May 13, 2012
Thump. Thump. Thump.

The sound of my heartbeat was louder than even the roar of the bus going down the street. I could not think. I followed movements automatically, not even realizing I was moving my body at all. I did not process one thought from the time I saw my bus to when I was sitting in a seat halfway on the way to school, and as soon as I entered full consciousness again, I drifted back to a zone halfway between alive and dead.

There is never a time when I am mentally all there. I’ve had too many traumatic experiences that had destroyed my ability to think like a normal person. Paranoia was very hard to fight, and soon after it made its presence known in my mind it enveloped me and the person I once was. All it left was a child filled with fear and anxiety, a child no one wanted to deal with.

Some people honestly think that if they ignore a person long enough they would go away. One by one, everyone around me tried to see what would happen if they all pretended I did not exist. But obviously it didn’t work. I was still there, much to all of their annoyance.

A new hypothesis formed in their minds. If I couldn’t be ignored to the point of disappearing, then maybe I could be insulted away. Day in and day out, those whom I once knew and trusted became evil beings, draining me both physically and emotionally.

At first it made me confused. What did I ever do to anyone? The only things I had done were solely affecting me, and I didn’t know how to control my growing mental problems. I knew I was changing personality wise, but there was nothing I could do.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

When it progressed I simply grew sad. I had figured by now that nothing was going to change from this, and I would have to endure this from now on as long as I was near all of these people. I did what I could do distance myself, but in a public school one could only become so isolated. I knew I would at least have to deal with a few of those evil people, but those people weren’t very good sports about that.

The sadness soon evolved into anger. How dare they treat me this way! How dare I be judged without anyone knowing what was really happening to me! I needed help, not added trouble! This was all their fault. If I had at least had a bit of sympathy in school, then perhaps I would still have been able to maintain some of the sanity and normalcy I once harbored. When forced to take part in a living Hell in school as well as home, there is absolutely no escape, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Everyone was a villain, and no one could be trusted.

All I wanted was for it to all go away. I wanted to be somewhere safe again, but no place on earth could offer me the shelter I was looking for. I couldn’t remember the last day I’d laughed or even smiled, much less genuinely enjoyed myself. Every day was the same; wake up, face abuse, go to school, face more abuse, go home, even more abuse, then go to bed and fall into a restless sleep filled with night terrors until it started all over again. Each day held only one goal for me; try to stay alive.

But what was the point of living a life if it only consisted of pain? How could I ever find a light at the end of the tunnel when the tunnel was endless? It was not possible. Life was simply not possible. I didn’t want this kind of life. I didn’t want any life; from what I had seen in my short existence life wasn’t all that fun anyway.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

It was decided. I was no longer going to force myself to remain in this world. But if I was going down, I was going to take as many people as I could with me. Why should they get to continue to live their lives if they had made me suffer so much? By my death I was giving them just what they wanted; a world without me in it. But they weren’t going to get to enjoy the fruits of their labor. In fact, they were going to get to die first.

I wore a baggy sweatshirt today, with the purpose of concealing the gun I was hiding inside it. My gun was completely filled with bullets, and I was going to use those bullets today, shooting only with the goal to kill. The last bullet was for me. One shot to the head should do the trick.

The school system really needed to update their security, as I was in the door without the slightest problem while still concealing a murder weapon. I figured after my death they might do something about that, but for now I just enjoyed the stupidity of the people that were supposed to protect their students. It had just made me feel just as uncared for and worthless as I had felt for so many years now.

I walked slowly through the hallways until I reached the intersection, the most crowded spot on the premises. Normally I would try my best to scoot around this area, but today I pushed and shoved my way like the best of them until I reached the middle. In the center of the hallway stood some of the worst offenders in my torture. They always gravitated here, somehow thinking that standing here and blocking the way was such a great idea. I was doing those who survived a favor; by taking their lives I was automatically granting others more space that I was sure they were craving.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

This was it. There was no turning back now. I reached under my sweatshirt, pulling out the gun I had so easily brought in here. Here I was, standing in the middle of the most crowded part of the school with a gun in my hand, and still no one noticed! These people were idiots. They deserved to die!

I raised the gun until I was locked on a target. Finger on the trigger, I pulled back just enough to make it go off once. There was a loud sound of what seemed like cracking thunder roaring over the noise made by the students. Then, nothing.

People were staring, frozen in their tracks, I supposed too afraid to move. I felt all their eyes on me, locked in a position of fear. I began to fire at will, shooting as many people as I could. One by one their bodies fell, dead on the floor around me.

After a mere three minutes there was not one person who was still alive. Except for one. Me. I turned the gun around and placed the nozzle right in my ear. I looked around once more, a menacing glare on my face that would be frozen there for eternity. Satisfied there was no one left alive, I pulled the trigger once more.

And the thumping stopped.

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