Tell Me the Story of the Sun and the Moon

June 21, 2013
By mxckingbird SILVER, Missouri City, Texas
mxckingbird SILVER, Missouri City, Texas
8 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"People run from rain but sit in bathtubs full of water." -Charles Bukowski

Basking in an illuminating glow, she awaited his arrival. A woman of two faces, one always alluring and enticing; the other unseen, illusive and somber; she waits. Countless weary nights, she dreams of their eternal love, earning the fire of their forbidden reuniting. A timeless beauty, shining like the nebulas of stars in the lurid night sky, she remains dormant for the world to see. Hypnotizing every admirer and glancing bystander with her shapely figure, and lambent features. But she only waits for him.
He radiates like the heavens and lands beyond our small world. His incandescent smile and exuding flares of pure light are positively blinding to the human eye, but not to her. He is the fire and she is the oxygen that fuels the burning flames. Every night, he dies for his beloved, only to let her breathe. He falls, only to assure that she may rise again.
They will never meet, nor will they suffer in solitude. He is the sun, lustrously shining in the daylight and birthing the beauty that is the moon.
Fluttering lashes and dreams of the untold stories of their love float through the mind as willingly as the air she breathes; the air the moon breathes; in all its glorified straight from the mouth of the sun, the air he lost to give her life. Awake and dazed with a tenuous haze, she rises from the deep slumber in which she was cemented. She untucks her petite chin out of its nested position in her arms. A glance across the classroom and there he is… her sun, but if only she was his moon. Butterflies beat their precious wings within the depths of her stomach as her eyes fix on his perfectly chiseled features. Again she is in her own utopia, dreaming of their delusive love. This is her story… of the sun and the moon.

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This article has 7 comments.

on Sep. 28 2014 at 10:06 pm
Creative-Writer BRONZE, Mesa, Arizona
4 articles 0 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
We know what we are, but know not what we may be. -William Shakespeare

Your work is exellent!  Brilliant! Marvelous! I could keep going with words to describe this writing, but I honestly don't think there are enough words.  This piece is touching, and I understood exactly what you meant.  And Honestly, I can realate personally...(shh)  Lol.  But seriously...I enjoyed reading this very much. Please..PLEASE keep writing!

on Sep. 22 2014 at 6:41 pm
AutumnMoon BRONZE, Lebanon, Maine
3 articles 0 photos 23 comments

Favorite Quote:
"We see our better selves in the eyes of those who love us." -Cassandra Clare

This is truly amazing. I love the metaphor behind this story. The longing is felt throughout and I've noticed with all of your pieces that I have read so far, you are very good at using emotions to hold the reader's attention. Wonderful! 5/5

on Sep. 22 2014 at 11:16 am
mxckingbird SILVER, Missouri City, Texas
8 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"People run from rain but sit in bathtubs full of water." -Charles Bukowski

Oh my gosh, your comments on all my pieces really made my day thank you so much! In this story, I was trying to have the girl imagining the "perfect" love of two people who people who can never be together, but in reality, the guy she loves does not live her in return. Thank you for asking questions and giving me feedback, it really does make me a better writer. :)

on Sep. 22 2014 at 4:52 am
Extraterrestrial SILVER, Singapore, Other
9 articles 4 photos 66 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Do what I do. Hold tight and pretend it's a plan!"

This is painful. As in, reading this story almost physically hurts me. I mean that as a compliment, because what you have here is positively heart-rending. There are already so many stories about lovers who can't be together, or even stories about the Sun and Moon unable to be with each other because they lead such vastly different lives. However, your descriptions and writing style in general gives this an air of originality. There is such vivid sorrow from their separation but also a sense of... quiet resignation, because they know they'll never be together. You've managed to juxtapose these two warring emotions so beautifully. This line -- "...he falls, only to assure that she may rise again" -- this line killed me. I just have one question, though. It's clear that the Moon loves the Sun, and from this line: "Every night, he dies for his beloved", it is shown that the Sun reciprocates the Moon's feelings. However, this line: "...her sun, but if only she was his moon" makes me doubt the Sun's love for the Moon... isn't she already his moon, if they both love one another?

kamkit BRONZE said...
on Jul. 22 2014 at 11:18 pm
kamkit BRONZE, Ventura, California
4 articles 1 photo 22 comments
Sorry this review is pretty late, but I still want to commend you on this great piece. The only thing that really holds this work together is the figurative language, and you excelled at keeping my attention and linking everything together so that it flowed. There were a few technical hiccups which could be fixed by just another read-through, but I loved the idea and switching from pure figurative to a mix of it with reality. Loved the comparison, loved the piece. :)

on Jul. 13 2014 at 11:01 pm
Liv.Harris ELITE, Dardenne Prairie, Missouri
317 articles 10 photos 1155 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Let me glimpse inside your velvet bones." - Edgar Allan Poe

This is very good! I love this story. :) 5/5!

on May. 6 2014 at 11:01 am
WOWriting SILVER, Broadstairs, Other
5 articles 0 photos 266 comments
This is really great, very well described and really convincing and heartfelt. However, sometimes it can seem a bit too full on with all the adjectives and intense vocab and some sentences are too long and just don't make sense. One minute, she's waiting for her sun and the next she's dozing and it doesn't make sense that she's 'awake and dazed with a tenuous haze, she rises from the deep slumber' because how can she be awake and then rise from being asleep? Other than that, i really like it and can see how passionate it is :) could u please check out my poem, sometimes in return?


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