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Some say you will get through it. Some tell you to give up. Hope has perspectives. Everyone sees it in a different way. Things seem simple until they are performed. I look at life as one big setup. Everything is laid out beforehand, everything is planned. Questions come to mind of who exactly holds this setup. Some believe God, others believe yourself. I believe both. We all choose our actions, but we never know how they will end up. We are not fully in charge.
I lie in bed at night; awake, tangled in my own thoughts. Questions enter my head. Some have definite solutions, others do not. Being a curious person seems almost unearthly at times. Too many philosophies take control in such little time. Or maybe it’s just me. That’s the thing; everyone lives in their head. They choose what to say or what not to say. We all assume things of each other. Maybe we admit to it, or maybe it’s all just a lie. There’s something dangerous about the world. It’s us. Humanity. We constantly research each other; mindlessly knowing whether life is what we expect of it. We tell each concepts and share ideas. But why must we ask ourselves the most impossible of questions? Why ask others when we can ask ourselves? The world is full of independent people, and in order to change things, we have to change ourselves. We can only promise ourselves things nowadays. We are careless yet we tell ourselves otherwise. We continue to lie to ourselves and each other, even though we tell ourselves and each other otherwise.
So what can we do? Well I suppose we already tell ourselves nothing can be done. Our lies transform our lives; and yet, they are still taking over.
Here I am, awake at five o’clock in the morning. I never planned on sleeping. I couldn’t anyway.
Everything started two months ago. May 17th. I woke up a 9:15am, like I did every Saturday. I got dressed and planned to head down to Burwood, a small local café. I loved going there to complete my homework and release some of my deepest thoughts into a journal; it helped me express myself in ways that I didn’t think was possible.
I decided on something monumental in that cafe; I decided to enroll in math and science summer classes at my local college campus. I wanted to lighten my future workload, make semesters shorter, and get ahead. I loved school; it was the only place where I felt accepted. I had too much time to myself in the summer. My parents supported me through this decision and thought that it would be beneficial for me. I was glad I did so. I was in my sophomore year of high school and would soon be going onto junior year. I hoped for the best when it came to a new semester.
Thankfully, the best came. In June, I started attending classes regularly after I graduated from sophomore year. One day, my math professor introduced someone new to my life. Tyler. As soon as he entered the room, I swear, my heart stopped. A boy with dirty blonde hair and brown eyes walked in. He looked to be around 5’7-ish and had the most genuine smile. I shyly smiled back at him.
“Maya, Tyler will be joining us for the rest of the semester classes.” Ms. Murray, my teacher, explained to me. He joined me and the five other students that were seated in the class.
“Graduating early?” I asked him.
“Planning to. I’m looking to get ahead on my schedule,” he answered me.
The day went on pretty regularly. When it was time for lunch break, I was exited to finally be eating with someone else besides my book by a tree. I invited Tyler next to me to eat.
“Are you a junior?” I asked him.
“Soon to be,”
Then came the best lunch of my life. We carried on a solid conversation and laughed about how much we despised the ending to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. He explained how melancholy he felt during his sophomore year was and how he wished it all didn’t happen, while I related to him. Everyday, we met at that same spot and ate lunch. We talked to each other about each other, life, and everything. I never felt so comfortable with someone in my entire life. For the first time, I felt like I wasn’t telling someone lies.
After a week, I knew that things were going to be alright. I felt serene around Tyler. I didn’t feel awkward or forced to say something in order to keep the conversation going. I felt like myself. Everyday when I woke up, I thought about him. Every night before I went to bed, I thought about him. I wanted to make a move. So I did just that. I invited him over to my place. He accepted calmly, as if I asked him all the time.
The day he came over was a Saturday afternoon. He came over and we played soccer for endless hours in the fields behind my house. He laughed when I messed up. I did the same. Eventually, it grew darker outside and we could hardly see where we were kicking the ball. I suddenly kicked the ball a great distance, causing a thud. The thud actually came from Tyler’s face- I kicked it a little too high. He lay on the ground, gasping for air. I quickly ran over.
“Oh my word, Tyler. I’m so sorry.”
That’s when I noticed that he was laughing hysterically, which made me join him. We lied on the grass laughing for awhile, until it all died down. That’s when he looked me straight in the eyes and genuinely smiled at me. I smiled back with a feeling of relief.
On Monday, I greeted Tyler in the classroom with a hug. Ms. Murray was not yet in class; she was always running late. Tyler and I took our usual spots and talked. We talked about how much fun we had, the rest of our weekend, and just laughed at the most witless of things. Ms. Murray finally arrived to rain on our parade and we continued on with our day.
Weeks passed. Tyler and I hung out once or twice before the best day of my life came. At this point, Tyler and I knew each other for around a month now.
Tyler invited me over to his place for the first time. I met his parents, both incredibly likable folks. We hung out, watched TV and ate dinner. After dinner, he asked me if I wanted to go outside with him and attempt to make a bonfire. Our bonfire was semi-successful, yet we were pretty proud of ourselves. We sat there in silence for a bit, enjoying each other’s company. Finally, he broke the silence.
“Can I tell you something?” He asked me.
“Of course,” I replied.
“You are the first person on earth to be so genuine to me.”
“I’m unnoticed. I have been abandon and thrown away. But you? You seem as you actually care about me,” he explained.
I smiled as he moved closer to me and put his arm around me. That was the night that I felt love. That was also the night that I felt like I was worth something.
After that night, Tyler and I hung out almost every day after class. By the end of July, it was almost time to leave classes for both of us. Tyler and I pretty much completed everything we wanted to. I learned almost everything about him. He even told me that I knew more about him than anyone else on the planet. Paradise ended on July 27th; approximately 8pm.
I knocked on his door that night, being invited anxiously by him. His mom answered the door.
“He’s in the kitchen,” she told me.
When I quietly walked to their kitchen, I saw only the back of Tyler. His face was buried into his arms.
“Tyler, what’s going on?”
He peered up, tear stains still dwelling over him. His face was filled with sadness.
“Maya,” he spoke, “I have a confession.”
I was nervous. “Yes?”
“The reason that I was taking all of those classes early was because I was studying to be accepted to the Australian Science and Mathematic School. Yesterday, I received an acceptance letter.”
I was speechless. Tears streamed down my face.
“Maya, I didn’t want things to end like this,” he cried.
“I understand, Tyler, I really do,” I informed him.
“There’s something I want you to know before I leave, though,” he said.
“I-I,” he continued, “I really love you.”
“I love you too, Tyler.”
I hugged him and told him that I would miss him. I wasn’t disappointed that he was leaving; I was happy for him. He worked hard to complete a great accomplishment and still managed to be the best person he could be.
On the day he left, I hugged him one last time and asked him if he would still contact me.
“Of course,” he answered. “You will always have a place in my heart.”
That made me smile.
Everything leads up to right now. Junior year begins in two weeks. I don’t feel lonely, though; I feel complete. Complete because I know that Tyler means it when he says ‘you will always have a place in my heart.’ Right now I’m lying in bed, trapped in these thoughts of the future. And that’s why I can’t sleep.