The path in front of me felt like an eternity. I didn't feel like I was getting any closer. Maybe I didn't want to be. Then I was there, in front of her casket. I stared, the roses useless in my hand. I felt my eyes grow hot and one tear fell. That was all I was going to allow. Dad cleared his throat behind me. I set the roses on her coffin and walked out of the room.
The funeral started in an hour. The coordinator thought the family might want some time to grieve before the hoards of people arrived. Everything was ready as far as I could tell. Dad came out of the room. His eyes were red.
“I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”
“You didn’t. Where’s Mom?” I asked.
“She’s on her way, had to take care of a few things.”
I rolled my eyes. “Naturally.”
“You could go back in there. We still have time before it all starts.” I shrugged. “Yeah, I figured.” He said.
I nodded and went outside. I needed to think, get some fresh air. It amazed me that even after four years I could still find my way around this town as though it were yesterday. I walked to the park. I remembered the swing set that Lana and I had played with as kids. I took her here so she wouldn’t have to hear Mom and Dad scream at each other. I would always push Lana in the left swing then sit in the right and watch her laugh as she rose higher and higher in the air. She always said that if she could just get high enough, she would fly out of the swing and into the sky.
As I approached the swing set, I noticed Lana’s wasn’t empty. In it sat a small girl with bright red hair. She looked about Lana’s age. She was crying.
“Are you alright?” I asked. Her head jerked up and she quickly wiped the tears from her face.
“Yes, I’m fine thank you.” Her voice was what you’d expect it to be; small, shy, and afraid. She looked at the ground and after a minute she said, “Actually, no. I’m not.”
“I guess it’s kind of a rhetorical question anyway. See a girl crying, it’s pretty obvious she’s not having the best day of her life.” She let out a small chuckle.
“You could say that.”
“Care to talk about it?” I asked.
“It’s kind of a long story…” I shrugged. “My roommate’s funeral is today.” I exhaled.
“You’re Penny.” She looked at me. “I’m Lana’s brother.” I explained.
“David.” I nodded. “I wondered why you were wearing a suit.”
“Normally I’d wear my Class A’s, but Lana always said I look pretentious in them. So I figured she’d want me to wear my regular suit.” I said. She softly laughed.
“Lana would.”
It was weird, talking to Penny. Like an insight into Lana’s life away from home. I wondered if she knew. I shook the thought away. Not the time. Penny then fell silent. I knew what she wanted to ask me.
“So… When… I mean, when was-?”
“The last time I spoke to her?” She nodded carefully. “That night… We talked on the phone. We hung up at 6:18pm.”
“Ten minutes?” She asked. “So you were… I mean you were probably-”
“As far as I know, I was the last one to speak to her.” I said. We sat silent for a while before Penny asked the one question I did not want to answer.
“What did you talk about? What was the last thing you said to her?”
“I told her I loved her. That was the last thing.” I said, avoiding the first question. She nodded. We stopped talking after that. We just sat there on the swings, taking in the reality of it all. I looked at my watch. The funeral started in half an hour. Which meant people would start arriving soon. Why someone would be early to a funeral was beyond me. It’s not like Lana was going anywhere.
Penny and I walked back to the funeral home together. She cried, but silently. I pretended not to notice the tears. I imagined that’s what she wanted anyway.
The funeral started. My parents gave a well-rehearsed speech about how she died so young but she’s in our hearts and her spirit lives on even though her body does not. It was a well-delivered speech. They both cried. I couldn’t seem to get past the cliché of it. They didn’t talk about Lana’s life or the things that made her unique. They didn’t talk about how her existence made a single difference in this world. They didn’t talk about the impression her life left on the people around. They talked about her death, nothing more.
When they finished, Penny walked up to the front. Her hands were trembling. Yet there was a determination in her face that could not be ignored.
“There was this one day when Lana and I drove to the beach. It took us four hours to get there and when we finally arrived it started raining. We waited a little while under this gazebo hoping the rain would stop. We waited an hour for it to let up and it never did. When I started to complain about the day being a waste Lana dragged me to the edge of the water. Within minutes we were both completely soaked but we just sat there on the shore watching the waves crash down. It was like, in that moment we weren’t experiencing the beach, we were a part of it. We weren’t swimming or sunbathing or doing any of the things we came there to do. We just… Were. When Lana and I got back to the car she looked right at me and said, ‘No day is ever a waste. The world is complicated and unpredictable. If we don’t take advantage of the surprises then the only waste is us.’
