Conversations With Myself: The Pilot

September 6, 2012
Chapter 1: Seamless

I remember me asking her why she liked me. Her answer was, “You’re not stupid like other boys.” It felt good when I heard it, but it didn’t satisfy me. I felt there had to be a better reason because I’d always look at myself in the mirror and always think, “There’s the stupidest person ever. He can’t accomplish anything, make anyone happy, act normally, a shame to his father, etc.” It has been over three years since I heard from her. We don’t talk with each other anymore and it is not because of some unknown hate or misunderstanding. There really was no way to describe our relationship now other than simply saying it’s complicated. She has moved on and somehow is doing better. What about me? Well, being who I am, a boy who cannot open up, the wounds are still fresh. They’ve been healing though and my feelings have started to disappear. I should be glad as I’m beginning to move on, but I really don’t want to forget her, though I’m probably a fleeing memory in her mind. That’s good though, it’s about time.

There was a day when I came from work thinking maybe if I returned home everything would return to normal between us. Ironically, I ended up returning because my depression got the best of me, but the time when I was away from home almost felt unreal. I never had true friends before or people who cared about me. When I left, returned home and entered my room I felt as though nothing had changed. I was still a loner, no friends; people hid their true feelings from me and lied. Yet, there was a change in my heart. I knew that if I can bear it and take control of my depression and other personal problems I can move on. ‘Sigh’ I’m starting to sound like my counselor. Well, to put in a better way, I’m starting to man up. From here on out I want to feel honest and alive. I want to prove to her and everyone that this shy loner can be a man.

Chapter 2: Rebirth
3 Months later

I felt numb. Nothing seems to bring any joy to me, not even music could excite me anymore. My mind has shattered. This overwhelming malaise keeps from going any farther. I see the world as it keep moving forward, but I don’t know what I want to do. I’m at a standstill. For now just looking at porn is the only thing I’m doing. In my whole life I’ve never been stricken by such horrible emotions and thoughts. I think my life just keeps spiraling down. “Jesus? Hey Jesus, is something the matter?” I looked to my left and saw that Karin was looking at me oddly. “What is it?” I asked her. She lets out a sigh, “I just ask you if something is wrong since you were spacing out.” I shake my head, “It’s nothing important, just wondering about the future.” She was still looking at me, “Hmmm, I hope you’re not lying, ‘cause if something is wrong you should say something. You know what happens when you bottle up emotions.” I rolled my eyes, “ Yeah, yeah.” We stop talking and continued to listen to the lecture. It is common for my mind to wander off, but lately it’s been happening at a rate I would say is unhealthy, but whatever.

When the lecture was finished Karin had ask me if I wanted to drink coffee with her. I declined, since there are better things to do. Well, I didn’t tell her that, I just made some excuse that I was called in for work. It’s the best excuse, I think.

When I arrived to my studio I noticed a paper stuck on my door. It was some Christian group that wanted to save lost souls or I think that’s what it said. I sighed, “It doesn’t matter” and opened my door. I threw my backpack, closed the door and checked my messages. “You have 1 new message,” the answer machine droned. “ Hey Mi hijo, it’s your mom. Is something the matter since you haven’t answered my calls I…., ” I quickly cut off the message. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. Ever since I moved out from parent’s house my mother has been worried about my health. She knows that I won’t eat unless someone makes it or I decide to. I don’t think that’s weird, it’s just I’m not usually hungry. Do I have a weight problem? Yes, since I began to notice my weight I have been trying to put it off. But that not the real reason my mom calls me. She suspects that I’m a shut-in and don’t have any friends. ‘Cause of this my cousin and sisters try to invite me with their friends. I always turn them down. There’s just no way I’ll fit in with them. I mean, the age difference is already huge. Whatever, this is annoying me.

I looked at the clock, 19: 55. ‘Sigh,’ sometimes these days feel like an eternity. So far, I all I’ve done is just lied on my bed watching anime or reading manga. I guess it’s the only thing that’s kept my mind in peace. Though, sometimes I wonder if it’s appropriate for a twenty-two year old to still be watching cartoons and reading comics. When my father was my age he was working eleven hours a day out in the hot sun. There’s no way I could ever be like him. In the end, I’m just a failure who masturbates every day, watches cartoons, read comics, overweight and friendless.

When I came back I thought there was a way to turn my life around after losing everything, but it just feels like this hole gets deeper. This is the point I should attend therapy, right? Whatever, it’s just a never ending chain. I say, I’m gonna do this or that and stick to it and soon when I get too comfortable my grip loosens. Right now, if there was anything I could ask for it would be to never feel again.

Chapter 3: How My Heart Behaves

There was no point to it. All these thoughts and dreams were nothing that could help me in the real world. “I want to be the greatest!” shouted a shadow in front of me. I looked at it; it was me when I was in middle school. “I want to be jazz musician; I want to be a writer like Vonnegut; I want to be a doctor; I want to be the greatest!” he shouted again. My body swayed for a bit and then I slowly fell to my knees. This was how I use to be reckless, free and no chains attached. What happen to that mentality? Why did I fall? How did I become so secluded? My shadow walked up to me. Looking down, he asked, “Are you unhappy?” I nodded. He embraced me and absorbed me. Inside, I saw all my memories. Even though I said before that I was freer when I was younger I still had a familiar attitude like mine. In these memories I saw how lonely I was and my ignorance to it. But, no matter how lonely I was the younger child still dreamed big. He wanted to be a scientist, a cop, an artist, a karate master and the greatest. He simply wanted to be acknowledged by the people around him; He wanted someone to play with. Even though I endured it for so long, the pain finally has kicked in.

After witnessing my memories I felt my soul being pulled out. Once again, we were staring at each other face to face. There was only silence. I turned my head away; I couldn’t bear looking at myself. Then, my shadow stood up and left. My eyes opened.

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