As I sat against the wall, tears streaming down my face I thought why. Why me. Why was I the failure, fat, stupid, pathetic weirdo with no friends, who is good at nothing and has no meaning in life. I cried and pondered what I had done to make everyone hate me and what was the point of living as the 2 of spades and being the freak nobody cares for. I picked up the key of my desk and made the decision. I cried with agony as I scraped it down my side – where nobody would see – as I thought to myself about what point there was to my life. I shut my eyes and looked down at the blood spatter on my hands and thought about what had lead me to this state. I had never been popular or majorly liked, but I had friends and was happy enough with being on my own. But then one decision put me on a downward spiral. It had all began with my first boyfriend –someone I thought loved me so much. We were together for nearly two years. We even had a fake wedding!
But, one day I was at a friend’s house with me, my friend, her boyfriend and him. We sat on the floor wrapped up in a huge snug duvet and watched Letters to Juliet. He looked down at me as the film got to the part where they marry. He kissed me on the forehead and whispered to me that He would love me forever and one day that could be us getting properly married. I smiled; my stomach filled with butterflies, and snuggled closer. Not knowing that this was all lies and he would use it against me. I returned to school the next day and continued on quietly until in my last lesson, I got a note slipped to me from someone I opened it and all it said was you slept with him. I felt awful. Who had made that up? I walked home quickly that evening and sat in my room, my face in my hands. I told myself I was being an idiot and it would soon pass over.
It didn’t. I tried to ignore it for the next few months – the strain between us obvious but he said he’d stand by me and find out who did it. Four months after the first note, I was walking home from school when a girl from my class walked up behind me and whispered in my ear. “you slag, knocked up at 14”. She sneered, spat on my shoes and left. I walked on rapidly and sat down on the bench when I reached town. I took a deep breath and told myself nothing had happened. I carried on and went into my house as if nothing had happened.
Every day the rumours continued. I got messages In classes saying stuff like “who’s the daddy” and “only sl*ts get knocked up” no matter what I told anyone nobody believed me that I had never slept with anyone in my life. I got punched to the floor one day by someone on the way home and told that at least now my child would see a pretty face – I had a bruise on my cheek, a cut on my back and scrapes all down my legs. I was going through a tough time but thought I could always go to him. But just as I was near breaking point he came up to me and split up with me. I was devastated. He told me it was just not working, but what made it worse was that the next day I found out he was using me to make another girl jealous so she’d go out with him. That night I had lost my self-belief and just broke down. I was in tears for hours but knew that I should just try to put the past behind me and ignore it. The rumours continued but they soon subsided when people noticed that I couldn’t be pregnant, this was about the time I split up with my new boyfriend. We got together 6 months after I last split up, but a week later it was like de ja vu. He’d made me feel like the only girl in the world, and then dumped me for someone else. This broke my heart to think I was stupid enough to fall for the same thing twice, and I just felt like I’d been used.
I was a lot quieter after the incident with them. But another blow hit just days later when my granddad was rushed to hospital with a rare form of cancer and in a coma. He died two days later. My granddad Eddie meant so much to me and to have him taken away in the blink of an eye was devastating. I cried my eyes out at his funeral - it was an emotional blow that I didn’t need. This was followed by an almighty row with people I thought were my friends over a stupid talent competition. They didn’t want e in their group which I was fine with. I entered on my own. But then when I was sat in the classroom listening to my entry and memorising the words one lunch, they started talking about how I had no chance and how they would certainly win. I felt so betrayed that I turned to them and said that although I may not be popular at last I had to guts to take their rejection and do it on my own. They laughed in my face. I broke down inside. Trying to keep a brave face was so tough and that registration I lost it. I broke down in tears outside the tutor and then had to tell my tutor what had happened. She spoke to them the next day and their reaction was the last thing I needed.” I’m the f-ing ringleader apparently according to her” one of them said in anger. The others agreed and then all turned on me. I was sat at the top of the stairs writing and forgetting about it when the bell went. I went to back up my stuff and as I did I heard a voice and turned. They just looked at me and one of them called me a talentless snitch who has no hope in life and no friends before walking off and leaving me on my own.
The talent auditions soon came and I was on straight before them. I was singing Beautiful. I got ready to sing my song and didn’t even look at them. I sang each word with the emotion from all the times I’d been down and listened to this song trying to get myself to be that I am beautiful no matter what they say, and words can’t bring me down. As I reached the end people clapped and I felt on top of the world. I had made people feel the emotion and impressed them and that’s all that mattered. But as I left the room and went to afternoon registration I discovered that was not true. People laughed and sneered at me. They told me that I was just a wimp who was trying to make people feel like I’d had a terrible life, when all I was trying to do was give them something to enjoy. They told me I was rubbish, stupid and talentless. I turned around and said that I’d like to see them go out there on their own and not be nervous, but they just said that if they did nobody could be as bad as me.
I continue to get little knocks for months afterwards, I had an almighty row with the person I thought was one of my closest friends after she kept putting me down and I dared to fight back. She made me look like the bad one and her the victim and I lost nearly all of my friends. I kept getting called names and bullied but I kept quiet to stop it getting worse but it just bubbled inside me and made me feel like I was hopeless. Then my uncle died of cancer. The same thing that had killed granddad. I felt like I was at rock bottom and it couldn’t get worse. I had lost all the confidence I had built up in year 7 and felt like I had to put on an act every day. Like my life was a play and I just acted in it.
When it got to the sports day choices I felt ecstatic as the one thing I was good at in sport was this year’s team event – netball. I was picked to play on the team, made every practise, and was willing and tried in every position. But I was just put down by the captain who’d never let me play and would just make me feel rubbish. Then after our last practise I overheard her saying that I was their worst player and shouldn’t play. I was heartbroken that I may be forced out of my favourite thing in sport. I picked up my sister that day and silently walked home. When I arrived I skipped dinner and threw up as I felt so awful with myself. I then had another row with mum ( one of hundreds in the last few months, but nowhere near the worse). But my mental state meant that it lead to me walking out. I wondered to dancing and then my mum forced me to come home. And then I walked into my bedroom and shut the door to block out the world it had all built up and I just couldn’t cope with life anymore. As I sat against the wall, tears streaming down my face I thought why. Why me. Why was I the failure, fat, stupid, pathetic weirdo with no friends, who is good at nothing and has no meaning in life. I cried and pondered what I had done to make everyone hate me and what was the point of living as the 2 of spades and being the freak nobody cares for. I picked up the key of my desk and made the decision. I cried with agony as I scraped it down my side – where nobody would see – as I thought to myself about what point there was to my life. I shut my eyes and looked down at the blood spatter on my hands and thought about what had lead me to this state. I was self destructing and I knew that I could not be myself anymore. I had nobody left and was dying inside. I cried and cried and fell asleep on the floor, still bleeding physically and mentally. Broken inside and beyond repair.