It Burned

May 14, 2012
By augustsun02 SILVER, Hamburg, New Jersey
augustsun02 SILVER, Hamburg, New Jersey
9 articles 0 photos 76 comments

Favorite Quote:
Write. It doesn't matter if you're overjoyed, furious, miserable, or what. Write to keep those emotions in check while managing to grow stronger.


It burned. I remember that much. I remember the fire that slowly trickled down my throat, heating my entire body. I remember it well. My friend was hungry and left to find food. She invited me to come along, but I stayed in the crowded room, the smells of each person mixing to create a nearly noxious aroma. Then he showed up out of no where, now-obvious mischief in those gleaming green eyes. In his hand was a red Solo cup. When I inquired what was in the cup, he assured me it was Sprite. Relief washed over me as I realized I wasn't the only sober person at this party. After getting bumped and knocked into, he suggested we go sit on the couch. So we did. Well, I did. He just stood there, smiling down at me. He placed his cup on the wooden coffee table, confessing that he wasn't a Sprite fan. Then, just like that, as quickly as he came, he was gone. I relaxed a bit and let my guard down. Within seconds I was being pushed against the couch. Someone forced my mouth open and I saw the cup being grabbed from the table. Its contents were poured down my throat, and my whole body went numb. I couldn't fight back. Then everything went black.


***********************


As I sit in the quiet police station, the officer finishes writing down my story. The florescent lights reflect off the sweat on his balding head. I don't know how I got here. I don't remember ever being asked to be brought here. The officer looks up at me with tired blue eyes. He's been here for hours as I struggle to tell him what happened.


"Now," he practically yawns, "can you remember anything else May?"


"Yeah," I say while staring down at the blue tiled floor. Tears come to my eyes as I say, "It burned."



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This article has 9 comments.


Boota BRONZE said...
on Sep. 2 2012 at 5:36 pm
Boota BRONZE, N/A, South Carolina
3 articles 0 photos 38 comments

Favorite Quote:
Bowties are cool!

I agree with the others, you should really expand on this

on Aug. 26 2012 at 8:48 pm
Randomscreennamelalalala PLATINUM, Bonney Lake, Washington
23 articles 0 photos 33 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
-Albert Einstein

Cool. Short and to the point. Maybe you could add something about how she got to the party, like, 'I never should have let Amy drag me along'.

on Aug. 19 2012 at 4:39 pm
MineSkipe SILVER, Sunshine Coast, Other
5 articles 0 photos 7 comments
nice! I liked it alot.

on Aug. 18 2012 at 2:58 pm
NitashaS SILVER, Queens Village, New York
9 articles 3 photos 12 comments
Very intriguing! I like how it was set up, you're thrown right into the story, with no information about what's going on. You built the suspense and when that last line about being pushed donw came up, I'm sure everyone jumped a little in their seats ;) Definitely try and expand this, it has a lot of potential! :D

on Jul. 20 2012 at 1:13 pm
WSwilliams GOLD, Toronto, Ontario, Other
12 articles 3 photos 95 comments

Favorite Quote:
If you keep writing, you will pick up structure. You will pick up form

- Richard Matheson

This could be a foundation for a novel. It was short, but it kept me interested.

on Jul. 16 2012 at 6:09 pm
mariathepinkie BRONZE, Bellingham, Washington
3 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself."

*mysterious

on Jul. 16 2012 at 6:09 pm
mariathepinkie BRONZE, Bellingham, Washington
3 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself."

Incredible storytelling and creativity. I love your word choice and how the writing flows. I feel like it's good that it's not overcrowded with excess detail, but the included detail is extremely vivid. This makes for a misterious component. It leaves me really intrigued! 

on Jun. 24 2012 at 10:05 am
these-roses GOLD, Bristol, Indiana
14 articles 2 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
so many books, so little time

is this going to be turned into a book? i think it would be good if you did :)

on Jun. 19 2012 at 8:16 pm
CheshireKat_95 BRONZE, Cambridge, Minnesota
2 articles 3 photos 28 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal."
- Jane Austen, letter to Cassandra Austen, 24 December 1798

I know, I know, you don't know me and didn't ask for feedback... but it's what I do! Feel free to ignore me completely, if you wish! ;)

So let me begin by saying that I love this! Your writing is eloquent, your story length about perfect, your grammar spot-on, your spelling flawless (THANK YOU FOR GOOD SPELLING AND GRAMMAR!). However, may I suggest one thing?Your little details add so much to this story (and the other stories you've posted as well), but one thing I would suggest is even more detail. Show us what's happening, don't tell us, as my creative writing teacher always told the class. Don't just say "I was being pushed against the couch." Convey your character's fear and describe the experience utilizing all of her senses. This encounter would be fixed in her brain, connected to the adrenaline rush of fear or surprise, even if she didn't remember the rest of what happened to her.

Anyhow, very nice! I very much enjoyed this piece. :)





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