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“Hi,” His eyes were sad.
I was quiet for a long time. So was he. We just stared at each other and his eyes grew sadder as the pupils surrounding the blue darted back and forth in mine. I guess I began crying because his thumb came up to my cheek and wiped it away.
I didn’t really understand. I hated myself.
We stood on the street corner. The world was moving around us, paying no mind, but I noticed them anyways.
“I’m—I,” He said.
“I hate myself.” I stated. I closed my eyes real tight to blink the tears away.
His expression changed slightly and I could tell he was trying to know what to say. He was about to, but didn’t.
“Do you…” My eyes flitted to the ground and then back to his face. “Do you know how m—how many panic attacks I’ve had since November 12th?”
“You’re medication,” He said.
I shook my head. My face was crumpling.
“That was three weeks ago, November 12th.”
I wasn’t paying attention. “Twenty-seven.” I looked at him hardly and then bowed my head, wiping at my cheeks furiously. “Twenty-seven attacks.” I mumbled.
I looked up to see his face blank. I was furious. That blank face. Be mad, sad, upset, furious at me. I don’t care. Tell me I’m a screw up. That’s what I needed.
“I’m so sorry.”
That was one thing I didn’t want him to be.
“Me too.” I began to shake, tremble, quiver, and then I turned to walk away, my mitten hands covering my chapped lips. Could God keep in mind to spare me the pain of seeing him?
I didn’t turn around. People jostled their way past me and my head began to ring.
I felt a hand on my arm. I let my hands down and turned to look at him with anger, intensity, frustration, longing, guilt, fear, hatred, love, every emotion ever to be, all in one.
He clutched my shoulders and then pulled me against him, folding me into him. And in that moment I was powerless, and I began to cry again. His hand held tight to my head, weaving through my hair, his own face buried against my shoulder.
I cried into his chest, and he wrapped his coat around my body and nobody noticed us, or everyone did, but I didn’t notice them, and that was finally true.