Caught Up

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Caught up
“How is she doing?” I asked.
“She’s going to need to stay here for a couple of weeks under observation.” said Dr.Nikoly.
“What’s happened to her?” asked Marie.
“Well it seems she’s had Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia for some time now except it hasn’t started to show signs of development until today’s biopsy.” Dr.Nikoly said.
“Is she going to live?” I asked.
“She has a 0.4% chance of living to be age twenty, and a 0.1% chance of making it to age twenty-five. I’m very sorry to have to be the one to tell you the news, if you need anything else please let me know.”
“She would like to see you now.” said the nurse from Elizabeth’s doorway.

When I walked in and saw her lying on that dreary, dull, puke green hospital bed, I started weeping. How could I have abandoned her like this? I never meant for anything to happen. All I wanted was for it to be an easier transition. I thought it would be better if I didn’t contact her at all. I didn’t want her to be filled with sorrow of a dead beat dad who never spent time with her. This is entirely my fault how could I have let it happen?

I only wanted the best for her when I left the hospital two months after she was born, I had broke her leg on accident that night when I was sleeping and rolled over on top of it. Marie never would have forgiven me for hurting Elizabeth so I left. On my lonely journey away from my daughter’s life, I found Rose. She was really kind and pretty when I first laid eyes on her. After a couple of years with her and her two girls we decided to have one of our own, Ann.
She has sleek bleach blonde hair and pretty blue eyes. She’s the joy and sorrow of my life. Every time I look at her I regret not being there for Elizabeth my first born daughter and the light of my life. Now the only conversations Rose and I have are arguments about how I need to love her children as I love my own. But I just can’t show them the love I can’t give my first born. How I wish I could go back and be in her life.

It’s May 29-five years-today since Elizabeth passed. I go to her grave every year on this day to tell her I’m sorry I was never around. Even though I mourn her every time I see Ann, I act like she is the happiest thing to ever happen to me. I learned from my relationship with Elizabeth that I can never do what I did to her to anybody else. I love her with all my heart and will always remember her warm, comforting, baby teeth smiling up at me from the crib. To this day I regret the decisions I made and will never make those mistakes again.





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