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Winter {part 2}

I gave a whole new meaning to the word “winter” .Since last year you and I have gotten married, and have had 2 boys. Things have changed for the better. You haven’t gone back to the front lines of that awful, dreadful war zone. We have grown even closer the past year. You have been there for me, and mostly the boys. They look up to you, you know. Everyday you meet me with a warm, safe, loving hug and smile. I love those moments. We have finally gotten to a place that we are comfortable. But we know all too much that getting comfortable isn’t always a good thing. And other times it is. I love to sit by the lake shore and watch you teach the boys how to fish. The smiles on your faces give me the best view of life. You show that you can not only be part of the army but a strong family man that doesn’t want to miss anything in his family’s lives any longer. We have finally become the family we always wanted to be. And those are the things that I find strength in all day long when you’re gone. Those are the moments that I love to fall asleep to late in the night when you’re gone. Those are he moments that both of us hold close to us and will never soon forget.


There’s always the chance that you could get called up yet again. When ever that idea crosses my mind, you hold me close and tell me once more that you are here to stay. Tears filled my eyes again. As I knew all to well of what that meant. You thought that you wouldn’t have to go back, but the odds were stacked up against you. And truth be told you weren’t ready to leave again. And I should know, because I was the one to stir you from your terrifying nightmares. Every night you awoke in a cold sweat and a horrible shiver. As you explained to me the nightmare of the war, I tried to understand. But no matter how hard I try I will never understand what you went through over there. So I listened as you talked. Other nights I climb into bed alone and worried. It was those moments those nights that I wondered if you were coming home, or if I was going to wake up to you or a letter saying you had to leave again. Leaving me worried all night long. And the kids, they know what’s going on. I never tell them the truth though. But inside I want to say to them that they should be very proud of their father. But I know that they are anyway. I’m forced to cover up my tears everyday. Everyday! It takes a toll on me for the worst. Feeling helpless. But I stood strong as so did you, side by side we stood strong together. Night after night you would hold me close and tell me that you were here to stay. But we both new that line was getting old. That we couldn’t keep telling ourselves that, time was running short. And there was nothing we could do about it. Just to love on another was enough for the time being.


My fear one day eventually came true. This time you not only left me but your two little boys. You said that you had to leave and wouldn’t come back until god knows when. Again I was heartbroken this time it seemed that it was twenty times worse though because our little boys didn’t know why you were leaving. The two boys loved you so much that it absolutely broke their hearts to see their father, hero, and best friend walk out that door. The night before you left I asked you why you were doing this once more yet again. You said with out looking me right in the eyes that you felt that you had to do it. You wanted your country’s respect and honor. That night we sat in the back of the house watching the fire die. We talked for at least 3 hours on what was going to become of our new future. We shared our last couple of special moments, and memories together that year, that moment. I leaned against you feeling your warm heartbeat against me. Then I cried once more, for fear of losing you again. That moment will get me through the tough days. It’s what I love to fall asleep to very night. Because it’s just you, I, and the kids, nothing else matters. Nothing in the world.


A week after Christmas you left for the horrible war again. As the days slowly passed, they grew duller and duller. The boy’s weren’t the same anymore either. Eventually I had to tell them the truth. Now Everyday they ask me when you’re coming home. And everyday I have to tell them I don’t know. They ask if you’re going to call or write them a letter. And everyday I tell them I don’t know. I have to keep standing strong for myself, the boys, and for you. I still am forced to hide my tears before night. The pain is like no other. It hurts like you wouldn’t believe. No one can compare to this except the people that have went through the same thing. Knowing that your loved one is somewhere dangerous, and that there is nothing that you can do about it. They are your better half, and they are in danger. That they might die alone in pain, with you not there to holding their hand, and to tell them how much you love them. That’s my biggest fear of all. The kids worry about you too. Questions pop up everyday such as: “What’s dad doing right now?” “When is dad coming home?” “Can dad hear my prayers?” and so forth. And sometimes: “I hope dad is okay.” Or “I love dad a whole lot.” Those are the moments that break my heart.


The day of Christmas Eve you rang the doorbell. I slowly answered it, because I had seen the army truck parked outside and feared the worst. To my complete shock there was no one there at first, and then you appeared out of thin air. I started crying at the sight of you, and the boys came running at full speed. You crouched down to embrace the ones that you had been dying to have again. After about a full 5 minutes you told them that you had to give me something. I looked at you with confusion. You simply smiled at me and then leaned in close to give me the biggest best kiss I had ever gotten from you. And I promise you that fireworks had went off at that moment. Then you looked at me with those magnificent blue eyes and held me close and told me that you quit the military for good. But you have to be still involved with the troops, so you had enrolled in the military training camp but it was here in the state. And I was completely fine with that as long as I had you and my boys that was the only thing that finely mattered. I had the family that I always wanted, and so did you. But now we know the getting comfortable is no longer a bad thing. Because you will always be here for your family. And that was the best Christmas present any of us could ever get. And you have the respect, and honor of your country. But that doesn’t really matter to you anymore, because you have the love, respect, proudest family of all time. That year was one of the hardest we have ever been through. But when I fall asleep now it’s the only thing I think of, and dream of. I could have not asked for more. You’ve always said that some one was watching over us, and I never really believed you until now. Because right here right now this moment is where I want to be in for ever. But We all have move on to bigger and better things in life. I only wish that every family could feel this like we did that year. We truly got our Christmas present that year. It was getting a chance to be an actual family again.





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KarianaGold said...
Dec. 6, 2009 at 4:04 pm
love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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