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Long Lost and Forgotten
I lost it. Gone without a trace, forever out of my reach, alone and never to be found. I could scream. I could scream for days at my own failure. My own insolence, my own irresponsibility, it is all my greatest downfall. I let it all get to me.
“When are you going to shape up”, my father asked.
I could not answer him. I could not look him in the eye and and answer that question. If I did he would see it. He would see my burning hatred for him. He would see everything that I tried not to be, everything that was him.
“You look so much like him”, is what they all tell me.
“DON'T”, I scream. “Do not tell me I am anything like him. I am nothing like him! He is a cold, heartless, self-absorbed, dictatorial, arrogant man! Stubborn, self-centered and ruthless, I am nothing like that. Am I?”
Everything became a problem. I could not think straight. Sleepless nights and outburst of anger became my best friends, they never left my side. Everyone told me that I had changed. Had I really? Am I anymore different now than I was before I lost it? Am I anymore worthless now than I was with it?
I punched a brick wall last night. I punched it until my knuckles bled. I punched it until they became numb. It felt good. It felt good to hurt myself. It felt good to inflict the pain that he had inflicted on me. I can still feel it. It feels like...like...power.
I can not trust anyone. Everyone is my enemy. They are always out to get me. They look for my faults. They look for anything to tear me down. Anything that can send me over the edge.
“What do you want from me!”, I scream. “I can't take this anymore! I can not take the way you look at me. The way you feel ashamed of me without even telling me you are. I tried. I tried so hard to get it back. I tried to take things back to the way they were. I can't do it alone. I need your help.”
You walk away from me again. “GET BACK HERE!”, I roar. “Stop leaving me behind. You treat me like you don't care. Like I mean nothing to you. Is it true? Is that How you feel?”
Silence rips through the room like a crack in the earths stone exterior. It engulfs us and it drives me crazy. I can't take it. I can't take this wordless moment. It's unbearable.
It's only been twenty six seconds.
I've lost it and I will never get it back.