Love is Void

December 6, 2013
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It bothered me for days when I learned you'd be returning. To be honest, when you left I rejoiced. I know it's wrong- very wrong- that I didn't cry or at least feel some kind of sympathy that you left with no thoughts on coming back; isn't that what a good girlfriend does when her boyfriend leaves? She cries. She goes in her room, locks her door, throws herself - rather dramatically- on her bed and cries into oblivion. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to do that, but instead I was relieved. After all, I was madly in love with you.

I know it doesn't make sense to you. If I was in love with you, why would I be relieved, right? I know that is what you're wondering. You're probably pounding your brain to decipher the reasons of my peculiar actions. Well don't. No matter how hard you try, you just won't understand. Love isn't all what the media proclaims it to be. They describe it as this warm, heated, fuzzy feeling that grabs you unexpectedly and sends you into a world of happiness and laughter; but they're wrong. Love is scary. Love is wanting someone so much that it hurts, and you stay up late for hours wondering if they love you back. Love is daydreaming of possible futures together, just knowing that it would be so amazing if it turned out that way, and then realizing many terrible things could happen to destroy it. There could be a car wreck, someone could get drafted, a hurricane, or a tornado, or even worse - someone could cheat. Love is not happiness and laughter. Love involves worry and fear;love is scary.

What scared me the most is that I knew I was in love with you. I knew that everytime you smiled or laughed my heart would just burst into a full marathon. I loved you so much that I didn't even have to be near you to know how you were feeling. When you broke your arm, I knew it. Of course I didn't know at the time that your arm was broken, I just knew you were hurt. I could feel it. And when you got the part of Romeo in the school play, I knew that too. I felt your happiness.When you kissed me for the first time, I felt something different. I felt all of my happy emotions at once: passion, joy, intamcy, and love. It was such an amazing feeling. My counselor told me that a first love would be a scary thing, but this was terrifying.

I was scared. So scared. Of course when I was with you the fear would disappear. I wasn't scared to hold your hand, or to hug you in public, and of course kissing you was never a bad thing. It was just everytime I was alone that the fear would return. It would return in waves that crashed against the shores of my brain like a huge tide; and I wasn't experienced enough to properly surf it. I would be reminded of past break ups and the fear would return. I felt as if seperation was inevitable. That no matter who you fall in love with that person would leave you. That love was only for storybooks and people with straight teeth and perfect hair. When you told me you were moving away because your parents were getting a divorce and you had to leave with your mom,it proved my theory. There I was madly in love with you and you were leaving. Of course you couldn't help the fact that your parents were splitting up. But all it did was help me. It proved to me that families never stay together. It was my warning to stay away. I knew that I really should stay away from you so I wouldn't fall even more in love. I admit it, I was a coward. I admit that I still am.

If it makes you feel any better, I never stopped loving you. When you left, yes I was relieved, but I actually fell deeper in love with you. I fell in love with the memories. I was satisfied with the memories and wanted nothing more. I decided after that never to date again. I didn't want to fall in love with anyone else. I hated the sense of fear, and the false doses of hope. I ran away from the love. I was rather good at it, too. I navigated from boy to boy, filling their minds with false promises and then kicking them to the curb days later. I gained quite a repitation. Not a good one, of course , but at least it kept the boys away. The less love the better. It was just that bad.

I wasn't expecting you to return. I was satisfied with being alone. Now that you're back I just know my old feelings are going to come crashing back. I know that you're going to hear rumors of me. Some that are true, some that are dramatized, some that are just outrageous lies. What will you think of me? Will you look into my eyes and see the old me, or will you see something different? Will you hate me for changing? For running away from love? And what's even worse is that I want you to look into my eyes and still say that you love me. I want you to tell me that I have nothing to fear and that everything will be okay. That you returned for me. That I ran away for nothing. I want you to look into my eyes and kiss me under the moonlight while fireworks go off in the distance. I want you to pick me up and spin me around while I laugh like a giddy schoolgirl.

But this is the twenty-first century. Love is for storybooks. And you didn't return for me, did you? No, of course not. That is why your return bothered me; for a split second, I had the hope that when letting my little birdy go , he finally had returned, and it was truly meant to be. Sadly, for the third time my theory was proven. Love will never last. Not even if your caged bird returns, not even if you still are madly, deeply in love.

I wanted you to see me walking down the street, call my name, run up to me, and kiss me passionately. But instead, you waved from your front porch, and I had to gain the courage to walk up to you and speak. You told me that you decided to live with your dad. You and your mom had a falling out and she said she just couldn't take it anymore. It seems we both had changed. I asked if you wanted to catch up sometime,and you said yes.What's even worse is what you said afterwards.You said you'd love if I met your girlfriend.With that one sentence my world completely ended and my heart turned to stone. Before, all I felt was fear. I felt fear from loving you. But that one sentence stirred something new. It gave me a new emotion. It gave me nothing. I felt no love or pain. I felt nothing. I was completely void. I painfully agreed to meet her some time and that was the last time I felt any emotion. As I turned and walked away from your porch, so did the memories and all my love for you. For a split second, I was wishing you'd call me back and tell me that your girlfriend was a just lie and that you're still in love with me.
But that's just not going to happen, is it?

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