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Blood and Darkness

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Why am I here? Crying with my head on the wall typing on this stupid laptop. I feel so empty. One of those days I guess. Sometimes I wonder if my heart is actually beating and my lungs taking breaths. Why do tears taste like salt water when we drink pure water? I don't understand. I don't understand these feelings circling my mind. Are they circling or running wild? Sadness, despair and anger.






I couldn't breath. The sadness, anger and despair was choking me. I gasped for air as silent tears streamed down my face. I ran. I didn't know where I was running. I had a knife in my hand. It was reassuring. I saw the church and stumbled in, barely keeping my footing. I walked up to the statue of lord Jesus and collapsed in front of him. I prayed a silent pray that he would forgive me. I closed my eyes and kept on breathing. Why did my parents not love me for who I was? I would never know. I lifted my left wrist into view and saw the faint scars of cuts I made before and the cuts I made recently. Some deeper then others. I brought the small, thin blade to my wrist and cut deep into the flesh. Deeper then I had ever cut before. The blood ran out of my flesh in silent red pools. It fascinated me. I watched my bleeding wrist through blurry eyes, watched the red liquid drip off my pale arms onto the tiled step. I put the knife into my now blood covered left hand and cut my other wrist, deeper then the left. It felt good cutting. I felt lighter. I wasn't sure if it was from the loss of blood or the pain that over powered the feelings that were running though my head. I watched as my blood ran over my light skin, watching my veins produce more and more blood that pooled around my fallen body.
The blood stained my once white skinny jeans and dripped onto my light grey baggy skirt, making the tiger a red mess and not the fierce white design it once was. I felt dizzy and swayed from side to side in my seated position and let the knife fall out of my hands and clatter onto the floor, splashing blood around it. The dizziness over took me and made me fall side ways. I put my hand onto the ground to try and hold myself up but I lost to much blood. My hand gave out and I fell onto the floor. Falling into a pool of my own warm blood. The smell of my blood made me feel slightly nauseous or was the feeling only because of the blood loss? I was tired. My eyes started to droop and I let them. It was to much of a struggle holding them up. I breathed slowly and let my heart hammer against my chest to pump blood to my hands that became numb from no blood circulation. I closed my eyes and let myself fall into a light sleep.
I heard large doors creak open and heard the gasp of a priest. His foot steps pounded hard and fast against the hard floors making my head pound. I wanted to tell him to go away but I had no control of my body now and my heart beat was becoming slower. I heard the priest start praying out loud and touched my cold skin on my forehead. His hands were so warm against my skin but felt wrinkly and smelt of old wood. He removed his hands and ran out of the room. I felt myself slip slowly out of my body. It felt good. It felt distant, my human body. I was a mere thread of gods world. A useless and powerless 17 year old girl. I heard the doors open once more and two people ran to my cold, lifeless body. They were speaking urgently to each other then I was being lifted. Lifted off the cold, hard ground, out of the pool of my own blood into the arms of someone warm. I felt my head drop since I couldn't lift or open my eyes. My breathing was getting slower and so was my heart beat. Thud… thud… breath in….out….in…….. Darkness.



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