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When All Hope Is Lost

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I wake up to the sound of the front door being slammed. Have they gone mad? Racing to the window I run to see who it is, it must have been my parents because my brothers were still at the after party. But no one is there. In my parents’ bedroom I hear my dad scrabbling to get ready.

“TYLER GET IN HERE NOW,” he screams. My dad never talks to me in such a harsh tone, so I booked it to my parents' room. Leila my dearest little niece cries, it was way too early for that little girl to get up. Like a gift my dad hands me my precious little niece and heads for the door “I’ll be back soon” he says “But until I get back man the fort and watch Leila…I’m counting on you, son.” Opening the front door I follow mindlessly.

Suddenly, so many questions pop into my head. Don’t you need to take a shower? Where’d mom go in such a hurry? But mostly what’s wrong? Before I can ask any of these questions, he vanishes. Just then I realize Leila is still in my parents’ bedroom alone, but going back to get her I realize my parents' phones are on the table. I hope I don’t need to get a hold of them anytime soon. They would tell me if anything was wrong, right? All of a sudden I hear Leila crying from the room, someone has to get her back to sleep (I drew the short stick there I guess). I rocked Leila for what seemed like hours, yet she still wouldn't fall asleep. I couldn’t blame her though; we were both abandoned with no rhyme or reason. Nothing hurts worse than feeling absolutely alone, or so I thought. Just then I looked down and realized Leila was finally asleep, maybe I’m not as bad at this whole babysitting thing after all. Just then the front door flew open. Frightened I tried to find a place to hide with Leila, until I hear a soft voice come from the other room.

“Leila” she calls. The poor child wakes up to the sweet sound of her mother's voice, and once more she begins to cry. Toni comes into the room with a grim look on her face. “Hey Ty…I’m really sorry about what happened.” I looked at her with a concerning expression. She grabbed Leila out of my hands and hurriedly turned away heading for the door. I yell after her “WHAT’S WRONG AND WHY WONT ANYONE TELL ME?' But she couldn't seem to hear me even though she was just steps away. I wanted to run up to her and grab her and force her to tell me, but my feet felt glued to the floor. I stood there paralyzed with thoughts racing through my head. The only thing I could hope for was piece of mind, if only for a second. I must find a way to figure out what’s going on before it consumes me first. Should I play videogames or watch a movie? I think to myself, no because that’s only a temporary fix. It’s still a gloomy morning outside, but I didn't care, I needed fresh air. So I run outside, but there’s still nowhere to hide. Thoughts raced more than ever. I let myself fall to the ground as I lay face down in the cold damp grass. Just then I hear a car approach from the driveway. Yet I don’t move.

Someone opens the house door, yet and moments later the person comes back outside and I hear; “Tyler!” I stand up, and my dad comes around the corner and finds me. “Go get dressed,” he says in a depressing tone. This time I can no longer hold in the questions. I yell out everything in my head at once “Where’d you go? What’s wrong? Why won’t anyone tell me?” He grabbed me and gave me a hug, a gesture that is not normally received from him unless he feels bad or something bad has happened.

Once again he looks at me and says “Go get dressed…we have somewhere to go.” This time I move and head inside to get changed, because I was still in my PJs. My dad waits for me outside; with the car running so I get the feeling we are in a hurry to go somewhere. As I get in the car I could tell my father wanted to tell me something, and he tries and tries again, but he didn't seem able to. Something is holding him back, I thought.

Finally as we approach E. Sternberg Rd he says “I’m sorry for waking you up so early I hope Leila wasn’t tough to deal with.” Knowing that this is not truly wants to tell me I interject.

“WHY WON’T YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG?!” I could no longer hold it back, and I began to cry.

My dad stares at me, yet he does not seem mad, he just looked at me and finally tells me the words that still haunt me to this day. “Grandpa is dead…” I couldn't believe this just weeks ago when I last saw my grandpa, he was fine…nothing could kill the invincible man (Or so I thought). Besides, he knew how much he meant to me. He could never just die. I can’t help but cry, yet I feel more mad than upset. Why didn’t he tell me he wasn’t feeling well? Why couldn’t I see him? How could he leave me here alone? I feel taunted and tortured by my own thoughts.

My dad looks at me and whispers, “It will be okay son, we all die sooner or later.”

“How can everything be okay? I just lost my best friend without even getting to say goodbye! He’s not coming back dad…” Just then I realize we are at my grandparents’ house and everyone was already there, but me. I got out of the car and walked the longest 12 steps of my life into the house. Everyone looked at me and starts crying…they know how much he meant to me, and I know how much he meant to them. For once in my life I have no idea what to do. I sit there for the longest time. My mom finally leads me into the room I dare not enter again. My grandfather laid there as pale as a ghost.

Suddenly my 3 year old cousin asks what all of wish would truly happen; “When will papa wake back up!” Everyone burst into tears, but this time I didn't. I didn't seem to have anymore tears to give. I’ve lost the most important person in my life without even telling him that. That’s when I realized, it was no longer about me. It was about the piece of my heart that is now dead, never to be filled again.





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