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There Really Are No Happy Endings
As I walk down the aisle, I think, “This is really happening. I am really about to get married.” I look to my left and see my mother with tears in her eyes, being comforted by my father. I smile at them. Finally I reach the priest standing under the floral arch, the waves crashing behind us. Next come all the bridesmaids: Marlee’s four sisters, followed by my 3 best college buddies who are the groomsmen. Finally, the organ player transitions to “Here Comes the Bride.” Finally, Marlee comes outside; she looks stunning. As the music stops, I look into her big, beautiful blue eyes and see myself growing old with her.
“We are gathered here today for the marriage of two wonderful people, Josh and Marlee,” the priest says. “They share a love that is so great, not even a tornado of glass shards can break them apart. Do you, Joshua Wyatt Glover, take this woman, Marlee Amber Weissenburger, to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
“I do,” I say with a smile. I see a tear roll down her cheek.
“And do you, Marlee Amber Weissenburger, take this man, Joshua Wyatt Glover, to be your lawfully wedded husband?” the priest says, turning to Marlee. She nods her head because if she opens her mouth, she’s sure to cry.
“Alright then,” the priest says with a warm smile. “Does anybody object to the marriage of Josh and Marlee? Speak now or forever hold your peace.” There is a long pause. I silently pray that nobody says anything.
After quite a bit of silence, I notice the wrinkles on his face shift into a grin. “Congratulations! You may now kiss your bride!” I start to lean in and then I hear a rustle.
“Who is that?” Marlee says. I start to turn around, but my rotation is interrupted by a bang. I fall to the ground.
As I open my eyes, I think, where am I? I sit up and look around. I’m on a fluffy cloud that smells strangely like a new baby. A man with a white, flowy robe on greets me and helps me stand up. “You’re in heaven,” he says.
“I’m what?” I say with confusion. How did I get here? Did I really die? So many questions.
“Listen, Josh. At your wedding, a serial killer, Matthew Kony, was hiding behind the bushes. He woke up drunk on the beach and he saw you so he just shot you. Funny story, actually, when you really think about it,” the angel says.
“No! It’s not funny at all! I got shot. Did you hear me? I GOT SHOT, and you think that’s funny. Wow, nice angels they got up here. I’m out,” I said with rage. I walked over to a different cloud. This will take some getting used to, I thought. Suddenly, the angel appeared again.
“You can’t escape from anyone here in heaven,” he said. Woah, this guy is creepy. “Listen, I can help you solve your own murder case.”
Interesting. “Keep talking,” I say. It doesn’t seem possible, but it’s worth it to listen.
“Okay. So here’s the deal: here in heaven, obviously we are all dead, correct?” I nod my head for him to continue. “Dead people have ghost power, and with ghost power, you can do just about anything to people that are alive, except talk to them.” You can evidently tell he has a passion for what he does, whatever that is. The spark in his eyes shows that he really wants to help me help Marlee. “When my secretary told me that there was a spunky young guy that just died, I decided I would be the best heaven mentor for you, so I need you to get some sleep and then come and meet me tomorrow morning at 6:09 sharp.”
Suddenly a dark purple door appeared. I’m assuming that’s my room, so I walk in. The walls are dark red and there’s wood beams going across the ceiling. A mini bar is on the far side of the room right next to a HUGE flat screen TV and a leather La-Z-Boy chair. To the left of the door are just a standard queen size bed and a dresser for all of my clothes. Suddenly I hear a wail from a baby— or maybe a monkey— coming from my door. I go to open it, but as soon as I touch the doorknob, it turns into a phone. As I slowly back away from the wailing phone, it stares at me with one of those evil looks like if-you-don’t-pick-me-up-I’ll-come-alive-and-kill-you. I know I’m already dead, but still it scares me, so I pick it up with a shaky, “Hello?” Silence is on the other end of the line. Right before I go to hang up, I hear a loud sneeze.
“Sorry about that, I’ve got a bad case of the sniffles. By the way— ACHOOO— this is your mentor speaking. I’ve called to tell you that— ACHOOO— you should go to bed now. You’ve been up for a whole FIVE MINUTES since your room appeared. Now— ACHOOO— go to bed.”
Suddenly I feel a shock through the phone tingle my ear. As if it were some sort of spell, I start to feel sleepy and stumble over to my bed like a drunk person. Right as my head hits the pillow, I’m out cold.
“RISE AND SHINE, JOSH! GET UP GET UP GET UP! Come oooooooooooooooooooooonnnnn!!!! Matthew Kony isn’t going to solve his own murder crime!” the angel called.
“Alright, alright! I’m up! Wait a sec…what’s that…OH MY GOSH HOLY DUCK WHAT IS THIS GREEN LIQUID BY MY BED?!?!?!”
“Ummm…well…” the angel said nervously. “I’ve got to tell you something important.”
Suddenly I start to get dizzy and my eyes go crossed. I’m losing my balance and slowly the smell of ocean air creeps up on me. By this point all I can see is black but I feel someone pouring water on my forehead and stroking my hair.
“Joshy, baby, wake up” I hear Marlee say gently.
“What the— where am I? Didn’t I just get shot by Matthew Kony?” I am SO confused.
“Josh, this is our wedding. One of those little boys over there threw a rock at your head and you’ve been out cold for about fifteen minutes” Marlee says as she points to a group of boys skipping rocks in the ocean.
As I stand up to wipe myself off, I look around. Oh, right, this is my wedding! Duh!
“Wait a second: let me just go inside to wash up and clean off before the wedding starts again,” I announce. I start to walk back inside, but walking turns to running. Soon I’m sprinting.
Bye-bye suckers! Better luck next time!