For Danny,
who always reminded me
“Breathe, it’s only a bad day. Not a bad life.”
Rest in Peace Cousin.





















I find it strange how nothing hurts worse than losing someone you love. If only I found him sooner. Maybe if I had tried harder . . .
No. Nothing could have stopped it. It crept in like a snake and by the time it sunk its fangs into him, the venom started to spread. And then it was too late. He was gone. I couldn't find him anymore. He was lost, and I’m the only one who cares.
His abusive mother didn't care. His deadbeat father who left both of them a long time ago surely didn't care. His dead brother would've cared, but he’s gone now. The kids at school never cared. I was his only friend. The last words he probably ever heard were the names he was patronized with almost everyday.
worthless
dirt
nothing
scum
ugly
emo
gay




His own mother yelled profanity in his face. All while she beat him with an old baseball bat or burning him with her cigar. He made me promise not to tell anyone. I understood that he was afraid, but I still don’t understand why he didn't want it to get better. I guess he took the pain willingly because he knew that he was going to end the pain someday. It was his way of standing up for himself. He didn't know how it would affect me.
The only person that ever tried
Finding Danny.
















Chapter 1



I stood astonished as I witnessed a crowd forming around what I assumed was a fight. Only, one of them wasn't fighting back. The guy throwing punches recklessly was what I pictured a stereotypical jock to look like. He was tall with blonde hair spiked up into a quiff with dark aggressive blue eyes and was flaunting his Varsity Football jacket. The other boy who was gracefully dodging punches looked simply normal. He was lean with golden brown hair and was unusually thin but still had a pretty good build. His eyes ,the color of emeralds, were mesmerizing except for the all the pain and hurt that showed in them.
“Eyes that match mine”. I thought to myself.
I wondered if it was because of the crowd shouting barbaric words at him, or a deeper meaning.

“Come on Brock! Get him!” I heard someone shout. I assumed Blondie, the one throwing punches, was Brock. Brock the Jock, how fitting. My thoughts were interrupted by the most horrific high pitched whistle I had ever heard in my life.

“Brock, What do you think you’re doing?” yelled the whistler.

“Coach, it isn't what it looks like,” Brock stuttered.

“Oh Yeah? Well, it looks like you were trying to beat up the emo kid again. You know, if I was any other teacher you would be suspended?”

“Yeah Coach, I know,” said Brock. “ He was askin’ for it though.”

“Tell me that when you get kicked of the football team!” yelled the coach.

Before leaving, Brock turned around with such speed that no one expected and gave the other boy a slug to the jaw that resulted in a loud smack. The boy fell to the ground moaning.
It was quiet for a moment, then everybody dispersed and went their
separate ways.



I stayed for a minute watching to see if anyone would help that boy. No one did. I cautiously approached the boy as if he were a wounded animal and bent down to his level.
“Are you alright?” I asked slowly, “Do you need help?”
He looked up startled, like he couldn't believe someone had come to help him.
“Yeah, fine,” is all he said.
“You sure don’t look fine, could I maybe help you to the Nurse?”
“You’re new here, I bet you don’t even know where the Nurse’s Office is.”
“Ok, you got me. You just looked like you could used some help. Can I at least get the pleasure of knowing your name?” I asked sweetly. I could see a smile tugging the corners of his mouth.
“Danny. Yours?”
“Alice. It’s nice to meet you, Danny.”





That was the start of our friendship. It was the start of him calling me Wonderland. I called him Goliath due to the fact that he towered over me. He loved to tease me about my height. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder what would've happened if I hadn't helped him that day.

Would I have met him?

Would we still have became friends?

Would I love him?











Chapter 2



“Have you ever noticed how blue the sky really is?”

“I thank you, God, for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees, and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes.”
“Wow. Where did that come from?” I teased.
“Oh come on Wonderland, Is it so hard to believe that I came up with that all by myself?”
“Yes. Yes it is.” I said to him laughing. He playfully nudged me.
“Fine, I heard it from E.E Cummings. I remembered it, because . . . well, it made me feel infinite, and that’s a good thing to feel.”
Then we just laid there all day side by side. In that meadow, under the willow tree, next to the creek, under the blue dream of sky,
we felt infinite.

Nothing felt better than when we were under that willow tree looking up at our blue dream, silently wishing we could fly away together and be free. It gave us hope.
It was the only place he could escape his wretched home and the tormenting prison we attended that people call ‘school’. He would tell me the only thing that made him feel better was seeing me everyday at school, or anywhere for that matter. He said I was his sunshine in the never ending cloudy abyss. But there was one day I didn't go to school.

