my life

By , oak lawn, IL
Present time:
“I love you baby no matter what” those words were the last ones to come out of the other end of the phone.
“I love you too”, she said. “But there’s something I got to say, you can’t say nothing back”.
“What is it”, he said.
“I can’t do this anymore, I can’t be with you anymore, and I need to find out who I am and what I want with my life”. “I guess what I’m trying to say is….it’s over...I got to go I love you forever and always goodbye”.
She then hung up the phone crying harder than she ever had before. She was holding the stuffed bear he gave her for Valentine’s Day, Mr. Sniffles. She had had on his blue zoo trapper sweater, it was over sized an extra large, but it gave her comfort. Her phone had beeped she had got a text. As she struggles to read it from the tears in her eyes, it was from him it read:
“how could you do this, all suddenly. You just confused right now you don’t know what you’re talking about baby. When I’m with you it’s perfect I feel perfect, were the perfect match. You’re beautiful and I’m handsome. I’m so glad that I found you; you’re my boothang for ever. What happened to us getting married on are two year anniversary, huh? What happened to that? I just want to hold your face and kiss you and tell you’re my baby. Red wine chocolate baby you can be my valentine. Your fingers fit perfectly in mine boo boo. I’ll tell the entire world about you, your mine forever. After everything we been threw lately you can’t do this to me. Just pack grab your stuff lets go far away. I know their ant no strings attached but were the perfect match. Baby girl, I can’t live on this earth without you. I won’t go after you if you don’t want me to but if you do want me to baby text me back I love you so much 6/16/11”.
It was two months later she couldn’t take it anymore; she couldn’t do it without him. She kept one of his promises she wanted to move far away cut off from everything, a place no one would find her…no body but him. Her head was thumping so hard, tears falling down her face daily. She was depressed deeply; she had to take medication now because she was diagnosed with bipolar depression earlier in her life after a traumatizing event. She thought it was crazy she didn’t think she was like that. After a while she thought about it, it was her she was bipolar and depressed. She never opened her mouth she kept everything from her friends. They had no idea about anything; they still don’t know the half of it. As much as she wants to tell them she can’t.

