be happening:
I don’t live here. I live exactly 95 miles away from here.
I’ve known him since I was little. Very very little.
I don’t remember him being into girls.
Since I’ve left Bay St. Louis, when I was ten, a lot of things seem to have changed. I mean I’ve been here before this, it’s just… whoa. And there is only one reason for my freak out.
A kid that I’ve had classes with since I was in the first grade and here I find myself drooling over him. That geeky little boy that used to wear glasses and be obsessed with power rangers. This doesn’t seem correct. Not to mention, HELLO, he has a girlfriend. Even that catches me off guard and makes me subtly angry. He’s so fantastic though. Ten times more funny and charming than I ever remember. That alone time should not have happened. But it did. It happened, I held his hand. And GIRLFRIEND. Ugh, maybe I am all those things Sarah said I was. But I’m not. I’ve known Jeff since I was five. He’s always been there. I guess it just took me being able to look at him, really look at him to understand that I am irrevocably in a great and giant pool of like for this boy. And I am leaving. I’m leaving tomorrow at three.
But I can talk to him! He knows everything. About Sarah and my ex boyfriend Dallas. Even when I said some of my crazy talk, like “I don’t deserve this”, he just lightly hit me in the forehead and told me to shut up and not say things like that anymore. How can someone that I haven’t seen in over a year walk into my life and turn it completely upside down while managing to take everything in and be there for me like I never left?
Jeff: Hey Kristen. You coming to play videogames?
Me: Uh. I’m not sure. I think my mom needs me to help her do some stuff.
Jeff: Liar, see you in a few minutes.
I love that he types complete sentences in text messaging. Completely like myself. Jeff is staying at my neighbor’s house tonight and I’m trying to find some reason to not go play video games with them.
Why I don’t play video games:
Zero hand-eye coordination.
No will power to actually violently kill something.
I’m not good at smack talk.
Aren’t video games for people with no lives who sit in their parent’s basement fighting elves and zombies until they’re thirty?
Sarah would disapprove…
December 7, 2008
Home, safe and sound in some matter of the phrase. I’ll be leaving to go home in fourteen hours. But, wow. I wish I could understand what’s happening here. I mean, I travel 95 miles in my mothers ’07 Mustang debating whether or not I should jump out the door of the 75 mph car and unto the freeway; and I end up not wanting to ever leave this town again. I think… I think I’m in love? That seems like such an inappropriate phrase for someone like me: a carbon copy of stereotypical cliché’s and a symbol for everything that’s wrong with teenage society. Me, with my angst, text messaging, myspace, and darn slightly alternative mostly indie music; not to mention my sarcasm that very few people over 21 seem to understand.
We didn’t kiss. We didn’t do anything of any sorts like that. He has a girlfriend, and I’m not looking to mess up his entire life in one weekend, because the truth of the matter is that in 13hours and 27minutes I will be back in that Mustang traveling back home. And although I really want to come here for Christmas, odds are I won’t be back here for another six months. I doubt he even likes me.
Reasons why he can’t like me:
I don’t live here.
He has a girlfriend.
He’s seen me in my really awkward pudgy stage in fourth grade.
He saw my white trash house where the living room in a band room and my mom and step dad drink until “Hotel California” is slurred and ends up in Arizona, or Ohio.
I don’t want to go home. There is something liberating about being here. I feel like myself. I don’t put on any persona of an average air head teenager. And people here look at my differently, not in the “lyke omg she’s friggin smokin” and not even a “she’s from dat dare big city: Alabama” way, but in a “Whoa” kind of way. That is the best feeling, the best look, I could ever ask for. Where as back home I’m in a never ending whirlpool of rumors and childish names. “Cow” seems to be the one of the century. What if I just stayed in Mississippi?
Reasons I should stay in Alabama:
Better school system in my opinion.
Dad, I cant leave him alone.
Better college opportunities.
Reasons I should live in Mississippi:
Mom, she needs help.
Those are horrible reasons. I can’t stay here. I have to go home.
December 7, 2008
Here I am again; in the backseat of the Mustang thinking maybe I should just jump out the door. I swear to God I almost cried saying goodbye to him. He hugged me goodbye and made me promise to come home for Christmas. I asked mom if I could, and she made me feel like I was asking if the Pope was Catholic. She does that a lot to me- makes me feel like the world revolves around me and then doesn’t call for a few, or seven, months. He didn’t do that lame cliché thing of watching the car leave, but when he hugged me my heart slowed down and sped up all at the same time. Oh wow. My phone just beeped.
Jeff: I miss you.
Me: Oh wow. Really? I’ve only been gone forty minutes.
Jeff: Like a sheep in Alaska misses its wool.
I can’t live in Mississippi. It would never work out.
Me: This is silly, you know. Nothing could work out between us since I live so far away.
Jeff: Well, then I guess I’ll just have to drive the 95 miles every weekend.
How does he know the miles? And his GIRLFRIEND, hello? Ugh. I don’t know what to do.
December 12, 2008
Jeff has made good on his promise to come see me during the weekend. Tomorrow he’s driving out here and said he has some surprise for me. The thought of that seems a little off though. I really excited.
School here hasn’t improved since I last wrote. Sarah still finds time to make me look like dirt in front of the entire student body, but that has drawn me closer to people I was friends with pre- Sarah . This all seem terribly cliché, almost like some fairytale, but far from it.
It seems to happen to us all: we feel like our world is crumbling down when it really just takes one person to show us that we aren’t as terribly haggard as we feel. It takes one person.
December 13, 2008
Kris10 is doing cartwheels for you.
Mood: is giggly a mood?
He broke up with his girlfriend.