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Diary of a Psycho - What if I Want a Change?
I keep writing entries and forgetting to date them or sign them. I also keep forgetting that I have to explain things thoroughly; otherwise I'll look back and wonder, "Whatever happened to that person?" or "Who is that?"
I recently mentioned a guy named Ian. I'm not sure if I've explained that the person who I thought was James is actually Ian. It's not that big of a difference, actually. He's still the same person.
I was reading back over all the things I've written and realized I mentioned another guy named Gabriel. I only met him once and never saw him again after that, so he's also not that important.
Wait. Maybe he is...
I met him in real life. There was no obsession or attraction, or really anything at all. I tried to convince myself that I liked him, but it was almost like seeing a family member for the first time in a while.
Maybe he is important, because he might help me with the second thing on my to-do list: Figure myself out.
The first thing on my list is going well so far. I've been being quiet around Dakota and listening intently to everything she says. My friend Angel has been helping me out with this, too. As long as I let her rant on about her boyfriend, Tyler, for about fifteen minutes, she'll give me advice on Dakota. She might be glad to help me out with this, actually. She likes me as more than a friend... It doesn't make a difference in our friendship, though. I just overlook the fact and continue on with everything, just the way it was before.
But what if I don't want things to be the way they were before? What if I want things to change?
What if I want someone to say "I love you" and mean it?
I've been dreaming again lately.
Dreaming has never been good for my health.
It leads to delusional hope and obsessions.
Maybe this hope, this dream isn't delusional. Maybe this time, things will change, and finally a dream of mine will come true.
Dakota spent the night with Airianna. They were playing some version of "Truth or Dare," and somehow, bisexuality came up as a topic.
"Do you like any girls?" Airianna asked Dakota.
"Um... Yeah, I'm bisexual." Dakota leaned back against the wall and stretched out her legs.
"Hmm, so is Kristen," Airianna said, half to herself. "But do you like any girls?"
"Not at this school," Dakota replied. "Not yet."
"Well, just so you know," Airianna began. She leaned over the plastic soda bottle sitting in between them and said, more quietly, "Don't tell her I told you this, but Kristen likes you, as more than a friend."
Dakota's eyes widened. "Really?"
"Yeah," Airianna nodded, "really."
"Hmm," was all Dakota said.
I know this because Airianna told me. I asked her what she told Dakota about me, because when they got to school, Dakota gave me a hug and said, "I love you!" Then, at recess (I wonder why we still have recess in 8th grade), I sat down next to the fence by myself. I pulled out my MP3 player and listened to music for a little while, until Dakota sat down by me.
She grabbed one of the purple earbuds and put it in her ear. "Omigosh, I love Evanescence!" she smiled. "Sorry, am I being rude?"
"No, you're fine," I replied. I felt my ears burn a little.
She leaned back against the fence and held my hand. Not another word was spoken, not even when we had to go back inside. I couldn't think of anything to say - music was blasting in my ears, her hand was in mine, she was so, so close to me...
I just couldn't think at all. My whole body was tingling, like every nerve in me was a live wire.
So I asked Airianna what she told Dakota, and Airianna told me exactly what had happened that night.
"Oh" was all I could say after she relayed me the story. "Well."
This was in Gym... I wonder what will happen when I have Gym with Dakota next quarter. I hope I can use one of the changing stalls instead of the room full of showers that no one uses. If not, I'll fail Gym and get in huge amounts of trouble because I refuse to dress out in front of her.
I'm so self-conscious. Maybe it's good, maybe it's not... I don't know.
Dakota is so confident. Maybe it's good, maybe it's not... I need to figure that out, too.