Flash back:
Her now xs name was Freddy. He had brown eyes and hair; he had one dimple on his right check that she loved. Freddy was about her height and they were both 17. They used to do everything together they were irrespirable, madly in love. Freddy did not like her x boyfriend Jake. Freddy told her not to meet up Jake, and not to hang out with him. She didn’t listen until one day she invited him over when she was home alone. She was mad at Freddy, kissed Jake on a mistake…it lead to more…he raped her. After that day around December, she wasn’t the same. She cut off half her friends and was always quiet. She started fighting with the few close friends she had left. She swore she would never tell, she would keep her lips sealed. The fear that overcame her of him coming back and doing it again over whelmed her. She got so cranky and depressed. She devolved bipolar depression from that. She started getting into fights with Freddy, over the grief inside her. She knew she couldn’t tell him without him getting mad and leaving her. Every time she would have a fight with Freddy it broke her heart. She developed the worst habit she could possibly develop; she started cutting herself. She cut her arms, her stomach lightly, her legs. Any sharp object in her path when she went into a scene she would use to inflict harm on herself. One day in the past around January she couldn’t take it anymore. She and Freddy were arguing pretty bad, she hung up the phone and picked up a knife. With that knife she placed it to her arm and took a picture and sent it to him. He was really upset, she didn’t care she slit her wrist 9 times. Later on her and her parents picked Freddy up, he was still really upset. When they arrived to the mall she took him outside and pulled up her sleeve as tears went down her face. Freddy looked at her cut bloody arm, tears formed in his eyes.
He asked, “Why would you do this to yourself”?
“I thought you were going to leave me”.
“Baby I won’t ever leave you unless you leave me”, he said.
“Promise me you will never do it again”?
“I promise”, she said.
He then kissed her on the lips, pulled down her sleeve and took her to the private bathroom. He applied pressure to her still bleeding arm until it stopped. He then wiped her arm off with a wet piece of toilet paper. He told her to take off her black hoodie that was secretly drenched in blood. He took of his blue zoo trapper sweater and gave it to her to put on. The rest of the day was beautiful for those things were going well, until reality snapped back into place. Her dad and Freddy’s father started fighting over there distance issue. Her living in IL. And him living in Hammond IN made it a far way to see each other; 45 minute drive. From that moment on they didn’t see each other much; every time they did they took a photo to remember those special times.
It was about May when she found out she had been pregnant. She didn’t notice it herself, she kept telling Freddy she felt like throwing up she was felling sick, not to mention she gained almost half a pound a day.
“Are you pregnant”?, he said.
“I thought you said you were careful, so how can I be?”, she said.
“Okay maybe I wasn’t that careful I’m sorry I didn’t think it would happen, you are pregnant take a test”
“what I can’t believe this! What are we going to do”!, she said.
“I was careful which is why this is unbelievable, I don’t understand how this could happen, but I’ll be there for the baby and you; let’s keep it”
“okay babe, I’ll take a test and if I am we will keep it”, she said.
He kissed her on the forehead and said “I love you baby girl”.
“I love you too”, she said.
The next day she had a late start for school. She had taken her friend with her to Walgreens to buy a pregnancy test. Trying to hide the bag rushing into the school they went into the bathroom. Her friend and her waiting patiently for the results to the test. For one stripe it was negative, for two stripes it was positive. Two stripes showed up as she dropped the test to the floor crying as her friend comforted her. She had texted Freddy and told him she was indeed pregnant they were both scared. Yet they were also very happy to create such a miracle, they were hoping it was a boy. They would name him Rafael; he would take after Freddy’s last name. School was out in May, she had only put on about 3-4 pounds in a month which was remarkable. She and Freddy had begun fighting a lot more often it got bad. That got her thinking about the rape; her baby could have been jakes. She added up the weeks from when she was pregnant to the weeks she had, had sex with Freddy. The only way to find out whose baby it was was by going to get an ultra sound to determine how far along she was. She couldn’t tell her parents she was pregnant not yet, they would kill her. The only person she was really close to that would keep it a secret was Freddy’s mom. She texted her and told her, she was shocked crying but promised to keep it a secret from her parents and Freddy. A month after school was out she went for her first ultrasound, it was a boy. She got a print out of the ultra sound it said 6/29/12 the day she first got to see her son. She was 11 weeks pregnant, her son was 15.4cm. That was not a normal development, the doctors told her babies are usually 15.4cm at 9 weeks, her son was supposed to be bigger. She ate well she made sure she ate for 2 people. She just didn’t seem to gain that much weight she as 140 pounds by august. She counted the weeks again carefully as she looked at the ultra sound, she understood it was Jacobs’s baby, or so she thought. She couldn’t tell Freddy he would leave her and never speak to her again. It was summer time and she was wearing hoodies to hide from her parents the weight she had put on. Eventually her sister-in-law found out, she was happy to have a nephew. (Freddy had asked her to marry her when he found out she was pregnant). She wanted to tell her sister what she was about to do, who’s baby she thought her son was. Eventually she told her cousin, they worked out a painful deal that would forever kill her in the inside for life.
“Are you sure you want to do this”?, her cousin said.
“I’m not sure but I have to, I can’t let my life come crashing down”, she said.
“But you do realize part of you will never be the same, trust me I’ve done this, there’s also risk”
“I understand she said, let’s just go in”, she said.
They then sat in the car in silence as they sat in front of the abortion clinic. She was mute didn’t say anything; she opened the door to the clinic and started walking inside. That’s it she had an abortion, her baby boy was gone forever, she could never get him back. She then knew what to do next; she went to Freddy’s house to talk to him.
“Hey baby”, he said as he kissed her hello.
“I just got back from the hospital”, she said
“oh my gosh!, what’s wrong babe is everything ok?”
“I had a miscarriage”, she said knowing it was the biggest lie she would ever tell him.
There was nothing but silence until he finally spoke and said, “You’re kidding right babe”?
“I wish I was”, she said as tears formed in her eyes.
They both cried in each other’s arms for hours, both with different reasons. She cried badly more than him because she knew what she did. He cried because he had just lost his son, she handed him the ultra sound.
“Keep it”, she said as she walked back into the car without any other words and drove away.
When she got home she then called the one person she never thought she would contact again; Jake.
“Hello, what do you want”, he said.
“I was pregnant with your child, I just got an abortion”.
“That’s impossible”, he said.
“What do you mean, how so?”, she said confused.
“Because girl I never did anything like that, I had a condom on, you were too busy screaming bitching to notice”, he said.
“So you’re telling me I just got rid of my baby who was actually Freddy’s”, she said in panic and sorrow.
“Yes, that’s your problem not mine, I’m 100% that wasn’t my child, bye”, he said as he hung up the phone.
She cried her eyes out as she dropped the phone she went into her room, grabbed a pillow and screamed crying. Her cousin was right she should have asked Jake first before she gave her son; she regretted it. She could never look at Freddy’s face again and she knew that, if she did she would see her son inside him in his face, she couldn’t do it. She made a choice to leave him so she could forget.

