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An empty hole

An Empty Hole










What’s my purpose? Is that a question I will never get an answer to? It’s a question I have been asking myself for the last eight months. It’s so hard to make good of something that is bad. I have repeatedly gone over, over and over again why I’m put on this earth and I can only think of one reason. To inspire people. I want to touch a life. I have been given the opportunity to be able to inspire people with my genuine story. A tragic story I may add, but an honest and real story nonetheless. Bad things happen to good people who can handle it. I have made whoppers of mistakes. I try and bounce back from the little things that have destroyed me. In my mind “true happiness” is based off how much pain you can endure. I think however far down the road you can crash and burn but you can come back from that and achieve anything you’re heart desires. Life is bitter.
Some point during my short 18 years of life I have realized what my purpose is. It may have come from the heart break, or breaking hearts. It could be from the deep scars that yet remain on my skin. At the age of 11 I encountered almost every possible thing to avoid my troubles: Drugs, Alcohol, and self-mutilation of my body as well as my soul. After years of living with this illness, it had finally taken its toll on me mentally and physically. I was crying out for help, even though it seems I didn’t want it. The cutting made me feel protected and comforted. The drinking made me feel numb; the drugs made me feel invincible. I regret it all. I can’t rewind or take back the choices I made. Every tear that fell from my eyes made the lessons that much easier to understand. Then the worst happened, I gave up my will to keep living. I hated everything about this place; the people were cruel and mean. My life was falling apart. I thought this was my way out. There simply was too much corrupt and despair in this world. I didn’t want to live in it anymore.
It happened on a Friday night. It was my second day back to school. Everything seemed to be okay. Was I ever wrong though? It happened at eleven O’clock when I made the hardest decision of my life. I was going to kill myself. I got my journal and I wrote my suicide notes to my family and friends. I made a phone call one last time. Then I got a knife, I got pills and my journey was finally coming to an end. After endless cuts, and bruises all over my body I could feel it. It was a slow but fast pain. I was overdosing and I knew it. I landed myself in the hospital that night. I suffered from a mild seizure, an OD, bleeding, and deep wounds; I was slipping into a state of limbo. How did I survive that? I have not an answer in the world for it. I had three police officers on me for suicide watch. I was not allowed to be alone. I remember hearing the police saying dispatch, “We have a 17yr old girl on watch for suicide…” I was fading in and out of my reality. I remember doctors coming in and out of the room, poking needles into my skin. I don’t remember much but I do know I could not feel my body. I felt like an animal in a cage. I didn’t know what was happening. I lost loved ones, best friends, people I cared about. I thought to myself, “Is this really what my life has come to?” No. It wasn’t, I didn’t want to live in this agony for another minute. Prior to the hospitalization I immediately admitted into rehab. I resided there for thirty days. It was the hardest journey, but I would not regret it for the world. I didn’t realize that I was truly blind, and now I could finally see. I had lived in the dark for so long that I forgot what it was like to live in the light. I got help and now I’m changed. I didn’t think it could help me but I was the one who was wrong. This time around I was going to do the right thing. I have been the strongest I have ever been in my life. It’s been six months and I’m still recovering. Every day is a struggle and a journey. One day at a time. Every day is a new day and a new adventure. Am I feeling good, happy, and healthy? Yes. My own adventure has ups and downs but I have come backs every time. You never know what this world has to offer and you have your whole life to figure it out. I realize that I have been given one life to life and it’s worth living. That is my own life worth living goal. I cannot believe that I have come so far and achieved so much. I’m bullet proof and now I see why. Whenever you have a problem take it and figure it out. Don’t let the bad things take you down because there is so much more out there that is worse. Remember that someone somewhere out there knows how you feel. Someone is going through the exact same thing. Today you have not won this battle nor will you ever take me away again. Depression you are now gone forever and for always.



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blueandorange This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 28, 2013 at 8:58 am
This is something beautiful and haunting.  You have captured the emotion perfectly.  
 
MollyMMorse replied...
Apr. 29, 2013 at 9:26 am
Thank you :)
 
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