A Girl's Best Friend

By , hoffman estates, IL
8-12-10
First of all, I want to apologize for all I’ve made you go through mom. I want to get better and come back home. I spend all day with a bunch of people with real problems, drug addicts, alcoholics, and even psychopaths. I’m not one of them. There was one guy named Nick who would talk to me about conspiracy theories and how the world was out to get him. He would go up to a wall and start talking to it as if there was someone behind it. He was trying to get me to join his club, he was just crazy. I know it’s not right of me to say I have no problems, but that’s just the way I feel compared to what I’ve seen so far. The staff is nice to me always trying to help and talk to me, but I know what they’re thinking “Poor girl, she has no future. “ The people here call it rehab I call it what it really is, jail. I want to come home being here for a year makes me miss home: the couch with the mustard stains, the dinner table chair that wobbles, and most of all your home cooked meals. The food here sucks everything’s just too bland. It’s never quiet in here; some one’s always yelling or trying to tell stories about back home. I miss being able to walk outside whenever I wanted. Now I have a strict schedule. I wake up at 7:30 am, have breakfast at 8:30am, go to anger management classes till 11:00am, have lunch at 12:30am,and so on its tiring.

8-19-10
Sweetie I just wanted to say I love you and I’m so proud of you. I know it’s hard for you there, but it’s not any better here. There isn’t a day that goes by and I don’t blame myself for you being so far away from me. If only I would have gotten a job and provided stability for this family, you wouldn’t have wondered off to find it some were else. My heart sank when I received the police phone call saying you were in jail. I couldn’t respond I was shocked, stunned, and even frustrated. I cried the whole day waiting for you to come out. I can’t believe my little girl is all grown up, but frustrating you couldn’t celebrate your 17th birthday at home with the people that love you. I walked into your room to see everything in place: the bed was made with the stuffed animals guarding the door, the desk still had homework on it due months ago. I didn’t dare touch a thing because I knew you wouldn’t like it.

8-29-10
I want to go back lie in my own bed. My room here is small, I mean small, like half the size of my room back home. The bed is pushed up against the wall like it is back home, but I don’t have a window here. My room is actually organized you would be proud. The clothes are all in their drawers and they’re even folded. I want to come home already. How’s Jack? Can he walk? Has he started to talk? I miss him too.

9-7-10
I’m so proud of you. When you come home you can clean your room here. I’m going to start expecting that now. Your brother’s fine, I can tell he misses you. He likes to fall asleep on your bed and stand up, using the walls for support. He’s trying so hard to walk I know it will happen soon. He also likes to babble I can’t keep him quiet anymore. I bought him one of those puzzles with the shapes. Jack loves it he sits on the floor for what seems like hours. You used to have one too. Do you remember? I have pictures of you smiling, while putting the shapes in the correct holes. When you come home I’ll look for it.

9-13-10
Looking back I can kind of remember the puzzle. I want to go home and help him out with it. I want Jack to remember me helping him with walking, talking, and even with puzzles. How are you doing? I’ve been talking all about myself for a really long time it seems like. How’s work, home? Anything you want to tell me?

9-22-10
I know Jack knows who you are. He goes into your room all the time, he plays with your toys and looks at your pictures. There’s no way he could forget who you are. And you have not been talking about yourself for a long time. I love to listen to what you have to say, and I’m not saying that just because I’m your mother, I really mean it. I’m doing really well; as well as I can be without my daughter at home. Life at home is going well I cleaned the whole house and even redecorated the living room, I moved everything around. The sofa with the mustard stains you so loved I moved out of the living room and got a whole new, well new for us, living room set. It’s brown and it’s really soft to sit on. After work I come lay down on the couch and it’s so comfortable. I’ve been given more hours at work so I’ve had more income, which is really good. I even got Jack into a daycare that he loves. He comes home with drawings he’s made of rainbows, animals, and even of our family. I have no idea what they are until he tells me. Some are hung up on your wall as a surprise for when you come home. Act surprised it will make Jack happy. I think that’s been enough talking about myself for a while. Don’t you think?

10-15-10
Honey are you okay? Why haven’t you responded to my emails? I’m starting to worry you have never taken more than a week to respond. Please let me know you okay?

10-29-10
Please respond. Are you okay? What’s wrong?

11-13-10
What’s wrong? I’m going to call the police. Respond. I’ve called you and they told me you don’t want to talk. Please respond.

11-25-10
Mom I’m fine. Sorry I haven’t responded to your emails in a while. I was getting overwhelmed with wanting to go back that reading the emails saddened me. I’m so glad you’re happy with work, and that Jack is in daycare. I can’t wait to see his drawings I hope he made me look pretty. I can’t wait to see the “new” living room. Not going to lie I was sad you moved the old sofa. I loved that sofa I can remember growing up with that sofa. Do you remember how he used to fight over who would sit on the sofa, while eating dinner? I would always win. I will never forget when you grilled hamburgers and mine fell leaving the mustard stains on the right side of the arm rest. You tried to clean them off, but the stain won. Do you remember?

12-11-10
Of course I remember we bet to see if I could get the stain off. And you won, or should I say the stain won. And don’t worry about your old sofa I didn’t throw it out, I just moved it to a different place. I’m sorry you have been feeling lonely and sad I don’t want that for you. I hope these emails help. I know we don’t talk about much, but we do have fun talking about nothing. I love bringing up all of those old memories we never used to talk about.

