Dear Doctor

June 10, 2013
Dear Doctor,

You’ve asked me to write to you about my problem before our first meeting, so here it is. Some people say its silly, and that I’m over dramatic, and that I’ll grow out of it, but I can’t wait that long. You see doctor, I have a very long list of phobias. Right now in english, we’re learning about strange phobias. When I saw this list, I realized that I’m scared of every single thing! Here’s the list:

Alekotorophobia: The fear of chickens
Chickens know we eat them. Last night, you ate the brother of a chicken. And the living brother is out on some farm somewhere. And he’s angry. Real angry.

Anthrophobia: The fear of flowers
I mean, there are just so many! Everywhere! What happens when they overpopulate and drown us all? Or when they grow arms and legs and start beating up the little children and florists that pick them to make nice gifts for their mothers?

Arachibutyrophobia: The fear of peanut butter being stuck to the root of the mouth
Peanut butter is definitely the worlds most fatal snack. My friend told me that once somebody ate so much peanut butter that their mouth got too sticky and stuck together permanently; There was a surgical procedure to help that poor girl talk again. I also heard from my best friend who heard from their cousin who heard from their neighbor who heard from their boss who heard from their desk neighbor who heard from the news that some mans tongue was stuck to the top of their mouth because of all the peanut butter they ate and they had to learn to talk with their tongue stuck to the top of their mouth. So when I visit your office, please keep the PB&J’s away from me.

Deipnophobia: The fear of dinner conversations
Small talk takes large amounts of effort and research. If there was a book to mastering small talk, it’d be like a modern bible. But that’s impossible considering there’s new drama every single day. “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” is impossible.

Geniophobia: The fear of chins
Chins are so odd: they’re pointy, hard, sometimes look like little butts. I just don’t like them. I feel like mine sits on my face intimidating me. It whispers “Go ahead, try to pick up your book bag from the floor, I’d really like to CLASH INTO THE DESK!”

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia: The fear of the number 666
It’s such an odd and scary number. Everytime I say it, I can’t help but say it in a harsh, whispery voice. It’s like it’s the secret code to awaken the deceased, or call alien invaders. I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit.

As you can see doctor, I’m not completely irrational. Most kids fear spiders, the dark, and other things that are very common. My fears aren’t common, nor do they occur very often in my life. But when they do, I run to the hills. Well my bedroom, I can’t run to the hills because of my Pupophobia (The fear of puppets; I couldn’t imagine running high on the hill and seeing the lonely goatherd...Lay-ee-odl-lay-ee-odl-lay BOO HOO).

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Pafjb said...
Jun. 24, 2013 at 11:18 pm
Well thoughtout and very funny.
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