October 18, 2012
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I don’t know what to do. I know what I am supposed to do. I am supposed to mourn and wear black. I am supposed to cry. That’s a big one – you are always supposed to cry. I think I might have a defect inside of me, because I can’t cry. I used to cry at everything, whether it was a book or a movie causing the tears, it did not even have to be sad. But, something changed when I heard the news, and it was like all of the emotion was just spooned right out of me like that seedy mess of a cantaloupe. Now I am just the shell. I have the flesh and I have the protective skin but I am starting to wonder if there is anything left underneath all of that. If there is, I cannot seem to find it. I feel hollow. Like those chocolates we would always get on Easter. You know, how it looks so big and you get all excited but then you take a bite and taste all that air? Some pieces fall into the center, because there is nothing there but empty space. That is what I am without you – just a lot of empty space. I disappoint everyone, because they are expecting that extra chocolate that I just don’t have to give.
I always thought that when you lose someone who is so important, the world would just stop and not want to go on. The sun wouldn’t shine because it just can’t find a reason to get up there anymore. Everything would be grey and dark because that is just the way it should be. Turns out, nothing is the way it should be. How is it that without you here the sun still shines every day? How is it that the sky is blue and the world is bright and it looks like there is hope and love when I know that all of the hope and love that was in my heart was taken and completely destroyed? How is it that people can still laugh and smile…that people can live when you couldn’t? In the eyes of the universe, the end of you was just a blip on the screen, a speed bump as you fly down the highway. Time will still progress. The world will go on. But, to me, the end of you was simply…the end. The end of happiness, the end of being whole, the end of laughter, the end of love. The end of you was the end of me.
Do you remember the day that we first met? I still think of that day all the time. That day was the beginning. On that day, we had all of the time in the world. You were so confident and calm and funny…you were everything that I wish I could be. I think in a way I fell in love with you on that very first day. Is that what you intended? When you sat down at my table, turned to me like we had known each other for years, smiled that kind of smile that could make an angel blush. What was it that you said to me? My name is Caleb and I think that small talk is stupid, how about we debate about the existence of aliens instead? I vaguely knew who you were, since you were part of the popular crowd, and I would never imagine that you would want to talk about aliens. Especially not with me. I think part of the reason that I fell in love with you is the way that you could so easily share the truth. You were never afraid to say what was on your mind.
Like the day when I felt everything was going wrong and some girls were telling me things that I didn’t want to hear. I was never popular, you know. I was never like you. You heard one of their comments, walked right up and put your arm around me. My entire body felt warm, and if I had the choice I would have melted right into your arms. I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything ladies, but it is the time of the day when I must try to win over Skye’s heart. Little did you know, you already had it. The girls walked away, almost in shock as much as I was, and then you turned to me. I think that you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, and you shouldn’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. You were my hero that day, and all that I could think about.
Do you remember the day that we first kissed? You took my out around ten at night to the park. I wasn’t sure what you were doing, and I was never a nature person, but I decided to trust you anyway. You took me out of the car, gently grabbed my hand and fell onto the grass. We were laughing, I remember that. I remember that it felt like the entire world was only the two of us. I guess my entire world was only the two of us. You told me to look at the stars. You told me that, someday, you were going to go up to those stars, and you were going to smile down at me. You told me that I reminded you of the stars, because I was beautiful and light. Then you kissed me, and I felt like I was flying across the inky sky. Even when you broke away, that goofy smile on your face, my lips were still tingling. That was one of the best nights of my life, and I have been looking at the sky ever since.
It’s not fair that you are gone. That you were forced to leave while I am able to say. If either of us deserves the world, it would be you. You had your faults, we all do, but it was your faults included that made you perfect to me. I will never forget a single moment we shared. The memories are all I have left, and I will embrace them, tears falling with both sorrow and joy. I don’t care that I am now broken, I don’t care what will happen to me. The small amount of time we were able to share was the best time anyone could ever experience. I wouldn’t change a single second.
I will miss you. I will miss you so much.
I know that you are up in the stars now. You did make it there. You are dancing in the light of the planets and the moons and you are burning like those stars, smiling down on me, just like you promised. I look up in the sky and I see you, and that is why it is so beautiful. I know that one day, whether it is in twenty days or twenty years, I will join you. And we will shine together.

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