Present time:
before moving far away like she planned there was something she needed to do first. She needed to tell him what had happened with their son the real reason why she had lost him. The next day she had paid someone to take her to him house. Her ride waited in the car as she went in to see him. She rang the doorbell as he answered the door.
“What are you doing here; it’s been two months now you come around”.
“I love you babe, I want you back I came here to tell you something”, she said.
“What is it”, he said as he shut the door and they sat on the couch.
“I didn’t miss carry Rafael, I had an abortion…I thought it was Jacobs baby. Remember when you told me not to see him well I did..and he raped me I’m so sorry I should have listened. I got rid of Rafael because I thought he was Jacobs but I found out he was yours all along. I broke up with you because I couldn’t stand looking at your face knowing what I had done”.
“I can’t believe you, I can’t believe that you never told me..I’m sorry but I don’t think I can be with you anymore, just like you I have things to deal with”, he said.
“Please don’t leave me”, she said as tears were falling from her face.
“I’m sorry I have to leave soon so you have to go”, he said as he sat there face to the floor not one tear or feeling.
“Fine”, she slammed the door behind her and hoped into the car on the way home.
About 4 weeks later she got a phone call from his sister. She said that she had to tell her something involving Freddy. She had found out he has been seeing another girl for a while, and that he had had a four year old son named Alan with her. When she heard those words come out of her mouth, she just about snapped she lost it at that very moment. The tears went down her face as she started screaming and throwing stuff. She had called her friend and her friend’s boyfriend to pick her up and take her to Freddy’s. When she arrived in anger she got out of the car and targeted the first people she had lay her eyes onto; his dad and step mom. She started swearing and throwing up gang signs asking where Freddy was at. They said he wasn’t home, she said she would be back swearing words were exchanged between his dad and her. In the meantime while they waited for Freddy to get there she took her friends to a restaurant to go eat. Freddy had called her and started yelling saying why she had done that to his family, she just responded you better be home when I get there. And so he was, he was home fallowed by 3 cop cars now surrounding her. She got out of the car her friend behind her as she exchanged words with the cops. Freddy had owed her money, 200$ that she had given him earlier on in her relationship to pay for his car. The cop wasn’t dumb though he knew that’s not the only thing she wanted. Another cop then asked “are you two exs”?
“Yes”. She said.
“Can I see him I need to talk with him I want my money”, she added.
“Can you bring him out here”, said one cop to another cop.
as soon as he lay her eyes on him she was angry she wanted to punch him right in the face for hiding the secrets he did from her, but she couldn’t she just cried in her friends arms. As Freddy arrived with his dad and step mom by his side she quickly tried to wipe away her tears.
“I want my money”, she said to Freddy.
“I told you I would give it to you next week”
“you always say that and never do”, she snapped back.
“I will give it to you personally when I receive it, you have my word”, his dad said.
The look she and Freddy exchanged next caused Freddy to snap. He tried getting at her as the dad and another cop held him back, she just stood there blackly and shocked.
“I think you all should go home’, said the cop.
so they did as they hoped back in the car, she was crying in the back seat the whole way home. She ran away to Freddy’s house that day and left a note on her kitchen table telling her parents she would be home soon. Ignoring their calls she finally arrived back inside the house I around 8:45 on 8/16/12. It was supposed to be there 15 month anniversary that day. Her parents were very upset threatening to shut off her phone. Around 9:15 the doorbell rang, she thought it was a cop until she noticed her dad wasn’t coming back inside the house. She noticed it was Freddy’s dad outside he had come on his lime green motorcycle. She quickly grabbed a pair of shoes and fled out the door past her dad and Freddy’s dad, and ran so far away so fast. It was about 20 minutes later when she noticed she didn’t have her phone and had to go back home and get it. As she entered the house she noticed her dad wasn’t there she grabbed her phone and rushed out with her mom in panic trying to get her to stay. With her purse full of clothes ready to the second day of school tomorrow she rushed to her best friend’s house in Burbank. She didn’t make it though as she was walking her dad was tail gating her with the car. He told her to get into the car but she refused, he threatened to call the cops. She didn’t think he would do it until she was cornered by two cops who kept questioning her. Eventually she went home, she fell asleep and woke up the next morning like nothing happened. From then on she and Freddy had talks over the month’s chats. Him wanting to get back with her but said to wait for him for an entire year because he had to be with his baby mama for now to make his son Alan happy. Thinking about all the good times they had she couldn’t let go. All her friends family, and even Freddy’s sister kept telling her to not fall into his trap. Her friends threated to no longer be friends with her if she got back with him. What she hid from them was that she and Freddy still talked like they were good even though they knew there weren’t. They knew they were both seeing other people. She and Freddy’s sister and mom were still insanely close that it sometimes scared her. Her boyfriend at the time drove her to go see her sister, she would pull her out of school and ditch school herself. Freddy knew about their plan they have been planning for weeks. They day came and everything ran smoothly she pulled her out of school, they when out to eat, to the park, to the mall, and the end of the day came where she brought her home. She didn’t want to leave her and go back to Oak Lawn where her life was a living nightmare. She felt so close to his sister because it was a link to Rafael a link to Freddy she was her link to happiness. No matter what they would always be sisters though. Freddy’s sister would always look up to her, that wasn’t always the best thing though. Things between her and Freddy became bad again, she started cutting again. His sister starting having problems with him to, she started becoming depressed just like her. It was a Sunday when she slit her wrist for the first time in almost 6 months. It hurt but with being so close to his sister, she send her a picture of her self-harm she created. What she wasn’t expecting was for his sister to send her one back. She was creating someone like her someone she didn’t want her so called little sister to become. It was too late though she had become just like her. She had called her close friends and told her what she had did and sent them the same picture she sent her sister, she had lost those friends to. She had become quiet lost her close friends people started noticing the marks on her arms all they did was stare. She didn’t tell anyone she needed help because she didn’t want her parents to find out. Until one day it was too late all she wanted to do was be with her son, make her sister become normal again she could only do that if she was gone. She felt unloved like no one cared or understood anymore. One day when she came home from school she was home alone she was about to do the unthinkable, she grabbed a pen and 3 sheets of paper and a razor blade. The first letter she wrote was to her mom and dad it said:

