We were there, quiet. Our hearts beating, our blood flowing, doing what we are made to do love, live, exist. There’s many aspects of life that I’ll never understand. How 7 billion people can be so oblivious as to what our ending is. Is our ending a new beginning? Is our ending happy, sad, or emotionless. I think about this a lot, about my ending about my story but now is not my ending it is someone else’s, my loved one. So now I just sit, I breathe, I exist. I don’t know if you know this but there is condition that renders you immune to pain. It’s called ‘Congenital insensitivity to pain’. Some people will call this a blessing, but unfortunately there is no condition that renders you immune to the heartbreaking agony one can endure.
















When asked what you fear most of, you’ll get the usual clowns, murderers, spiders, rapists. Yes, these are very rational straightforward fears and I don’t expect for many people to hold the same fear I do. Mine is that within ten even three seconds you’re whole life, world and existence can just collapse into a pit of nothingness. Those ten seconds can be anything, a hit of a car, a stopped heart, a swallow of a pill, a strong tide and in my boyfriend’s case, a tug of a rope. A rope so tight that not even within a second he could remember what he left behind, me.














I’m just going to sit here, with my family and his family. Our hearts are beating and our blood is flowing and there is one person on our mind. Soon his heart will fail to beat soon his blood will congeal and it will be over. It may not be within ten seconds but it will have the same outcome and it doesn’t matter how long it takes if the outcome is just as agonizing. There will never be a pain like this. It sucks all hope out of you. All your faith in life, gone, you feel empty. You can’t help but think will this pain ever end? Will I have to end this pain myself? My thoughts are interrupted by a nurse with a sympathetic face, one I now despise and have nightmares about. This nurse withholds news that opens the pit of nothingness that I am sucked in to. I am gone, I am empty and only one thing could fill this pit, fill this void within me. Him.