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Too Afraid

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Some people are afraid of heights. Some are afraid of dying alone. Some are afraid of thunderstorms. Hardly any people are scared of cutting too deep and being caught.
I fear every day that someone will catch me. Scared that people will judge me and call me names. I am like this because of them. Sure, I had a choice, but they made it official. I go around school with my head down scurrying to my next class trying to not be late. Running into people and into lockers with people swearing at me, I can’t take this.
I got to my favorite place in the world, a waterfall nearby my house, and there, I can just be myself, a safe haven. I do a lot there. I read, write, draw, and including my cutting sessions. I can’t do it at home because I have no privacy what so ever, and at school everyone is constantly staring at me. It is the only place I can.
My mom is calling me on my phone and she wants me to come home because dinner is ready. I really don’t want to go to dinner but it is what we do. We have a sit down meal and we talk about our day. I wish I could tell someone about this but I can’t because if I do, someone, for sure, will turn their back on me and tell everyone they know.
When I get home, my mom tells me that my dad won’t be able to make dinner which was strange because he is ALWAYS home for dinner. I was shocked. We still had dinner the way we normally do, except that there was something wrong. You can see it written all over my mom’s face and I was becoming worried. Did she find out? If she did, I am dead. Please God don’t let her find out.
“Lauren,” she said to me. “can we walk for a few minutes outside? James, go clean up, you’re excused.”
Well, this can’t be ANY good. I am so nervous. Should I lie? Or tell the truth? Or do I just bail and run to were my safe haven was?
“Lauren, we need to talk about something important,” she said seriously.
“Sure,” I responded nervously.
“ You know you could tell me anything and I won’t hate you or judge you on no matter what you tell me right?” I think she is catching on, great.
“Yeah I know, why?” I said pulling the blond move.
“Well, why do you cut yourself? You have everything you can ever dream of here. We spoil you so much why are you doing this? You know you can kill yourself by doing this.” She starts to raise her voice “ We are going to get you some help. Both for this cutting thing and you keeping secrets away from your parents.”
Minutes passed by , trying to understand what just happened. I respond back nervously “ The reason why I didn’t tell you was because I knew this was going to happen. My life isn’t all nice fine and dandy. It’s the exact opposite. Some many people are making fun of me, chucking me into lockers, swearing at me, and constantly putting me down, I just can’t take it. That’s why I am hardly home. Go waste your money on getting help for me, go ahead.”
I storm off. I was thinking about what I said to her. Maybe I do want help and to be all better. I just want this to stop because it is getting old. People constantly making fun of me. Maybe, I should just transfer somewhere else, it’s not like I have friends here.
I go back downstairs, and I see my mom crying. First time ever, I saw my mom crying. I walked over to her and gave her a big hug and said “ Fine, I will. I am sorry for hurting your feelings and snapping at you. You have to promise me that you will transfer me though.” She responds quickly “ Of course honey, I will. Next time just tell me from the start and I wouldn’t have been like this.” Without a doubt “ I will, promise.”
She wasn’t joking around when she said she was going to get me help for my cutting issue. I didn’t even go to school that day because we started it during school. I am not sure exactly if this was a good idea but let’s give it a shot.
This place was for people with all sorts of mental and physical problems. People that know what I am going through and they would understand me more than my family. They are all friendly here and everything I really like it. Feels just like my safe haven, which I miss a lot. Here, I am being home-schooled, getting treatment and staying there. It is my home.
I am there a couple more months after this and I promised myself the first day I got there that I would be better and that I won’t have to be afraid of going too deep. Ever since, I have been good as new and now, I am one of the people who everyone likes at my school and things have changed for me and my life.



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