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Innocent

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“Mine,” he said. He had his large, slightly rough hands form playing guitar so long, on my cheeks. His chocolate eyes burned into mines and he lightly traced my lip with his finger. “They are mine right?” he said smirking. She laughed softly, “Of course.” He smiled, but not as much as she did. He leaned in until their lips crashed against each other, soft at first and sweet and first but then hungry and passionate. They were in his white PT Cruiser, the only place they could go for privacy from her parents. They would park somewhere private, usually at night, and from there it would start.

“I’m not so sure about this…” she said looking down. He held her tightly understanding, before he leaned in and kissed her once more sweetly. “I promise I won’t do anything that’ll hurt you.” She looked him in the eyes, connected lips with his and stayed there. Eyes closed, foreheads pressed against each other. She looked up at him, “Alright.” Yet as she gave in to him, she swore she heard a voice in her head sobbing, saying, “My Child…no…” She felt loved in the moment, so ignoring it, she continued.

“Why don’t you want to?” he asked. She gave him that look, the one she gave him often with one eye brow raised high. “Because…I was raised a certain way you know…I won’t give that up…before marriage.” She said softly, avoiding his eyes. He kissed her forehead, “Alright. I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to.” But in a way, he already had…

She sat beside him, on his parent’s couch; her sister and his brothers laughing and building with blocks even though they were 12. She smiled and laughed as they built Lego guns and tried to see who could make the best. He sat there deep in thought, his arm around her, pulling her close. She smiled, leaning into his strong but soft shoulder. “So is she your girlfriend yet?” his third youngest brother asked. She blushed, he laughed. “No, I can’t date yet.” She said and he linked hands with her; her small hands fitting perfectly and lovingly into his large ones. The thought of how he seemed so ashamed of her in public because of their age gap crossed her mind…but she pushed it aside.
“I got a job!” he exclaimed when he came over. She smiled greatly, for he had been looking for work so long and working at a grocery store was not cutting it for him. “That’s great! Where?” she asked curious. His smiled still wide, “At your school! Turns out they needed someone to help out and hired me! Guess I was in the right place at the right time!” Her smiled faded, “Wait…but you’ll be staff…That means…” He noticed her smiled whipped right off and sat down next to her on the couch like they had done so many times before and wrapped her close. “I know…we’ve gotta talk about that…”

“So this is goodbye?” she said sobbing. He pulled her close like always, hand intertwined and she couldn’t help but think of how much she’d miss this. “I guess so…” She leaned into his chest and cried and cried. “But I promise to always be by your side one way or another alright?” he said. “But you said we couldn’t text or call each other anymore…” She said confused and in tears. He stayed silent. She cried harder, she knew something was up with their good bye but she was blinded by love.

She walked into church that Sunday dressed up all pretty. She felt good truly. After church, she talked with her friend when she noticed something that made her freeze and made her blood chill. There he was laughed and clearly flirting with…that girl. The girl that she knew always talked with him in secret. The girl who was his ex that spoke lies about him, and he didn’t want to see it. The girl who was so fake, but managed to convince everyone except her. She saw the exchange and felt her blood boil like nothing before. How dare him! It’s like…she knew they weren’t together… She felt anger fill her and begin to rot her to the core. Her brother saw the exchange and came by and hugged her, “He doesn’t deserve you.” But…she wanted him. Crying herself to sleep that night, she screamed for him but he never came; he’d never come.

She saw him around at school. He ignored her very existence, and she surely wasn’t going to be the one to go to him; she had too much pride for that. As much as she would love to go and smack him, telling the world what he had done…she loved him too much for that. He was her first love…

At church, she felt ashamed. No one knew of what had really happened between them because he never told anyone they were together claiming that their age gap would be frowned upon. But she felt used, dirty, broken. After all they had done, after all she had done to him because he had suggested it… how could he move on so easily and look so happy? She cried out to her God. He felt so far away now… But why would he want to believe her anyway? Why should she deserve His forgiveness after she had plainly ignored Him so many times? “PLEASE! I’m so so so sorry. I don’t deserve you! I was so wrong to do all I did! But…please if possible…forgive me! I wanted someone to love me! He acted like he did…I was so wrong.” She cried on her knees. That’s when she felt it…something warm, peaceful wrap itself around her like a blanket. “It’s alright, you are forgiven. I understand. You are not dirty, I see you as white as snow.” It said. She cried and cried. She had never given up her innocence, her complete innocence. She realized then, that though she had done so much wrong, all was not lost.
She sat there one day, searching through her computer and found it. Hillsong Leadership College in Sydney, Australia. She smiled to herself, it was time to make something of herself and move on. She would grow up, learn from her mistakes, and prove to everyone even him that she was worth it. She would not let this take her down any further. After all, she had to be worth it if her God died for her. And as she sat writing this, tear brimmed eyes, she couldn’t help but think that maybe this all had a purpose. Maybe that in darkness, light can be found, and in the midst of her heartbreak she would rise and become better from it. And maybe…just maybe…one day she’d fine someone who deserved her and loved her…for real.




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