“Lana was the best person I ever knew. I don’t say that because she’s gone, I say it because it’s true. She was the kind of person that could see beauty and joy in anything; the kind of person who will sit on a beach in the pouring rain. Lana was the kind of person who wasn’t ashamed of who she was. She was smart and funny and enchanting. Lana was gift. Not just to me but to all of us. Lana taught me not to waste a single day, but rather to see a different side to the things that don’t go according to plan. Lana’s death is unexpected and painful. But she left behind her beauty and happiness. If we don’t allow these things in our lives we aren’t just shaming her death, we’re shaming her life; by ignoring everything she stood for. Lana’s death is excruciating. But she wouldn’t want us to dwell. So today, while I mourn the loss of my roommate and best friend, I urge you to join me in celebrating her life. By doing this we ensure that Lana’s life will never have been a waste.”
Over the next hour Lana’s friends shared stories. Most of them were funny. It showed the side of Lana that most people knew. Lana was fun. She liked to entertain people, make them laugh. Lana was happy and outgoing and crazy. The side that most people knew of Lana was this; she was perfect. She had no fears or insecurities. She never compromised herself for anything. She was honest with herself no matter what.
But it was a lie. Lana did have fears. Lana was scared just like everyone else. Everyone put Lana up on a pedestal because they only saw what she showed them. She never let herself be vulnerable to anyone. Then, twenty minutes before her life came to an end, she opened up. She let herself be scared for just one moment. Lana and I talked on the phone for no more than five minutes. And in those minutes I got to know my sister better than I had in my entire life. I realized then when Lana opened up, it wasn’t her being weak. By letting someone else in, she was being stronger than any mask she had ever put on. Lana was a real person. And her friends and family deserved to know the real her. I walked to the front. The room grew silent.
“In the army, you’re taught to put your fellow soldiers before yourself. When you’re out there in the field or in the middle of a battle, your comrades are top priority. You can forget about yourself because you know that they’ve got your back as well. You don’t have to be afraid for yourself because it’s always the guy next to you that you have to worry about. It makes it a lot easier to be strong or brave when it’s someone else is on the line.
“Lana wasn’t in the army. She never fought in a war or even trained to do so. But Lana’s attitude towards others was that of self-sacrifice. As I’m sure all of you know, Lana was always there for a friend in need, forgetting her own agenda to help the people she cared about. I love this about my sister. There was never any denying her selflessness. But, I’ve realized that in helping others’, Lana’s own needs got swept under the rug. She remained strong for everyone around her and forgot that being vulnerable, while incredibly inconvenient in battle, is sometimes necessary in life. She always helped and never asked for it in return, even when she needed it most. It’s easy to live your life without thinking about the people around you. I think a lot of us are scared that if we don’t worry about ourselves then no one will; a valid fear. But what happened to Lana is that she was always putting the guy next to her first but no one was doing that for her. I’ve known Lana her entire life and recent events have made me realize I don’t know her at all. Lana was so busy being strong for us; we never saw her vulnerable side. We never let her lean on us for once. All of us know one side to a very complex girl and she died before we could get to know the rest of her. A person isn’t just strong or weak. Confident or insecure. Brave or afraid.
Lana showed us the best of her, thinking we wouldn’t love her if we knew she was scared just like the rest of us. Lana called me the night she died. We talked for a few minutes and less than half an hour later she was hit by that drunk driver. In the time that we talked Lana told me something she never told anyone else because she never got the chance to.” I paused. It was this moment. I could pretend it never happened, and shame everything Lana stood for. Or I could tell these people the truth. I could do what Lana wanted to but never got the chance. I took a deep breath.
“My sister told me that was gay. She told me she had never told anyone because she was afraid. My telling you this is not about whether you believe it’s right or not. It’s not about religion or politics, but about a girl. A wonderful girl that we all love. You all know my sister to be strong and confident but she was just like the rest of us. Afraid. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of being rejected. Afraid of disappointing any of you. We leaned on Lana for so long we never even asked who she was leaning on. Who was supporting Lana in the end? It shames me that I can go overseas to a hostile area and fight for my country but I couldn’t fight for my own sister. Lana was real. She was strong but she had weakness. She was so brave but she had fear. If we really are to honor her memory they we need to honor all of it. Not just the good parts, the parts that make us comfortable, but her limitations as well. Don’t be angry at Lana; don’t feel like she wasn’t honest with you. In the end, she was doing it all for us, because she didn’t want her needs to take over the needs of others. She sacrificed her happiness for all of us. Now let’s give it back to her by remembering what she died doing. Putting other’s in front of herself. Don’t let her suffering have been in vain. Don’t let her life have been for nothing. Remember Lana. Remember all of her; the girl who loved without limits and gave without regrets. Then maybe… Just maybe… If we remember well enough, her life won’t ever completely fade.