I close my eyes, lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling. I used to feel the outside world, now i'm just lost in my own mind. I think and think and think, just trying to find myself. I used to cry, i used to break down and cry until my tears burned my face, until they turned to blood. I would run my finger across the scas on my wrists and remember exactly what each one was a relief of. I would slowly pick myself up out of bed and stumble to the bathroom. There i would try to make myself feel okay again. 1, breath , 2 , cry , 3 , breath , 4 , laugh , 5 , breathe , 6 , stop. After i stopped i would watch the blood and somehow it didn't seem like it was mine. At the same time it was like my problems and my emotions came out with the blood. Now i realize that doing this not only hurts me but my love. So i'm trying to stop. I sit here numb and cold. trying to keep myself safe from myself.
October 27, 2012