I woke up to my phone ringing.
“Hello?” I said tiredly.
“Alice? Where are you?” I heard his frantic voice ask quickly.
“ I’m at home. I had a fever and couldn’t come to school today.”
“They did it again,” I could hear the tears in his voice. “ The whole football team this time. I’m at the grocery store payphone near the school. It hurts so bad Ally. It hurts so bad.”
I could hear the desperation and pain in his voice. They went too far this time.
“Hold on Danny, I’ll get there as quick as I can. I promise.”
I got out of the house and started running. I knew cross country would pay off someday because I got to the grocery store in about 6 minutes.
“Danny!” I called out.
“Alice? Alice where are you?”
I stumbled into an alley, where his cries were coming from. I saw his body, crumpled by a dumpster, like he just collapsed there. I could see bruises forming on his face, his legs, his arms, and i would assume his stomach as well. There was blood coming from a gash in his face and a long cut in his leg. It was horrible.
“I’m right here Danny, I’ll always be right here.”
He almost killed himself that day. He thought it was fate that brought him to his injured state and that it was his time to leave the world, and join whatever lies beyond. I don’t even know when he got a pocket knife, but he had one, and he positioned it right above his heart.

“I don’t want to live in a world when all it does is criticizes me for being me.” he told me. “ What is there for me to look forward to in life if the world will just shun me for the rest of it? Maybe I was never meant to live.”
His words broke my heart, and what hurt the most was I could see honesty in his eyes, and he meant every word.
“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and to never stop fighting.” I whispered to him.

“Woah, where’d that come from?” he asked mockingly.

“Oh come on Goliath, Is it so hard to believe that I came up with that all by myself?”

“E.E Cummings?”

“E.E Cummings,” I watched as he slowly put the knife down with uncertainty in his eyes.

“Thanks Wonderland, for finding me.”
“I haven't found you quite yet.”



Chapter 3




“ Don’t cry
Open up your eyes and know
There’s someone else out there that feels this way
I’m singing to you
Cause I know what you’ve been through and now
It’s not so long ago I felt the same,” he sang.

“I love it when you sing. You always seem to sing when you’re happy.”

“I don’t sing because I’m happy, I’m happy because I sing.”



Singing was something he was always so reluctant to do. His mother beat him if she ever heard him sing. She said he reminded her too much of his brother when he sang. She blamed Dillon’s death on Danny. She had inflicted all of her pain and loss onto Danny when she got drunk, which was everyday, and tried to forget about it by getting high.



“Ow!” he hissed. “That stings!”

“Danny, I have to clean it out so it doesn’t get infected.”

“It’s all her fault. What kind of mother does this to her own son. Danny promised that when he turned eighteen it would be me and him against the world. We would escape this Hell we were born into and be free. He lied Ally. He said he would never leave me. He lied,” he cried, “He lied.”

I let him lean into me and wrapped my arms around him. He tears were soaking my shirt but I didn’t care. He needed someone to be there for him ,and as far as I’m concerned I will always be there for him.

“Ally, I think it’s time.”

“No. You’re not leaving me yet. You promised. You promised me that we’d always be together, me and you against the world, remember?”

He chuckled darkly.
“I guess breaking promises run in the family.” he said. “ Who knows, maybe I’ll see Danny wherever, whatever lies beyond.”

It all happened so quickly. He pulled out that same knife that I didn’t know he had and stabbed himself right in the heart like he threatened to do before.
“DANNY!” I screamed in agony.
I held him as he died. Sobbing silently into his shirt.
“Don’t worry Wonderland, “ He cooed wiping away my tears. “Don’t cry. You found me Alice. That’s I’ve ever wanted and I can’t thank you enough.”
“So now that I found you, you’re just gonna leave me?”

“We’ll see each other again. I promise.”

“Don’t make any more promises you can’t keep.” I said. “ I can’t deal with any more heartbreak.”
“How about I make a promise that I can keep.” he sounded weaker by the second.
“ A simple I love you goes a long way.” I whispered him.
“I love you Alice.”
And with that I pressed my lips to his as he drew his final breath.















Dear Danny, or whoever finds this,

You always said it would just be us, forever. I guess I saw this coming, but now it’s just me. You left me and I hate you for it but I still can’t help but love you. I can’t take it anymore. I see you everywhere I turn. Sometimes I feel as if I’m going insane. But love is supposed to be mad. I can’t stand that I will never hear your beautiful voice singing to me, comforting me that you’ll always be there with me, ever again. My only hope, my only prayer, is that whatever lies beyond life, is you.
So I leave my last goodbye’s.

To the man and woman who chose to conceive a child, the result of which was me, when it fit in with their five year plan;

To the teachers who never really cared, no matter what they say;

To my fellow outcasts., who will no doubt receive more abuse upon my passing, as my tormentors will no longer have me to kick around;

To my fellow students who made my life a living nightmare when they should have focused on their education;

To those who never cared, never spoke, probably never knew my name;

To the one true friend, whose caring was the only thing that prevented this from happening sooner;

To the God, if he does exist, who chose to play a cruel, cruel joke on me when he placed me where he did and surrounded me with so many uncaring faces;

To all of you, goodbye.







- Alice

p.s.
And to all of you who care about this letter,
If you see someone hurting, emotionally or physically, help them. Get to know them, be kind to them and you could save a life. Compassion is needed in this messed up world we live in. Hell might as well be empty because all the demons are here. They live and work next to us everyday. Don’t let them corrupt you like they did to Danny.
And with that said, I end my life and hope things will be better. Words become so much more real and meaningful when death accompanies them anyways right?
I’m sure a lot of you cared, just not enough. So I leave to you my last words.
Anything . . . effects everything.