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The Way Some Deal
I looked over the edge of the cliff and whimpered. Daniel pulled me back, “Come on Celia you know you’re afraid of heights. Looking down isn’t the smartest idea for you of all people,” he said. His hands were on either side of me attempting to help me regain my balance.
We always seemed to be like this, me unstable and him trying to keep me from falling whether it was physically or mentally. I always seemed to be leaning on him for comfort, something that now haunts me. I would be okay with this situation if we were balanced in our friendship, but we aren’t. This is why I wouldn’t be all that surprised if he just left me. I honestly can’t remember the last time we had a conversation where I didn’t end up in tears. I loved that I could trust him, but I didn’t know if he felt like he could trust me.
I nodded my head in agreement; I shouldn’t look over the edge. We were at a summer camp on a hike. The funny thing about me is I can step off a platform to do a zip line because I trust the rope, but when it comes to walking up or down a hill I tend to get kind of freaked out. I was lucky to have Daniel with me. He was an amazing distraction; he helped me not think about the situation I was in and gave me more reason to control myself.
There was one cliff Daniel couldn’t keep me from falling from. I realized this when I found out I am in love with him. That was one thing he couldn’t save me from…myself. He couldn’t save me from my problem of over thinking things. With the pace my thoughts came to me and the way I over think them. I had practically dug myself a hole and buried myself a live.
Three months later…
School has been going on for about a month now and I was already having issues balancing my real personality with what people expected of me. I have to be happy for everyone else because they all have their own problems and I refused to burden them with mine. I have even had trouble confiding in my close friends because the guilt eats me from the inside out but I need someone there for me. There are three main people I confide in, Daniel of course, but there was also Leah and Kate. Kate is in the same grade as me and I know our friendship is balanced; she tells me as much as I tell her and that’s a lot. However, my friendships with Leah and Daniel are different. I tell them everything and depend on them a lot, but they say nothing to me. I guess they think I am too unstable, and I can’t really blame them if they do.
Leah is three years older than I am. She is beautiful, too. I am jealous of her; I admit it. She is everything I am not, pretty, smart, nice, I mean what else could someone ask for? I hate how jealous I get of her. She is one of my best friends; aren’t I supposed to see us as equals? Oh, well, it’s just another question I may or may not find the answer to when I am older, not this year; eighth grade is too confusing to find life’s answers.
Then there is Daniel. He is two years older than I am, and I trust him as much as I trust Leah if not more. It has been close to a year since I began to have a crush on him, and I have only fallen harder since then. I really have hope that things will work out. He is the only thing in eighth grade that hasn’t completely confused me, and he is the only person that I don’t feel like I have to fake a smile for. With any luck, he will feel the same about me one day.
Another three months later…
I just got back from a church retreat it was a lot of fun. I think that Daniel and I have really gotten closer. He still doesn’t confide in me, but he has gotten pretty good at doing things like holding my hand while I’m crying. This year has been a roller coaster with more downs than ups. I hope I haven’t been depending on him and Leah too much. I am having some problems with Kate; ever since she got that boyfriend of hers she hasn’t really had time for anything else. I say it’s unhealthy I have even argued with her over the idea of breaking up with him. I just don’t care for the way he treats her. This boy has a reputation;, he has hurt so many girls it’s not even funny. I am almost positive he will do the same thing to Kate, but she just won’t listen to me. When Grayson hurts her, I don’t want to be there for it.
I have complained to both Daniel and Leah about it, but it doesn’t seem to help. I can’t save Kate from her thoughts, like Daniel can’t save me from my own.
During the retreat I started puking after the first meal I had in front of Leah. I hadn’t had this problem since fifth grade. I knew what was wrong because it had happened before. Whenever I ate in front of people that obviously weighed a lot less than me I get really sick to my stomach. I was surprised it was happening at that time though. I mean sure I know she is prettier and skinnier than I am, but I never thought it would upset me enough to make me start puking again.
She doesn’t know how jealous I am of her, and come to think of it until that happened, I hadn’t known either. All I can say for sure is that I know she will never, ever find out.
Four months later
My cousin, Chase, who is a marine, was sent to Afghanistan about a month ago, and I have just now begun to stop having nightmares. Daniel ran into me about a week after I found out and stood next to me as I cried. I have even less control of my emotions with the lack of sleep I have had.
Kate is now suicidal because of problems she has been having at home and I have been having a hard time staying strong enough to support her; so I have been leaning on Leah and Daniel a lot more. Daniel convinced me to go talk to my youth minister for help since I couldn’t convince Kate to. All he told me was to not let her talk to me about it unless she wanted to go get help. On the upside it doesn’t look like I will have to because she seems to have calmed down for a while.
I went with Kate and Grayson to the counselor’s office at school a little while before that, though. Grayson has been making me feel like a horrible person by being supportive and helping me get through the whole Chase going to Afghanistan thing, and just being a randomly nice person to me even after all the rude things I said about him.
I guess that was about two weeks ago since then it feels like Daniel and Leah have been getting really distant. It feels like I am losing them and it is beginning to hit me really hard. I just hope things will go back to normal soon because I am really starting to worry that I complained to them one too many times. I honestly don’t know if I can handle losing them.
Two months later
Kate’s point of view
Celia killed herself about a week ago; I went to her funeral today. I saw Daniel and Leah there, too. Celia left a note apologizing to me for not being strong enough to support me, and told Leah and Daniel she was sorry for relying on them so much and burdening them with her problems. Leah was sobbing and Daniel’s face was so pale it was ghostly, and I saw a tear run down his cheek every so often.
I had no idea I had caused her so much pain. I can’t help but feel guilty. I am after all one of the people that made her lose it. I have been a mess since I found out my name was on that note, after I found out she felt the need to apologize to me after what I…what I put her through. The guilt is heart wrenching. I honestly wish there was some way I could go back and change what happened, but I can’t do anything but go on.
I am so sorry Celia.