12-19-10
The emails really do help. I love knowing that back home there’s a whole new set of funny stories that will happen or that have happened. I was so sure you would throw the sofa out. You hated that sofa. I even thought you were jealous of it at some point. Well, it’s December. That means Christmas is coming up. I’m sad to think Christmas is coming up I won’t be able to do decorate the tree. Are you guys still stringing the popcorn around the tree? Or decorating ornaments?

12-26-10
I’m glad the emails help. I don’t ever want you to fell alone because I will always be here for you, even If I’m far. Yes, we’re decorating the tree, and of course we’ll be stringing popcorn. I want Jack to remember Christmas as a tradition just like I did with you as a child. I have so many pictures of you sitting on the floor with popcorn everywhere, but on the string were it was supposed to go. I took Jack to the store a couple of days ago, he picked an ornament for me and I picked one for him. You started that tradition when you were like six, you picked the blue shinny one for me, and I picked the small pink one for you. I’ll take a lot of picture I’ll send them to you soon.

1-3-11
I want to see all of the pictures soon; whenever it is I go home. I’m tired of being here I’m bored all the time; group therapy is getting too repetitive. We say we have a problem and that’s about it. I wish I could have spent Christmas at home I wanted to see the decorated ornaments, and the tree with the popcorn. Jack must have been happy, at least one of your kids was. Well, New Year’s Eve is coming just another holiday I can’t spend with the people I love.

1-12-11
Honey, it’s okay. We love you and we know you’ll come home. I can tell you’re starting to freak out, but you have to relax. I know you’re bored, but you have me, talk to me whenever you feel down. New Year’s Eve wasn’t that important we went to sleep early as if it was an ordinary day. We have tons of other holidays to celebrate together when you come home. Just remember we love you.

1-19-11
Thank you so much for being here for me. This week has seemed harder than any other, I’m really home sick. I know I’ll go home and that’s what helps a little. I remember how you used to say that you would be my best friend and I used to ignore you. Now I know you were right. All those friend I thought I had aren’t here with me, it’s only you. And I couldn’t ask for anyone else. I remember I used to spend all my time with them and I never wanted you to meet them. I wonder what happened with them, probably not anything good. I know Paul had a court date set up before I left. Paul was the guy I used to ditch school with and his girlfriend Daisy came along for the ride. Daisy, just did whatever Tom asked her to do like me, she was the one that signed of my waiver to get my piercing. You know the tongue piercing you hated? I was so stupid to think you wouldn’t notice. I walked into the kitchen and you asked me what I wanted for dinner, as if it mattered I couldn’t eat any of it. I could barely talk because my tongue was so swollen. You yelled at me and then let me deal with my poor decisions. I just realized my friends made me do the stupidest stuff and I just followed them around. I felt as if they used me like a toy. If they wanted a laugh I would make them laugh and when they didn’t need me they didn’t come looking for me. I did the same with you I used you when my friends didn’t need me. Do you remember the time you had to come pick me up from the store? Well, they took me to the store and forgot about me, they got tired of being there and left. I realized I was a game to them and to me they were my friends. And you were there for me when all else failed. I know I don’t say it as often as you deserve to hear it, but I love you and I’m glad you’re here for me.

Mom I wanted to show you what I had written in my journal the day my, so called, friends left me at the store.

Everyone uses me. I’m not wanted anywhere. I don’t even know what to do anymore I have no friends, I’m alone.

Paul invited me to the store today and I think he knows I like him, but then Daisy came along. She always does. Paul and Daisy were talking and walking together and like always I have left to walk alone, but it’s okay because at least they invited me. Right? We went into his favorite store and he was actually talking to me not Daisy. He saw this pair of glasses he really liked and asked me to take them for him. Of course I did because I wanted him to see I would do anything for him. After we left for the store he left me and was talking to Daisy I should have seen he was using me, but I wanted him to like me and I stayed quiet. Some of Paul’s friends, which I don’t know, called him and invited him to a party. I was so excited because I thought he would invite me. I went to the bath room and when I came out they had left. I felt so stupid because I thought they were joking around. I couldn’t believe they had left, but they did. I called my mom and she picked me up I didn’t want her to know they had left me so I told her I decided to stay longer and they offered to drive me but I declined. I couldn’t let her know she was right or she would hold it against me for as long as a live. I couldn’t let her have that kind of control over me. I’m so stupid. I have no friends.

1-26-11
I love you too. WOW that’s probably the first time I have ever heard of your friends. Remember no one made you or could ever make you do anything you didn’t want to. I’m sorry your friend did that to you because no one should be treated the way they treated you, but it worked as a learning experience. I wish you would have talked to me I didn’t want you to feel alone because that’s not true. I knew something was wrong when you walked into the house. I didn’t know if to laugh at you or yell, but you did get in trouble. After all those years I’m glad you’re finally listening to me. I have to announce it to the world. My daughter finally took my advice, she listened! When you come, we’ll be waiting with open arms never forget that. I love you.

2-9-11
Mom, I think I’m going to stop writing for a while.

2-16-11
What? Why?

2-21-11
Why would I email you anymore when I can talk to you face to face? I hope you’re not freaking out, but just because I know you so well you probably are. I’m not telling you the exact date because I want it to be a surprise, but here’s a clue. It’s in about one to two weeks.

3-2-11
What? You’re finally coming home. I told you it would happen soon. And don’t ever do that again. You really scared me; I should have expected it you have always been playing jokes even as a child. I’m so happy word can’t describe what I feel now I had to re-read the letter a couple of times. I’ll clean the whole house and make you a special dinner. Or we could go out to dinner whatever you want. I’m so happy for you because I know it was really hard for you to be there. Maybe you can finally do all that work that’s been piling up on your desk for months. I love you and I can’t wait to see you again.





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