Holding my little boy in my arms and looking him in the eyes makes me feel blessed. They always say sometimes you're never thankful for what you have until its gone; but for me its the other way around. I have never thought i could be so thankful for a child until I had one. Maxwell is such a little blessing in my life, he’s the streak of sunlight in my life that I never had. He’s change my life in so many different aspects. From when i first got pregnant and had to learn what pain really was. To the last time I would ever have to be pregnant at sixteen.
Being pregnant at sixteen wasn’t always the easiest, and yeah it was very hard at times. Between the in mature teens that would call me a slut. To the judgmental adults that treated me differently without even knowing my side of the story. When most people see a young teen pregnant they always think right away, “Well she’s a slut.” I know this because I use to think that. But what if they were forced?
We don’t know what they’ve been through or what happened to them. I didn’t realize it until I was forced by a guy and got pregnant. It’s real, it happens more often than sometimes we realize. It’s something very personal for some people to talk about, for obvious reasons. It’s downgrading to the girls that it happens to, it’s embarrassing, and it is plain out depressing. For some like me, its hard to explain the feeling. But it changes you, not only physically, but mentally also. It disintegrates your spirit. As a human being and a young girl you don’t even understand. “Why me?” I use to ask myself. “Out of everyone in this world, I had to be used and forced to do something with a guy that got me pregnant. I must be the worst person in the world in order for this to happen to me. Or just the stupidest.” Being young and confused I didn’t know what to do. I was so scared and lost in the world. It was like I was standing in the middle of thousands of people walking around me doing their normal everyday thing; and I was just standing there lost, yelling for someone to help me. But everyone was so caught up in their everyday life to see me. Or even hear me.
The pregnancy was a journey that's for sure. Trying to get my mental state back in place as well as trying to still have a life. My little blessing was born in March, I still remember the night because I looked out the window and saw snow. Looking down at my belly bump and wondering, “What the heck am I doing?” I’m going to have a baby and have a tiny little person that I am responsible for. He is going to rely on me for everything.” But as soon as I held him in my arms for the first time and looked in his eyes I knew everything was going to be okay. I may still not have understood exactly why this had happened to me; nor will I ever. But I knew I was going to raise this little boy into a wonderful young man. I was going to show him as much love as I possibly could.
My little boy is now one in a half and looking at him now I couldn’t be happier. He is such a light of sunshine. Everytime I feel like just breaking down crying he makes me laugh. Whether he’s hugging me and patting me on the back or giving me a juicy kiss on the cheek. He’s amazing, I never knew I could love someone as much as I love him. He’s my little bag of joy and I never want to lose it. From the first time he smiled at me, to the first time he walked towards me I remember it all. And I will keep remembering and cherishing all he has given me. He has opened my world to so many different aspects that I never even knew existed.
Even though in the back of my mind I will always wonder why this happened to me, I wouldn’t change a thing. If someone told me I could go in time and redo getting pregnant, I wouldnt. I love my son to the very soul of my self. He is my joy, and sunshine every day I wake up to every time I go to bed. He is the reason I get out of bed every morning, literally too. He’s my sun that shines through a cloud to remind me that not everything always makes sense. But one day it will. So if you are one of those girls that other people judge because of something you couldn’t control; hang in there. It will get better and you may not understand at this exact moment, but one day there will be a streak of sun that comes out of the clouds.
Dedicated to my son, Maxwell Lee.