A new school. Great.
This was the fifth school I have been transferred to in this year, and its only September. The nightmares didn’t end. We are all similar, like red lady bugs out in nature but why am I always treated as if I were from a different species (3). I felt like a bird serving as an appetizer for all of them cats (20). I never had classmates; they were hunters to me. At first, I tried to stand up to them. That was a fail, an epic one. While I felt like a cheetah making her mark, everyone saw me as a mouse against a cat, about to be eaten alive (23 & 27).
I had intense thirst, thirst to learn (17). But they, heartless beings, wouldn’t allow me to sit in peace. Every second I sat in my desk, seemed like my last second alive. My eyes flooding in tears as every word, every punch from them, were bullets digging through my surrounding. Every bullet shot was the one I felt inches from hitting me directly into my body. I sat in my desk, everything around me ruined (19). Sometimes I did wish their words were bullets. Maybe one of them could hit me straight in the heart – then I wouldn’t have to feel further pain.
My biggest wish was to say that there was a school where I did fit in. A school where differences would camouflage with our surroundings, a place where we would all unite is the type of school I dreamt about (12 & 13). In my mind, I saw no difference between them and me. Unfortunately in their eyes, I was just an outsider looking in (1).
My fascination was always landscapes. The more I looked into them, the more I awed. I dreamed about white winter lands where the snow, even though not a person, would keep me company and somehow even warmth (6). A deep blue ocean where I could swim away my problems was also one of my fantasies accompanied by an island so green that it brought life to everything and anything, including me (15 & 10). My fantasy winter land was really just a corner of ice, a place where nothing was covered in gentle snow, but rather frozen with rough ice (2). The reality punched me cruelly, opening my eyes to my real surrounding: nothing but mist around me, mist you couldn’t escape (26). The more you ran, the deeper you got lost in it. Ironic, I was alone in life, everyone against me. But in my fantasies, I was also alone – but happy. My loneliness in life illustrated a person climbing the tallest ice berg without ever reaching the end, while in my fantasy I sat in triumph in the tallest cliff overlooking nothing but beauty (29 & 4).
I knew not to have high hopes in my new school. It actually felt uncomfortable and even undeserving to call it “my” school. This school was nothing different from the rest. The same sensation came from it. I was just a fish trapped in a bowl of water being observed by others (7). They had the power to remove water thus causing me to suffocate.
With all my thoughts running crazy, I didn’t even notice I had made it into the classroom and into my seat. Once I held a secure grasp of my surroundings, it was more than obvious I already had eyes glued on me. I was used to the staring but this was the most intense pair of eyes that looked at me. It seemed like if I was out of this world, like an alien whom they weren’t sure if they should try to communicate with or simply kill disregarding my intentions (8). It is what it is. I was not welcomed here either.
The bell rang. I made it through an hour of having students call me names and even gluing my back to my chair. Luckily my sweater was thick enough to hold the glue from running through my shirt. When I walked out of class I felt like I was walking a plank over water (11). My feet were not proportional which made it harder for me to walk over the water. Tears couldn’t form anymore in my eyes. I wanted to cry, but it was physically impossible for me to tear up any more. It wasn’t my fault I had physical differences and barriers than others, but mentally I was capable of learning as much, or even more than them. They just never gave me a chance. After a while, I didn’t ask for one anymore. Every time my step father tried to bring up an issue with the school, the school found it easier to let me go as a student and wish me luck in another location. Even the principles didn’t want to place effort for me. The more I grabbed on to my dreams of learning the more strength the students and the school pulled them away from me (25).
Slowly this issue took over my home. I don’t blame my stepfather. He had a problem in his hands without having the correct tools to solve it. Everywhere I was, I was in space (22). Everyone shared the same planet but me. The only hope I held tight in my soul, was the one of seeing my mother again. She’s not in this world with me, but I knew if I were patient enough, I would see her again. I still recall the nick names she had for me “bonnet,” “smiles,” and “grasshopper.” With her by my side, I was always a happy grasshopper (9). Personally when my step father called me these names, they meant nothing at all. There was no warmth with his pettiness. I was over it.
The next day in school was the best day for me. The day started like every other day, kids taunting me every passing period and classmates making my class a living hell, normal stuff. The lunch bell rang. Accustomed to eating outside alone, I was making my way to the exit doors by the main stairs, where the buses usually drop off and pick up. From the corner of my eye, I saw a group of students whom are in my math class walking behind me. I didn’t think much of it. My mind was lost in the difficulty of holding by bag and lunch while keeping a spare hand for my cane. As I struggled to sit down on the second step where I had marked it with a white chalk “hope zone,” I felt a knee strike me on my lower back. I fell face first. Immediately I felt blood streaming down my nose and mouth. I saw the bully directly in the eyes as I silently begged for mercy after the first strike. Size wise, I was bigger, but my disability made me weak, unable to ever defend myself. As she moved closer to me all I heard were her friends shouting “finish her!” I laid there, like a beat down dog getting murdered by a smaller cat (24). This wasn’t right. Nothing made sense. I slowly dragged myself inch by inch trying to escape her hands from endangering me even more. It was useless. I wasn’t moving fast enough. Even animals from different families were able to get along, some even work together (5). Some animals are even capable of loving us human beings, so why is it that a human being cannot accept another being? (28).
Laying in the middle of the school’s drive way, there I was. Fully conscience, half paralyzed. Within a second all I saw were two dimmed lights getting bigger. I hadn’t realized they were actually moving close to me. I was done.
I don’t know how much time I was unconscious, but when I woke up I couldn’t help but smile. There I was in my mother’s arms. I perfectly fit in her arms that brought nothing but calmness and joy to me. I knew if I were patient I would soon be with her again. There we were laying under a tree that brought color to us while the rest of the tress were dull brown and live green on top (18). The surrounding was beyond beautiful. Horses playing with their offspring surrounded us with bears accompanying us without causing harm to us (14 & 18). From all my early fantasies this was the best one. Here with my mother, there was no need for mothers to protect their babies; we were all united (21). After appreciating by surrounding, my mother’s tender hands softly massaged my cheek as she cradled me to sleep.