An inner war

May 23, 2012
By Khanh SILVER, Ho Chi Minh City, Other
Khanh SILVER, Ho Chi Minh City, Other
5 articles 0 photos 2 comments

My life is exciting and is constantly revolving, even when it is a lonely rainy Sunday afternoon, or on a soft Christmas night drowning in my own contemplation. Every day, I leap and ponder in my world- a world known only to me, hidden even to my parents, my closest friends and the society. My world is characterized for being a beautiful, lush, evergreen den that was peppered with all sorts of bluebells, imitations and a competitive soul that knew jealousy. My world is a mishap of impure sarcasm, a growing mind. This was my identity.

However, it is perhaps most normal- yet so shocking it smashed my ego. My own world was unknown to me. The moment that it struck me that this world existed, I simply weakened. It was back in a summer, when I first knew love in its full substance. I fell into an infatuation. Suddenly, I craved all that is carnal, I craved all that is glamorous, I craved all that gave me the spotlight. Once, I even looked to myself as enlightened.

‘ Deadly wrong.’ I thought I heard that somewhere in my abyss, like a breeze passing by.

Soon, the snob evolved itself into an envy, forming an envy which invaded my infatuation, whatever society wished I conformed by with perfect obedience. I am grown in a cultural Christianity ever since being baptized. Both a grace and a challenge. Everything that have been learned raised it swords against me, yet I saw inside me, at the end of the abyss laid a shimmering light. When I stand near the beloved, we each see a boy.

My heart began to go head over heel, joyously laughing with him, poking fun at him. My emotions soar high above the heavens, never knowing when to stop- perhaps it is true when they say:

‘ Love is the most beautiful irrational thing in the world.’

For the first phase of my infatuation, I followed him like a child with its parent, if it was I who gave love to him, he would return for me a radiant smile. Day after days passed by, I felt connected to the world, amongst the millions of lovers hushing by on Earth. At the same time, when the beloved asked me:

‘ Do you like men?’ he said with a most gentle voice, it almost melted my heart until-

‘ No, and certainly not.’ Almost instinctively I replied to him.

It was from this that an evil seed had settled its root inside me, since the tip of every belief in my mind started to both stumbled and argued amongst themselves.

‘ You must not like him!’ The keeper of all Marriages asked me.

‘ I like him, I will abide to him, my first love will be my last! ’ Songs in head started to hum inside my soul, forming what would later become a rebellion.

Now, to question whether it was the society which stumbled me, or I that had drove myself to be so, is considered a controversial issue. My feelings for the beloved, platonic at core, I never knew the anatomy of sex beside fantasies, nobody ever bothered to tell me a thing.

Still, at the same core, a divine string it had touched, yet it only ached like a useless nerve, it felt seriously endangered- religion. You see, I had adorned myself with the Trinity ever since I was born. Therefore, the keeper of all Marriages said so with all authority:

‘ H*ll awaits you if you do so.’ He whispers.

Still, deep in my abyss rose an army of its own, I wasn’t fully persuaded. If an ideal is indeed bad, it would cause sorrow and diseases, plaguing one forever, then the Lord would show signs of his refusal. None of these happened in my feelings nor logic- the only plague was from the other ideals, the one which rejects mine. To say perdition are for homosexuals alone must be deadly wrong!

‘ Men and men must not go together, Sodom have been destroyed.’ The voice said.

It stored, it churned and flushed in my mind, bursting out spasms of tears and a well of sorrow, still I stood high. ‘ Wasn’t it the rape, which men carnally said as passage to manhood meanwhile it’s an act of love? The power of love is indeed purest. And well...rape isn’t’

It dawned upon me that he would surely raise his sword against me if i should ever argue. ‘ Well, i blame you none, but you shall go with all sterility then.’ A sudden shame rose over me... children.

Indeed, that very nerve ached, only because it fears that it would lose its vice grip from my soul. The Lord’s book is a wonderful tool, it brought the Trinity to humanity, it brought Salvation to humanity, and yet people turned it into a most perfect weapon. We have always sought after the Divine to justify our questions, many would be astonished at the amount of sorrow people have caused their Divine.

‘ Forgive them, just...forgive them.’

This is what we were supposed to do, it is a universal thing, it’s peaceful, it’s not going to harm anybody, it won’t make tears. At the heart of every discrimination, a light shines bright, waiting to be touched, but only if he should choose to be engulfed by it.

Mladic and Muslims, Jews and Hitler, Nero and Christians,
Aren’t we brothers?
Have we forgotten the tender smiles we used to give one another?
Have we forgotten that we used to chase each other to forever?
Have we forgotten to stop and say hello?
And now I’m cherishing them alone.

We need not to see politics
Our instincts burning ever brighter
Our hearts dying to say ‘ Stop!’
Simple as a child, crying in the rain
To kill without remorse...
To hate without a cause...
What have we become?

Chubby and lean, gay and straight, Asian or Afro
Weren’t we equals?
We were all made in one common image
We rushed through days never knowing why
We were sad, you were lonely,
And now I’m singin’ a song for you.

We need not to see politics
Our instincts burning ever brighter
Our hearts dying to say ‘ Stop!’
Simple as a child, crying in the rain
To kill without remorse...
To hate without a cause...
What have we become?

