Never Eat Caramel while Wearing Pink Shoelaces

April 28, 2013
Dear Reader,
It is my misfortune to present you with this ridiculous article. The extremely haughty wanna-be writer Errow Gens Hautisaurus threatened all sorts of supposedly terrible things to try to get me to publish his paper for him. I have finally succumbed to his wishes in the hopes that his annoying pestering will cease.
Evelyn Stwordy
Why One Should Never Eat Caramel while Wearing Pink Shoelaces
by Errow Gens Hautisaurus:

“What’s the harm in doing that?” you ask. “It seems safe to me.” Little do you know. In many of my previous (and very successful) essays and articles, I have often mentioned this topic, that of eating caramel while sporting shoelaces of the pink shade. Suffice it to say, it should never be done. Recently, while reading through my abundant fan-mail, I noted numerous requests from my many fans and readers, eagerly begging an article upon this important topic. Always delighted to oblige, I shall do my utmost to satisfy their demands. Many witnesses have already been affected by this problem, but their testimonies are incredulously pushed aside by the media! I shall here show the ignorant world why anyone with common sense can see what folly it is the eat caramel while wearing pink shoelaces!

It is scientifically proved that this phenomenon (that of eating caramel while wearing pink shoelaces, i.e. Caramel Pink Shoelace Problem, also known as Pink Shoelace Caramel Conundrum, or PSCC) can cause confusion and disorder of your brain power and mental capabilities. What happens is this: the Deliciating Field of your Intelligence (DFI) is concentrating on the excellence of the aforesaid pink shoelaces when met with this new thing, caramel. Overwhelmed with pressing items, your DFI panics, crashes, and in some cases is known to shut down completely. It can no longer deliciate the pleasures of life! Scientists are not yet sure whether this nightmarish condition is permanent or temporary; we pray it is the latter. Obviously, this is one of the most terrible misfortunes possible. (It’s worth mentioning that the same tragedy has occasionally occurred with purple shoelaces. Beware.)

To illustrate this transaction, (for not everyone has such a capacity for comprehension as I do) I shall give an example. A young woman, Phoollysh Littleknow, was victimized in the matter already described. Although she had been sternly warned about the dangers of the Caramel Pink Shoelace Problem, Phoolysh heeded not the wisdom disclosed to her and actually scoffed at the careful admonishment! The reckless, rambunctious, irrational Miss Littleknow rashly devoured a square of caramel chocolate while magenta shoelaces graced her sneakers. Disastrous results ensued. Just as had been predicted, her DFI was unable to deliciate itself any longer. Poor Phoollyish could not take any more pleasure from nibbling caramel that it could from mashed potatoes without salt! Neither could it derive more enjoyment from wearing pink shoelaces. “If only I had not succumbed to the temptation of eating caramel chocolate while wearing pink shoelaces!” the devastated Miss Littleknow regretfully exclaimed. “My DFI was crushed under the suppressive power!” It is my dear wish that the stiff-necked reader who was not at first convinced has been brought around by this sobering anecdote.

“What then should we do?” is the question on many panicked people’s lips. “How can we avoid this catastrophe?” Some heartless and inhuman person suggested abandoning caramel. That, as I’m sure you recognize, is inconceivable! Unthinkable! Atrocious! No, that must not be the solution. Others have suggested no longer wearing pink shoelaces, which also seems too cruel a fate. Only my genius has detected what must be the only course of action left open to us: take off the pink shoelaces before indulging the caramel! Yes, I know; it’s brilliant; thank you. Although this suggestion is simple enough, many have scornfully rejected it! “It’s impractical!” they complain. “It takes too long!” My response to them is that if you do not want your DFI destroyed, squished, wrecked, desolated and mushified, you can surely find time to discard for a moment your shoelaces.

Now you know. If you eat caramel and have pink-shoelaces on, your DFI is doomed. Miss Phoolysh Littleknow’s case shows a predicament which all too many people have found themselves in. Among many unsuccessful and unreasonable propositions to elude disaster, I bring forth a new plan! Remove pink shoelaces prior to the caramel consumption! Adopting this stratagem will infallibly prevent many ruined DFIs. Dedicated as I am to the welfare of the human race, I will continue to give my precious energy and efforts to the cause. You can help! Two missions: spread the word, the more people who are aware of the danger, the less occurrences there will be, but the greatest thing you can do, of course, is not eating caramel while you are wearing pink shoelaces!

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