I knew something big was happening when my dad pulled my sister and I out of school a week and a half early. It was Maggie’s freshman year, and my junior year so it wasn’t all that serious if we missed a week or two. On the morning of May 23rd my dad came running down the stairs, which was odd because (considering his size) he hardly ever ran.

“Pack your bags,” he said to me and Maggie, “make sure you pack for cold weather. We’re going back to Alaska.”

I glanced over at Maggie, and she flashed her newly braces-free teeth as a smile spread across her face.

“John, we’re going to see the lights. It’s finally happening again.” she said.

When we were little, my mom made us watch a documentary on the northern lights. I payed attention for about 15 minutes, but eventually the narrators voice put me to sleep. Before I fell asleep, Maggie was sitting about three inches from the tv, mesmerized, and when I woke up she was running around our house spouting out random facts about what she called the “auwowa bowealis”, and ever since then she’s been fixated on them. She watched that documentary about 7 more times until my mom started bringing her home magazines and books about the northern lights. She was just like my mom, and I think mom was glad to have someone interested in the lights like she was.

Three years ago, my dad managed to save enough money to take us up there for a few days. My mom cried when he told her, and I’ve never seen her love him more than she did in that moment. She begged him to let her tell Maggie, and he finally agreed. It was hard to say no to my mom. She ran upstairs while my dad and I waited for the giddy scream that we knew we would hear echoing throughout the house soon enough. Maggie ran down the stairs, jumped into my dad’s arms. She buried her face in his neck and whispered “thank you, daddy” before jumping out of his arms to help mom pack.

The Aurora Borealis was impossibly beautiful, and for the first time I understood why my mom and Maggie loved it so much. It was cold in Alaska. Very cold. I had so many layers on that I could hardly breathe, but I couldn’t seem to care. The sky was alive. It looked as if God was playing with green and blue scarves, twirling them in water that was the color of the night sky. For the first time in a while, I found myself crying out of pure joy. I wiped away the tear, and glanced around at my family. Maggie was sitting up with an unmeasurable amount of wonder in her eyes. I wish I could have captured her in that exact moment. She was so young , but so beautiful already. She looked just like my mom. Her blonde wavy hair that she never brushed fell towards the ground as she looked up into the sky, revealing a face full of freckles that seemed to mirror the stars. I inherited my dad’s dark hair that looked impossibly messy, no matter how often I got it cut. We were both a staggering 6’ 3”, and I was still growing. I also got his eyes. Well... kinda. I was born with one brown eye (which was the exact shade of my fathers) and one green eye, which was only slightly paler than my moms. Heterochromia, I believe they call it. Chicks dig it. Thankfully, however, I hadn’t yet developed his gut.

I glanced around to find my mom. She was sprawled out on the ground with tears streaming down either side of her face, not bothering to wipe them away. I’ve never seen her smile like that before. For a second, I wondered if it was even for the lights at all. Instead, I think she was mostly happy to be sharing this moment with us. She was holding my fathers hand, and I watched her lean into him and whisper.
“Thank you, Paul. This is unbelievable. I honestly never thought I would get to do this. Just being here with you and the kids… it means more to me than you could ever know. I love you. Always” and she kissed him on the cheek.

A few months after that, we lost her. Our mom was on her way home from work, walking to her car, when she was clipped by a van in a hit and run. A man named Henry O’Neil saw the accident and fought to keep her alive but she was in so much pain, and her body couldn’t handle it. I remember my father thanking him over and over.

He just kept saying “You did your best. You were all she had. You did your best. There was nothing you could do to stop this.” To this day I can’t tell if he was trying to convince Henry, or himself.

Things were bad after that, for a while. We were all quiet for so long. It seemed like years passed before Maggie said one word to me. I could hear her at night though, talking to an empty room and praying that my mom was out there, somewhere, listening to her. It broke my heart.
My dad let himself go entirely. He gained a lot of weight, and with the extra pounds came health issues. One day I just lost it. I came home from school and he was sitting on the couch surrounded by pill bottles that contained his various medications. He was sleeping, as usual, and wasting the entire day.

“Get up. Now. Get up, dad” I screamed, “Do you not realize how selfish you’re being? We just lost mom and you’re sitting here, wasting away on the couch right before our eyes. Do you want to be alive long enough to watch Maggie and I grow up? We will, regardless of how you decide to treat yourself, but it would be nice to have you around. Get up, grow up, and quit being selfish.”

It was cruel, I know. I couldn’t believe those words had come out of my mouth, but it worked. He cleaned his act up. He stopped sleeping all day, only took the medicine he needed, and he went back to work. Somehow, things became normal. Well, as normal as they could ever be. Nothing was easy without my mom, but we got by and we loved each other more and more each day.

Maggie started to whine about going back to see the lights around this time last year. She wanted us to go and pay homage to mom, but dad couldn’t afford it. He was still getting back on his feet and a spontaneous trip to Alaska was the last thing he needed. She talked about it every day, and almost gave up hope of ever going. Until today.

I hadn’t seen this excitement in her eyes since that night. For a second, she looked just like my mom and I forgot that she was gone. Maggie and I went to pack, and we both ended up throwing things in our suitcases, not even bothering to fold our clothes. My dad laughed at our half-assed packing job as we were walking out the door.

“Excited?” he asked.

“Um, duh.” I said in unison with my sister.

I could tell my dad was excited, but we all knew there was something missing this time.

“Dad, you know mom is watching us right now knowing she couldn’t have picked a better man to raise her children. We all miss her. There’s really no better way to feel her than to go back to where she was most alive. Thank you, dad. This is perfect.”

He put his arm around me and squeezed my shoulder as we got into the cab. I could tell he was crying, but for the first time in forever it wasn’t because of anything but pure happiness.