So let’s close your eyes and stop,
You know what I mean,
Embrace me and let me whisper in your ears
Sweet words for an eternity...
‘ I love you’

Walking on the streets, I ponder over this mystery, the Divine and the Devil, perdition and salvation, good and evil. Perhaps I am deliberately exhausting myself, but it has to be resolved, whatever conflict there is, has to be settled.

The Bible have always been the hardest book to read- partially because in its full light, it once penetrated, without malice nor mercy, my heart. It was truly painful, when I’m still a little boy, reflected upon this artifact, and found myself as a sinner in its context. Even so, for a reason that I never knew, came to me, and poisoned me of the book. I have turned into a profound snob, the book was my weapon, I used the book against my friends- they were all hurt. Only I- the blind one, the one who was most fooled, have been safe until the day I first touched love.

Suddenly, as I have mentioned before, fellow readers, it crumbled and fell down, like Lucifer thrown down from Heaven. Homosexuality- to love a man, while I’m a man, was the greatest sin to my culture, even I was alienated from it. I denied it profusely, I denied Love loudly, I have been impaled from all corners of my soul.


An inner voice came up in my profound depression, eyes crying sapphire tears, limbs paralyzed and soul suspended in a heartstring, awaiting impatiently for judgment. This voice, soft and strong, clear and vague- it tickled my instinct, it was rapturous. I stood up from the ground, looking back at it, it was empty, it grew no corn, it had no joy. I felt sorrow and happiness altogether, a new start. Whatever this voice was, it had saved me, I opened wide up my windows, allowing the Sun to dance freely once again in my room.

It was at this point, that I knew that the Lord have reached his arms to me, as i remember bracing the keeper of the false Christianity with a strange bravery.

‘ Come out’ I said, determined to drop a curtain to this drama.

‘ I told you, you are a shame, and I will not talk to you, for you are a perdition, unless you eliminate your existence and I shall save you.’

‘ You would not, you are the perdition, you’re the roots of my earthly sorrow, you’re the vile germ that I have foolishly grieved over.’

‘ You still must go without a heir, and thus you are not abiding to your race.’

‘ I tried so be someone else I’m not. And what did I get exactly? Nothing. I tried to be someone else, and I find it easier to be myself, my moral self. I can run now, but no...I’ll stand here, it’s my story! I will live on, I will live and defeat my sorrow! You are not Christ, he is love!‘ With that, I draw out a sword, for the first time in my life, and thrust it through this Christianity. This drove the devil into his full form, he disappeared, out of my castle, into the world.

‘ Then society will not spare you, would you not prefer to be nestled with your mates, would you throw your family away, and to be safe you must bury this shame forever, I demand.’ He tempted me.

‘ Tens of millions are crying, dying and suffering, children being sacrificed away as mere bombs; teenage boys sinking their hearts to shoot their guns- closing their eyes to avoid the pain; around the world flus strike people as a shadow passing by. If others have felt them, why should i not? To understand them, to heal these pain, to mend the Earth to its happiness once again. And I only have one trial, I’ll make it worthwhile, life is not a rose, but better water it than not, that is hope.’ I replied.

With this, I screamed: ‘ It is because I walk like I’ve got a diamond mine that you shiver to your spine?! I’ve had enough of your jealousy, get away from me right now!’

He screamed in pain and anger, his vine has lost its grip on my fortress, his darkness befalling.

‘ I will come back one day...and draw you into death, with me.’ he said as he fades away.

When I open my eyes once again, my city was celebrating, its defense still strong and sturdy, everyone smiled and laughed- I felt like a child again. My heart sings again, the pianist and orchestra stepping out from their bunkers as veterans of a war returning home.

‘ Home...’ They giggled at me, eyes filled with long laughs, we were all tingling with security, for the first time in our life on Earth.

I headed to the bow of the castle, took hold of the wheel of fate and gave it a tug.

‘ Still a fine baby, eh? Miss my hand?’ I murmured to the wheel of Fate itself.
I came over to the balcony, with its view over my beloved city, and announced:

‘ This...ship, this castle, is ours again! Praise be to the Lord!’ And the crowd were cheering, they were tired of years pretending and masking their scars and wounds.

‘ Let’s start a new chapter...our chapter, tear down the old, build again the entire city if we must, leave no brick unattended, leave no weed remaining, leave no wound untouched.’ I shouted across the metropolis, everyone immediately went out to carry out the repair they have been yearning for. I leaned on the wheel, grip it strongly, and headed North.

‘ I will aid you, and now you’ve learned, you’ll teach, you’ll have new jobs, are you ready?’ A voice echos in my mind.

‘ I do not know if I will be able to do so, but lend me your hand, for i need it desperately, when I fall, I’ll need someone to warm my night. I do not know fully, but I have confidence in my self, in the beloved, and You. The road ahead will be filled with scorns and thorns, but it’s my turn, it’s my turn!’ I asserted, full of hope for tomorrow.

And we sailed towards the tiny glimpse of light amongst a seemingly endless darkness.

The author's comments:
After a long time fighting with my identity, this is my expression on the struggle. It's my personality, journey, and emotions all rolled into one story. It's very metaphorical, but these images hold a place dear in my heart. Let us hold our own swords and carve for ourself a foundation, a strong, solid foundation.

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