Allen Reborn

"RISE and SHINE!" Roger had his arms spread out also like Jesus but instead had a smile carved upon his face. It was Saturday already, time for the real retreat to start. Dylan slung his arm around his friend, exposing his large, white fresh teeth in a curvy grin. The day was filled with tiny exercises tagging along our combined groups. Breakfast, lunch and dinner had been provided. But the games were the fun part. By no time, it was already time for dinner. The day's hard work had stirred up quite the appetite especially for the Rank twins, the thought irritated me slightly but I focused on consuming the perfectly constructed homemade pizza before me. The thin slices were like slips of paper with cheese, tomato sauce and meat hastily set on the surface, the only part that mattered, I devoured it in seconds.

Zach's speech turned out to be even more influential and inspirational than before. He preached of his evil and Devilish temptations that tested him prior to becoming a pastor. But first, he started us off with the fable of the evening. Eraticus a young man who had his whole life ahead of him had a heritage that meant everything for his future. But one day he was extremely hungry so he ran into his town's local eat spot and begged for a bowl of soup. Eraticus told the cook if he didn't get something to eat he was going to die. The cook merely cocked a smile, getting an idea to strike a deal with Eraticus. He would have his bowl of soup all he required was the simple trade of his inheritance. At first Eraticus declined but he knew the cook wasn’t budging so he signed the contract. Once he finished the soup he realized how bad he messed up but there was no taking it back now, it was done.

"This fable pertains to our lives perfectly." Zach said, clearing his throat. "In our everyday lives there are multiple instances for us to trade it all for a bowl of soup so to speak. We want to avoid those situations. There are instances in life where we have to stop and think: is this going to affect me permanently?" His words latched onto my skin and didn't let go. The meaning behind them was crystal clear: addictions demanded things in the present without thinking how it might affect your well being in the long run, a hunger that demanded to be fed controlled our lives in their entirety. I knew exactly what he meant, hunger grabbed hold of you like a poison and didn't let go until it was satisfied temporarily. But the thing about hunger is it always came back like a cancer regenerates in cell growth; it would never truly be satisfied forever, I would have traded it all for a bowl of soup.

"And that my friends is how you find your masks." Zach is looking at all of us now. "That addiction, hunger or desire you feel deep inside of you that controls your life ultimately controls you. It's time to let go of the masks. It's time to be whole again."


In a matter of minutes, they had each of us write down our problems in permanent black ink on plastic white masks. Zach's words echoed inside my head as I wrote down the issue: "There is NOTHING special about these plastic masks, in fact they're kind of creepy but still they represent the problems that have existed since the beginning of time and it's about time we recognize their existence so we can exterminate them with extreme prejudice." We line the masks up by the stage in the expansive room, they numbered at least two hundred of the same mask. For we were replicas of the same man and yet we all had different problems, or so I thought.

Next back in our group discussions our group leaders, Roger and Dylan now had solemn expressions strewn onto their faces, I realized now that their smiles that welcomed me in the early morning were their masks. If that wasn't humbling enough what they had us do next was. Roger declared it best for us each to say a confession as we went around the group of nine including the young men that led us. "Before we do that can I say something?" I asked with stuttering ambition.
"Sure Mark, go ahead." Roger spread his palms apart, folding the skin like a napkin, a gesture that gave me all the encouragement I required to go on.
"I just wanted to say that these discussions we have here are so rare," I sighed a heavy sigh, "and so we should cherish them because they are not free. If you want to say something that's on your mind now's the time to do it. I don't know if you guys realize this but without leaders like Roger and Dylan here, these discussions are impossible. I don't know about you guys but we don't just strike up a nice conversation about God and confess our deepest sins." Having said my part, my heart beat was in synch with the drums in the back ground band, encouraging our conversations further.

"You're right," Dylan turned to me but in a lower, deeper voice intended only for me to hear the sliver of advice he uttered, "It's time for you to be a leader."

Starting with Danny, we went around the circle confessing what we thought would be the end of our lives. Surprisingly, the sin we chose to confess was that of the same one. We were all sheep of the same Sheppard, and therefore we had the same sin. Our leaders however, had a different sin to confess being older, more mature and beholding more responsibility. Erik, my friend next to me spoke next. Even though he knew it was the same sin, he couldn’t help from erupting into shameful tears. His eyes were like bursting water balloons under his rectangular-framed basic glasses, which were now drenched with oily tears. With each sob, I become even more speechless, the most composed person I knew was in shambles. Dylan comforted him, rubbing his arms up and down while Erik buried himself in his sleeves, my eyes were wide as the growing moon. "You're turn, Mark." Roger announced.
"Right." I responded showing no sign of inflicted pain on the outside, it appeared only on the inside where no one could see that it was slowly and cautiously tearing me apart.
***

The next morning, Sunday when I arose from my sweat drenched simply white pillow, I felt as if I had truly been born again. I awoke with no stress, I was carefree again, the rocks had been emptied from my heavy pack that dominated my rough life. I had finally put my faith in the cradling arms of someone besides myself for the first time ever. The weight of the world was never meant to be on one man's shoulders. Which meant only good things for me, and to think that all I had to after all this time was put my faith in a higher power, to take a leap of faith into the always open cradling arms of God. I was the jumper bouncing off the trampoline at the base of the building I just dropped from like a fly, for he would always be there to catch me. I was too naive to realize it before but it became crystal clear now, all God asked was to be trusted and I could use someone to trust.
It all came back to me at breakfast when I saw the lobby was crowded with not only our church but returning U.S soldiers as well. I took no notice but when a large jar of candy stood in the opening of the church hall, Jimmy and Jack Rank were drawn to it like bees to a jar of honey. The disappointed army guard unfolded his arms as he smacked their clammy wrists away from the jar.
"That candy is for returning army soldiers so you boys wander off ya hear? SHOO!" He flicked his long fingers at the twins as a signal to back off. But the troublemakers weren’t nearly done.

While the guard's back was turned Jimmy snatched a jolly rancher from the jar, the wrapper crinkling but not nearly loud enough for the uniformed sergeant to hear. Right then and there, something in my mind snapped. All of a sudden, it all made sense now. Dylan's words cycled through my brain in an echo: "It's time for you to be a leader." And I knew exactly what to do to fill that requirement, that set expectation, that golden opportunity was standing right in front of me, in a worn green Michigan State sweatshirt waiting to be seized. And so I seized Jimmy, my one last feudal attempt at redemption, by the collar, getting in his face. My hot steamy breath attacked his cheek. The lack of brushing from the weekend had caught up to us, rotting our teeth with plague and calcium. The stench of rotting teeth filled both our nostrils in a swirl of stench. My bloodshot red eyes full of rage against his ignorant, flickering black, I was inflicting nothing but pure fear.
"Jimmy listen up. You go back to that man, you put that candy back in that pot and you apologize. Do you understand me?" Jimmy instantly nodded like a bobble head basketball player as I let go of my tough grip on his tight collar. His round Adam's apple sunk in the midst as he turned and did as I told. Something had happened just then. For the first time since I could remember, I had stood up for something that I believed in. My mask had been removed, my true identity was exposed. I just hoped that mask, that desire wouldn't find its way back to me again. If it did I would be ready, I was always ready.