dear mom and dad,
I’m sorry to disappoint you to always let you down if I did. I’ve been having problems
I never told you about them, about anything really. I just can’t do it anymore I can’t be
here anymore I hope you understand. Understand that I will always love you all so much
and I really appreciate everything you have done for me.
Love, you daughter

then she picked up the second piece of paper and it said:
dear sis,
I love you a lot, I know we are really close, so I know this is going to
hurt you a lot what I’m going to do. Don’t fallow in my footsteps please
you are beautiful from the inside and out I want you to stay like that.
I will always watch over you, I won’t let anything touch my little
sister I’ll be your guardian angel.
Love, you big sister

Finally, she saved the best letter her last letter she would write forever last, it said:

dear Freddy,
I love you with all my heart we shared something beautiful together. There’s
so much I can say but I don’t have much time. So I’m going to make this short
and say love hurts. How can I love you so much when you hurt me so bad? I
wonder how you will feel now that I’m gone, will you regret leaving me?
Love you always 6/16/11

She then left the letters on the Conner of the shower. She got in picked up the razor and sliced one of her veins. There she ended up unconscious, she ended up drowning in the bloody water she was bathing in. when her parents got home she was found pronounced dead. The news got around pretty fast, no one saw it coming she hid it so well from her parents, family, teachers, friends. The two friends that did know wish they would have spoken up sooner, because if they did she wouldn’t be dead right now. It’s her story her story that she will make come true, her story her friends and family will have to live with for the rest of their lives.





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