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It's okay

Her scars were peaking out from behind her bracelets. I sighed. “That’s how it always starts with you.” I said to her letting go of her wrist that I was gripping tightly. “I’m fine, I promise” she told me in a mean tone. I let it go. I knew she had been a little on edge for a while. I didn’t want to push her any closer. I can remember that was the last time I truly talked to her, just me and her. The last time I talked to my best friend I hadn’t even said goodbye before I walked away in a huff of anger.

The next time we were even near each other was a getaway weekend with some friends. We drove to a motel a few towns over and had so much fun. She told us about her new boyfriend and we were all happy for her. (Even if we were all a little bit crushing on the guy that asked her.) I even noticed her scars were fading. She was honestly excited. I decided that even if she had stopped talking to me, it was good that she found someone to make her better. I hadn’t been able to, but he might. Him and her new friends that came with him.

A few weeks later I noticed in a mutual class that her scars were back. Her sleeve had come up slightly when she raised her hand for attendance. Her wrists were slightly redder than usual and there were some new cuts. I couldn’t concentrate the entire class. I kept thinking about her stained red wrists. I cornered her in the hall after the class and asked if she was okay. She smirked and said, “Why do you care anyway?” I frowned. She pushed me out of way as she added, “It’s not like I’d tell you anyway.” That was it for me. I tried to follow her. I yelled her name down the hallways, but somehow I lost her in the crowd.

It had been months since the last time I truly talked to my best friend. I was home alone because my sister had a swim meet and I didn’t feel well. I was sitting in room listening to music trying to get some sleep, when I heard a knock on the door to my room. I opened it and saw my best friend standing there. I wasn’t surprised (I remember giving her a key to my house back when we were close, and never bothered to ask for it back). She looked pale and skinny. I asked if she had eaten recently. “Not a bite.” She replied sadly. I looked deep into her blue eyes and frowned. She began to cry softly, then more until she was sobbing in a heap on my bed. I sat next to her and asked what was wrong. Between sobs I managed to make out her saying, “I’m sorry.” I told her it was okay and that she was forgiven. She regained her composure just long enough to say, “I’m sorry I was mean to you. I should never have...No, I need to...Please forgive me.” I smiled and said again, “I forgive you, it’s okay.” She responded with, “Will you forgive me for everything that made you sad or angry or everything that will in the future?” I gave her a puzzling look and said,”Uh, sure, and why?” She started to sob again and took my hand. She pulled me over to my window. I saw her car parked next to mine in the driveway. It was still running. I looked over at her and she was still sobbing. She pulled my hand and we walked down my stairs and out my front door. Her car was running and she was sitting inside. But she was holding my hand wasn’t she? No, she wasn’t. She was sitting in the car with an empty bottle of pills next to her and a note. I ripped the note off of the seat next to her and read it as fast as I could.

Hey. Look I’m really sorry for how I’ve been treating you. I know I shouldn’t have but I thought maybe “they” would like me better if I did. I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have been such a...jerk. I know that I hurt you. Please don’t cry. I’m better now. Now I don’t have to please anyone and now...I can’t hurt you. I’m in a place I’ve wanted to be in for a long time. Goodbye. P.S. Mom when you read this please try to understand.

I froze. The limp, lifeless body of my best friend lay in the drivers seat of her car parked in my driveway. She had taken the entire bottle of pills. I assumed at least. I started to cry, but slowly in a more...mature way. I remembered, then, the person behind me. I turned and noticed she was more translucent. She was I now knew. My best friend’s ghost. She was still sobbing but she managed to say, “I just wanted to tell you before I left.” Then she disappeared.




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